You will know that you are a dependent person when, when you die, you discover that it is not your own life that is flashing before you, but someone else’s life. Unknown authorAddiction in adults occurs when two psychologically dependent people establish relationships with each other and each contributes to them what he needs to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since neither of them can feel and act completely independently of the other, they stick to each other as if glued. Codependent people try to exert control over each other, blame each other for their problems and hope that the other will behave exactly as their partner would like. As a result, everyone's attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on oneself. From the book “Liberation from Codependency” by Berry and Janey Weinhold All people are dependent on something. Everything in the Universe is interconnected with each other. Life on planet Earth is possible only as long as the Sun shines. I can't live even ten minutes without the air I breathe. As a rule, a person cannot live long without food, and even less without water. However, there is a huge difference between “depending on” and “being dependent.” And this difference manifests itself, first of all, in the loss of a subjective sense of freedom and authenticity, in the loss of connection with one’s deepest essence, the loss of the right to be oneself and make one’s own choice. Most likely, I will respond differently to the person who greeted me with wishes of a good day, and to the boor who poured out a tub of public abuse on me. My actions are interconnected with the actions of the people around me, depend on their actions, but this fact in itself does not make me dependent, since my actions are the result of my choice, and the fact that when making a choice, I prefer to check with others is also my choice . But I become dependent when I sacrifice myself, my desires and needs, for the sake of another, for the sake of his desires and needs, for the sake of his approval, to avoid his condemnation, and so on. Perhaps in theory this looks rather confusing, but in practice the difference is immediately felt by that characteristic feeling of compulsion, lack of choice, fear that haunts an addicted person. “I made it so that he... She left me no other choice... I can be myself, but they won’t allow me...” The control center of my life is transferred to others, I, in turn, try to lead others, causing them the necessary reactions to me, and that’s it - welcome to a codependent relationship. How to define addiction? - I take responsibility for the feelings (actions) of other people - I often don’t realize how I feel in a given situation - it’s hard for me to express my feelings - I try to please people - I don’t like myself (I hate myself) - I worry about how people will react to me and am afraid of their reaction - I hide the truth about my thoughts and feelings and lie to people so as not to create problems - I am afraid of being rejected - my role in the family is a martyr - people know better than me, what to do in this or that case - people’s opinions are more important than mine - people’s desires and needs are more important than my desires and needs - you have to be like everyone else - it’s difficult for me to make decisions - you need to strive for perfection and never make mistakes - mine self-esteem depends on the opinions of others about me - it’s hard for me to ask for help - someone has to control everything: either I control people, or they control me - in order to maintain relationships with people, it is necessary that they need me - I must (must ) to earn a good attitude towards oneself - I evaluate it unequivocally: either good or bad; either black or white - I am very patient (patient) with people: I forgive many times, including cruelty towards myself - I generallyI endure a lot for the sake of happiness and stability. The more statements that suit you, the more dependent you are. Dependency has another face, this is the so-called counter-dependence. Apparently, counterdependent people are as far from addiction as it is possible to be. They impress others as strong, purposeful and self-sufficient people. The essence of counter-dependent behavior is well conveyed in the proverb: “If a man punished a woman, he became a soldier.” It's a kind of rebellion against addiction. The man didn’t leave because he was interested in military service, he left, as they say, in defiance of the woman’s opinion. And if she really wanted to send him to the service, he would, of course, sit at home, enjoying his apparent independence from women’s opinions. Meanwhile, dependence and counter-dependence are two sides of the same coin. A dependent person builds his behavior in accordance with the opinions of others, a counterdependent person - in opposition to this opinion. But both of them focus not on themselves, their values, desires and needs, but on the other: how to please him or, on the contrary, how to rebel against tyranny. If I, being an addict, am faced with strong negative consequences of my addiction (me used to my detriment, rejected, ridiculed), I may have a desire to protect myself from my tendency to fall into addiction, to fight it. As a result, counter-dependent behavior develops, that is, I begin to do my best to avoid situations that could provoke my addiction. And, above all, I begin to avoid close relationships with people, emotions and confidential communication. Dependence and counter-dependence complement each other. Dependent and counterdependent people often form pairs. In the personal history of an individual, periods of dependence, falling under the power of another, can be replaced by periods of counter-dependence, rebellion against this power. How to define counter-dependency? - I find it difficult (I don’t want) to enter into close relationships with people; I hide my insecurities and fears from others so that they cannot take advantage of my weakness; I often do not realize how I feel in a given situation ( or don’t feel anything) - I don’t like to ask for help (I don’t ask at all) - people can’t be trusted - it’s not safe to rely on others or need anyone - I must (should) be self-sufficient (self-sufficient) and strive to rely on myself in everything - it is important to look good in the eyes of people - you need to strive for excellence and never make mistakes - people strive to control and manipulate, so the desires and needs of people can threaten me - any touching has a sexual connotation - I may avoid sex as a way for others to manipulate me - I feel safer alone - people often irritate me - you can’t compromise on controversial issues: if you agree with people once, they will ride you for the rest of your life - I’m afraid of becoming dependent on people and their desires - you have to be different from everyone else - I feel as if I am separated (separated) from others by an invisible wall or isolated (isolated) - no one understands me - there have been (or are) addictions in my life: alcohol and drug addiction, computer addiction, addiction to food, sex, work, gambling, etc. The more statements that suit you, the more counter-dependent you are. Coping with addiction can be difficult. Firstly, it is quite difficult to realize one’s own dependence (counter-dependence). As a rule, a dependent person is brought up in a family with dependent relationships, becomes close to people with similar problems and may be convinced that human relationships in general are like this and there are no others. As one of my clients said: “Family requires sacrifice in any case.” In addition, there are many addicted people, often the media and cultural works also broadcast the model.