Excerpt from the book “7-7. Soul Matrix. Psychotherapy of emotional trauma using the empty chair method.” Author: Klein Valentina. All names and numbers have been changed. “... PART TWENTY-THREEChairs No. 22. If kicked out of the house. How to remove the feeling of uselessness. Complementing the chairs with a script rewrite Let's consider another unconventional use of the empty chair method. I have never seen such an option when I was a client myself. From psychologists I respect, who “raised” me as a specialist, I heard about “dead-end” client cases when nothing helped to reset the memory. The description of the situation was as follows. At the age of 5, his parents decided to take him away and abandon him near a rich house due to his poverty-stricken condition. There were several children in the family. But it was one of the sons who had such a share. In this house he was actually accepted and adopted later. He did not need anything and no longer saw his blood family. But the child lived all his life with a feeling of uselessness and abandonment that haunted him. He very vividly described his memories when, at the age of 5, he stood near the gate where his mother left him and left him forever. These moments of shock, alone, next to someone else’s gate, burned into his Soul “forever.” The question that was in his little head at the age of 5: “Why did my mother leave me?” — I haven’t found an answer for decades. And no matter how much he made chairs, both as a child and with his mother, and as an adult with his now adult mother, the feeling of uselessness did not go away. Emotions towards the mother, such as resentment, anger, fear, shock, confusion, misunderstanding, were reset to zero. But the elusive “feeling of uselessness” remained. The feeling of uselessness is not even an emotion, it is just a feeling. You can try to break it down into emotions: sadness, powerlessness, bitterness, hopelessness. But in this case it is of little use. He grew up and became a psychologist. And at the same time he could not cope with this pain. He always remembered this moment “at the gate”. In the Gestalt approach, this place is a dead end. The classic scheme encourages us to learn to live through our powerlessness: “this is how it was, and nothing can be done about it.” I found a way out of such situations. I found it “by accident” while training on myself. Since I did the empty chair method with myself with almost every person I know or once knew, with many of them dozens of times, so I have already accumulated more than 1,000 chairs. I noticed that in 99% of cases I have an unpleasant the memory is reset for one chair. If one event is connected with several people at once, then it is necessary to make one chair with each of them. But in 1%, that same sediment still remains in the soul in the form of some blurred feeling: uselessness, unimportance, abandonment, doom or thought: “If I had done it differently then, life would have gone completely differently.” And for a long time I could not eliminate these biographical points in my memories. Memory returned to them again and again. Despite the chairs and regressions. At some point, I accidentally started combining these two methods. I wrote about the regression method in my last book “12+13”. This method has a "script replacement" step. This is when a specialist invites the client to “invent” a new story of his life in that traumatic moment and, as if artificially, relive the memory in a new way. The principle of recognizing such biographical points is simple. These are FORKINGS OF DESTINY that every person has several times in life. For example, when a person makes a FATAL CHOICE, to get married now, at 20 years old, or not, to divorce at 25 years old or not, to leave with this person at 32 years old. families and build a new home or not decide to do so, at 38 years old should I give birth to this child now or terminate the pregnancy, at 42 years old should I take this risky deal or not, at 45 years old should I move to live in another country or not take the risk? And other fateful decisions. And if the DECISION was not the best at the fork in fate, if a person took the wrong road, thenchairs, of course, nullify emotions towards other people. But the Soul seems to feel this other, better alternative branch of fate and mourns it. It’s as if a person lives, but sees inside himself a film of his other, better life. As if he feels some kind of parallel life, happier. It seems to him that he is living a life that is not his own right now. And it’s impossible to get rid of this feeling, you can’t get it out of your head: “oh, if only I had taken a risk then and still decided...” And it is in such cases that it is necessary and sufficient to add a copy of the script. In ordinary situations, like “yesterday I was offended by my husband and had a fight with my mother-in-law,” there is no need to do a census. Just chairs are enough. Having added an element of script rewrite to the empty chair method, I was shocked by the result. In 10 minutes we managed to remove something that had been bothering us for decades. I rechecked it on myself several more times - it helped in all cases. Then I began to practice on clients. I will describe one such client case. Natasha, 33 years old, married, no children, entrepreneur. It has a network of women's clothing departments in shopping centers. She grew up with her mother and older sister. Sister Alena is 8 years older. Meeting No. 12 Natasha: The three of us lived together. I was 16. At that time, my mother signed a contract for 3 months to work on a ship - cleaning fish - and sailed away. My sister and I were left to live alone. Alena was working then, and she actually supported me completely. She sold clothes on the street. I remember how sometimes we would put newspapers on the ground together and put skirts and cardigans on them. Now it seems so ridiculous, but in those years it was normal. I was still in school. The older sister acted as if she were my mother and could completely control my life. Her mother always instilled this in her, that she was the eldest and was responsible for everything. Back at school, in 11th grade, I became friends with 24-year-old Denis. Out of some fright, Alena came up with the idea that he was a drug addict. And she vehemently began to argue with me about this. She was sure that I urgently needed to be saved, she began to threaten me, constantly quarrel with me. I knew that everything was fine with Denis, that he was not a drug addict, I liked him. It wasn't even about him. I didn't love him. But I exploded with indignation at why my sister was interfering with my life and trying to impose her own order in it. When all else failed, Alena used her last trump card - that she was supporting me. After her words “pack your belongings and get out of here,” I did just that. While my mother was cleaning fish on the ship, my older sister kicked me out of our house. And here my 4-year-long black streak in life began. When I returned, my mother began to insist that I return home. But I took this exile as a challenge from my sister to me. It was as if they had spat in my face. I channeled all my indignation, all my powerlessness and rage into proving to her that I was also worth something. I never returned home. I had to grab any job: I sold cotton candy in the park, borrowed money for a stall and sold fruits and drinks there. I will remember for the rest of my life how I carried heavy goods. I bought packs of one and a half cups of water and carried them in my bag several kilometers to my place. There was no car then. And there was no money to hire her either. It seemed to me that my arms would stretch out like a monkey’s and would remain that way forever. Denis and I did not live together for long. He ended up treating me like a beast. I became pregnant from him, and wow, it was at that time that he infected me with a venereal disease. I had an abortion. We separated. I changed jobs and men many times, I needed somewhere to live. Once I got a job in a store selling clothes, and they allowed me to spend the night there as a watchman. And it was fortunate that I had a place to sleep. I remember how the state of internal impasse was so acute that it seemed to me as if I was already alive in my grave. It's hard to explain... It was as if I felt the ground with my forehead. And blackness all around. I plunged into inner darkness. Did I regret leaving home - yes, I did. But what to do next?knew. 4 years later I met Kirill, my current husband. We met him when I was selling him jeans in a store. I was already well versed in the clothing trade, Kirill supported me in opening my own point at the bazaar. Then there was a department in a store, then in a shopping center. Now I have 12 departments with very expensive women's clothing in the best shopping centers in our city. And my sister still sells at the market. We made peace with both her and my mother after the wedding with Kirill. But that episode when my sister kicked me out of the house is like a red flashing button in the soul: it fades out, then flares up again. How the vicious circle of Valentin’s traumatic life scenario is formed: Look what happens. You had a story that while your mother went to work, your sister kicked you out of the house. You left. Although there was nowhere to go. Since this event was so powerful for your life and is connected with your sister, then, as a rule, a traumatic, repeating similar scenario is formed. Did you notice his repetition? Natasha: I didn’t understand what you just said. Explain. Valentina: The model may look like a diagram: 1) an older figure (mother, boss, teacher, curator, mother-in-law, etc.) is favorable to you; 2) but she cannot protect you; 3) almost equal in age or a status figure (sister, colleague, classmate, sister-in-law, young neighbor, etc.) expels you from your common territory; 4) and you don’t fight for your place, but go nowhere. Have you noticed similar repetitions in your life? Natasha: Val, you just described everything that happened to me at least three times. At the age of 18, I got a job as a salesperson selling alcohol. The lady owner liked me. And she even said that perhaps someday she would make me a merchandiser. And then a squabble began in the women's team. My fellow sellers simply devoured me. The hostess seemed to be on my side, but preferred not to interfere. I lasted six months. And yet I gave up and quit. This was the first round. More precisely, it turns out that he is already the second after his sister. Then, at the age of 19, the situation repeated itself in a hairdresser. The owner was an elderly Armenian. I was hired there as a manicurist. I painted my nails very beautifully. I was definitely the boss’s type, and he would have gladly made me his mistress. But I needed a family, not a married 60-year-old overweight admirer. The girls felt his sympathy for me, and at first they began to set me up on schedule. Then it got to the point where hair was poured into my tea after a client’s haircut. Then they apologized, sort of by accident. It was unbearable to work, and I left again. Another similar situation occurred at the university. When I got married, Kirill insisted that I fulfill my unfulfilled dream and enter a university. He is very good to me and sincerely loves me. In the 5th year, a strange thing happened. I studied very well, and often it seemed to me that I knew the subject better than the teacher who taught it. The curator of our group was proud of me and promoted me everywhere: at conferences, in collections of articles, etc. Before defending my theses, she asked me to speak as the last one: “Natasha, in order for the commission to have an overall favorable impression of your group’s defense, you need to make your last presentation the best. You will be like the icing on the cake. So perform at the very end.” That is, I was definitely the curator’s favorite. At the same time, before the state exams, I found out that the head of the group had already agreed and collected 2 thousand rubles from the entire group so that everyone would be told in advance the ticket numbers for which they would answer before the commission. But for some reason I categorically should not have been on this list. The ticket numbers were given to everyone except me. And they kept it secret. I learned about this from my friend, she was silent for a long time, but could not stand it. It was SOOOOO insulting!!! And it’s unclear. Why did the whole group reject me? What did I do to them? And for 5 years they pretended to treat me well! They smiled at me, and now like this... I was shocked. Although that's not all. A similar situation repeated itself for the fourth time. IEnrolled in an adoption planning therapy group. So there, one of the participants, a man, at the fifth meeting, it seems, told me in plain text: “Get out of here, you have no place in this group, don’t you see that?!” In general, yes, the pattern of how my sister kicked me out of the house, and my mother did not have the strength to put everything in its place, indeed, seems to be repeated in a circle in my life. God, has that rat Alena really messed with me here too? Somehow my hatred for my older sister is becoming even greater... How can I remove this vicious circle? Is this treatable? What is the way out? Valentina: Yes, this is exactly what the empty chair method was created for - to reset repeating traumatic scenarios and painful memories. We removed emotions for my sister and mother in this event using the empty chair method. Natasha continued therapy, and we worked through the remaining psychotraumas. But I noticed that she still sometimes continued to utter phrases: “after I was kicked out of the house”, “I was kicked out of the house”, “before my sister drove me away”, “I know that I really don’t care for anyone” not needed”, “my child will not need me”, etc. This means that in this case we are in that 1% of events that are turning points in fate. And that means you need to refine this memory with an element of the script rewrite in order to obtain a resource from this trauma. Valentina: Natasha, mentally return now to the age of 16, when your sister kicked you out of the house. You can close your eyes if you want. Just remember this moment: what you were wearing, where you and Alena were standing, what time of day and season of the year it was... Now imagine that the day before you had a dream that if you now agree to leave the house like this, then black will begin a streak in your life that is 4 years long. And so your sister tells you: “pack your belongings and get out of here.” You now have a feeling of déjà vu and a vague feeling that this has already happened. Feel it now. Imagine it as if you were imagining it. What else could you do other than pack up and leave? What alternatives do you see? Remember about the terrible dream, about 4 years of bad luck and take it into account. Natasha: I regretted leaving home many times. So it's easy for me to imagine an alternative. Let’s say I say to my sister: “This is my house, just like yours. You have no right to kick me out of here. Only my mother can drive me away from here. You earn money and can only refuse me money. But the money my mother left is enough for me so as not to starve until she returns. You are only my sister, but not my mother. I decide for myself where and when I live.” Valentina: Okay. Great. How do you feel now that you have said all this? Was it easy or hard to say this? Natasha: Actually, it’s easy. My chin has become higher. It seems that I have become taller. I like this feeling. Valentina: Okay. How do you think sister Alena reacted to your new words now? Natasha: Yes, she shut up, swallowed and left. Oh... This turns out to be so nice... So much self-respect now. I won my place. Your rightful place! I say, and now I’m getting goosebumps. I've been waiting for this for so long. Natasha began to cry. Now, as if a torn piece of her Soul had begun to return to her. Valentina: Now look at how the immediate events developed further. When your mother returned, how did she react to your conflict? Natasha: Yes, my sister and I made peace even before her arrival. A month after this quarrel, Alena led me by the hand to a restaurant, where I saw my Denis kissing some young girl sitting on his lap. I broke up with him. Mom returned. I entered the university to study history, as I had planned. I began an interesting student life. Everything went completely differently. I love this new invented scenario so much. And I feel so sorry for myself in that old real scenario. Natasha started crying again. Valentina: Okay. Let's consolidate this effect. Return again to the moment when you are burning with your sister: “THIS IS MY HOME! I WILL STAY HERE!” Feel this victory again, remember thisher condition. Natasha sat for a minute. Then she exhaled deeply. She straightened her shoulders and leaned back in her chair. Relaxed. Valentina: What's happening to you now? Did something change when we rewrote your expulsion from home? Natasha: I feel like I’ve gotten older. I grew up. I have become taller. And I want to correct you: no one kicked me out of the house (smiles), you were mistaken. At the same time, my brain understands that it happened... But in my Soul there is calm disbelief: “no, it didn’t happen, you imagined it, maybe you dreamed it in a bad dream.” Like this? My brain is confused... What's happening now. Valya, do you understand me? Valentina: Yes, of course, I understand. I remember my similar feelings. When, at a fork in fate, we rewrite the script, we then begin to disbelieve in the previous script. At this moment our brain begins to tremble from misunderstanding. Consciousness does not have enough files to process this phenomenon. The Soul does not have a time vector, the past, present and future exist in it in parallel. In our consciousness, mind, mind there is only linear thinking. There is a timeline. There is past, present and future and a clear vector in one direction. A time line with an unambiguous direction to the right. But our Soul does not have this time vector. If an emotion arises, resentment towards your sister, then it will never disappear on its own. Over the years, resentment can only get lost among other more pressing experiences. But as soon as something reminds you of that event when you were kicked out of the house, your Soul feels resentful, a feeling of uselessness, unimportance, injustice, as if it happened yesterday. There is time only for the MIND and for the BODY. The SOUL does not have a time vector. Imagine that all our temporary incarnations exist in parallel. That is, imagine that at the same time there is now you, 33-year-old Natasha, and in some parallel world lives 16-year-old Natasha, whom her sister kicked out of the house. And also 19-year-old Natasha, who had just had an abortion from Denis after he infected her, a pregnant woman, with a venereal disease. And all the rest of your own phantoms at different ages now exist in some parallel dimensions. And those moments in which you were severely traumatized, these wounded phantoms simultaneously affect all your ages: both past and future. That is, 16-year-old Natasha, whom her sister drove out of your house, began to influence her pain and thereby created a situation where you were also outlived by fellow salespeople from the store where you worked. And also from the hairdresser. And from the university. It seems to us that these were just snake colleagues in the team. In fact, this repeated similar situation with exile is formed by your own Soul, so that you finally remember and free your 16-year-old phantom. It is your own sixteen-year-old Soul that forces your fellow hairdressers to pour your hair into tea at the age of eighteen, so that you again feel expelled from the team. And this repetition of the trauma of exile will be endless, until finally you return to the starting point and rewrite the script. Our past controls us now in the most literal sense. Until we change it. But there is also good news. This phenomenon is also true vice versa. We also control our present from the future. We control our present from the future. When you were just now sitting in my consultation and using an empty chair method, you reprimanded everything that was not expressed to your sister in childhood, when you are now in the psychologist’s office, it seems that in artificial conditions, I was finally able to protect myself, at that moment you changed your past. Our mind resists this understanding. He insists that the past, present and future stand clearly behind each other and do not change places. However, not all so simple. How can this phenomenon be noticed in everyday life? For example, many remember events when they miraculously remained alive after an accident and were “born in a shirt.” When in a fight, salvation seems to come out of nowhere. Lucky. It blew by. Lucky. Unexplained.