Initiative is the assumption by a person of a leading role in solving some uncertain life situation. However, is initiative always appropriate? A girl, I’ll call her Anna, came for consultation with a request to understand the behavior of her boyfriend, who suggested living separately for some time. Analysis of the client’s conflicts with her boyfriend showed that it was mainly she who took the initiative: she initiated the discussion herself that she was not satisfied, she gave many counterarguments to his arguments, the first one went for reconciliation. And the young man passively accepted this or chose avoidance tactics. And now the girl (definitely a leader in appearance, energetic, lively, cheerful in appearance, but with sad eyes, in which tears glistened from time to time), was going to take the first step according to her old habit . She rationalized her intention with the guy’s timidity, his indecisiveness. “He doesn’t want to conflict,” said Anna. “What does “conflict” mean to you? — Discuss openly, who is not happy with what in the relationship, look for solutions. — It turns out he doesn’t want look for solutions, since he avoids these discussions? - He offers solutions, but I do not accept his arguments, because they seem frivolous to me. As a result, our discussion turns into an argument and it closes down and leaves. So with this separate residence... He cannot give a single reasonable argument for his action, except that he is tired. What exactly are you tired of? Why am I stressing him out so much, I can’t understand? Maybe distancing is, in his opinion, the only way to maintain his boundaries, his autonomy? Can you let go of the situation and let him decide what to do? - Yes, but... - Is something bothering you? - It’s hard for me to just let go of the situation. I can’t live in peace, not being sure whether he will call or not. - That is, if you do not take the initiative, he may not call? - Yes, I’m afraid of this. - Such a development of events is not excluded. And if you take the first step again, will you insist again? - Then he will become stronger in his conviction that I am persistent and always do things my own way. Perhaps we will be together again, but for how long? How many times before have I taken responsibility, and what have we come to? I'm tired of being in the role of a conqueror and constantly storming this fortress. When a person says that he is tired of a relationship and wants to live separately, it is the same as a lover telling his mistress that he is tired of sleeping with her and now wants to sleep in another room. In former times, rulers sent their annoying wife or mistress to a monastery. Perhaps he is tired of my constant initiative? - If you take responsibility for him all the time, he will not have a chance to take this initiative or he will show it in another place or in another way. Living separately is his initiative, his area of ​​responsibility. This means that when making such a decision, he accepts all possible consequences. I see my task as a psychologist in this situation not in convincing the client of anything, but in helping her look at the situation from different angles and make the decision that will be optimal for her. There are no right or wrong There are only optimal solutions for a person. I offered Anna several useful tools for making decisions. One such tool is the CBT exercise “Choice Review.” If a person is in doubt about what to do, he writes down on a sheet of paper possible options for his actions with the advantages and disadvantages of each of them, choosing the most appropriate one. Recently, the forum was discussing the topic of initiative. It turned out that the one with the stronger desire or need takes the initiative first. Gender stereotypes may also have an influence. There is nothing wrong with taking initiative. However, if time after time your need for another person turns out to be stronger than his need for you, this is a reason for reflection. What is the root of the problem - personal intemperance,?