Photo from the collection of free images Pixabay.Com The mechanism of maternal influence is built into every person, “in the subcortex”. This is a tool for the survival of a small helpless child in a hostile world. And this mechanism does not go away after the child grows up. As long as a person is in communication with his mother, she is an authority for the child. However, this same authority can behave differently. Use different formats of maternal control. There are two of them. Two strategies. Mother's strategy No. 1. Evil fury (or “strict overseer”). This strategy is based on forceful pressure. While the child is small, directive control takes place on the part of the mother. The mother dictates what to do, the child cannot resist, his psyche is not strong. In general, the mother commands the child, with varying degrees of harshness. He controls it like a driver controls a horse. And in principle, such a mother can act in the interests of the child, as she understands them and as she knows how. Makes you study, gets you a job. It's like a warden, strict but fair. Then the children may well thank her for the fact that she “made a man” out of them. But it happens differently. This is precisely the metaphor of the “evil fury”. This is the strategy of aggressively sadistic mothers who use their children as an object for emotional release. Such a hostile mother systematically destroys the child’s psyche in various senses. Figuratively speaking, “tears your nerves to shreds.” He takes advantage of the fact that the child is defenseless and has nowhere to go. And the aim is often such that this “punching bag” will remain with mommy forever. And so that the “pear” does not run away, the mother does not allow the child to grow stronger and gain independence; she tears off not even the wings, but the first feathers that are breaking through, so that the child does not fly away from the mother. Otherwise, from internal aggression, which there will be no one to discharge on, she will be torn into small pieces. “A strict warden” is not bad at all, by the way. “Evil fury” is bad. What happens next? Child stage No. 1. Rebellion and flight During adolescence, the child’s psyche strengthens, and the stage of teenage rebellion begins. The more the parent suppressed, the stronger the rebellion will be. (By the way, not so much the parent, but mainly the school). As the child grows up, he begins to struggle with control. This is actually quite common sense. And in the case of an “evil fury” it can also be a bummer, for this very fury. No matter how much she weakens the child, he will still manage to get stronger, find someone who will support him (it is very difficult to go anywhere, especially if the psyche is crippled by the mother), and will run away from mommy. The evil fury pushes the child away from her, with her own malice she creates motives for leaving. And then what? And then the mother changes the control strategy to an alternative one. Mother's strategy No. 2. Sweet mommy The mother begins to “play sweet.” She has an ideal relationship with the child, she will always agree and help. At the same time, she also imperatively influences the child, only without forceful pressure: – with the help of precisely calibrated words, comments that create doubts in the child that the mother does not like it; - with the help of intonation influence, I will talk about this in another article, pauses in speech, frowning eyebrows, showing the child maternal disapproval - these signals are quite enough, the child trusts his mother (either he always trusted or believed again), and the mechanism of maternal influence is working properly works. Sweet mommy spins her grown children as she pleases. And the grown-up child looks at the world and at himself literally through the eyes of his mother. At the same time, he does not realize this, does not notice the imperative influence that his mother has on him. Non-directive control is possible, of course, not only on the part of the mother. Here are 4 examples from different areas. With “non-directive hypnosis” the hypnotist does not give direct instructions, he acts using cunning methods, so that the person will not even notice the hypnosis and will rush to do what the hypnotist suggested. Although it seems to him that “he himself” wants this. With advertisingTV is exactly the same. It’s “the person himself” who wants to buy an iPhone, and everyone wants it at once, and “all by themselves.” Amazing synchronicity! In directive psychotherapy, they strictly interpret, impose on the principle “I know better, I am a doctor,” and non-directive psychotherapists in a roundabout way lead to the same results. For example, with the help of operant training, ignoring the client’s unwanted manifestations and encouraging the desired ones. Not Pavlov’s dog, of course, which is trained on conditioned reflexes, but essentially the same thing. And it seems to the client that “he is himself.” In totalitarian school textbooks it is written clearly and clearly what is right and what is wrong. You don’t need to think for yourself, you just need to learn and pass the exam. And in democratically written textbooks, material, pictures and questions are given, which the student must answer “himself”, based on this material and pictures. In this case, the answers are quite definite, you cannot take additional material, and if the student manages to come up with the wrong answer, the teacher will quickly return you to the right path. In general, for the vast majority there is no freedom, there is only someone else’s control, obvious or veiled . And many more such examples can be given. But let's return to the evil furies and sweet mothers. The mother, if she is not completely stupid, after the child runs away, switches to a non-directive form of control. Instead of orders, scolding, criticism, pressure, she uses intonation, facial expressions, questions, and uses manipulative techniques. Instead of direct pressure, he turns to hidden manipulations. In SMS messages this is especially clearly monitored, you will be surprised how mommy knows and can do all this, she hasn’t studied NLP. Metaphorically speaking, the evil fury shoots from a multiple rocket launcher, and sweet mommy clicks from a sniper rifle, and with a silencer. The result is the same: the mother influences the child as she wants. Many evil furies, having pushed the child away from them, draw organizational conclusions, retrain and begin to play sweet. So that the child returns, trusts mommy again, and continues to satisfy her needs. Ace mommies, who work according to the principle of aerobatics, use non-directive control from the very beginning. Their children say that they have “ideal parents” and dance to this invisible tune all their lives. In general, mommy changed the algorithm. And what happens next? Child stage No. 2. Return to mommy In the case of a “normal” rebellion, when the mother infringed on something, but did not blow it into the trash, like a 10-megaton atomic bomb, the energy of this very rebellion ends. This always happens with reactive energy (as opposed to proactive energy). A man got angry, yelled, and calmed down. The words “proactivity” and “reactivity” are very important here. You can look at Stephen Covey’s book about “skills of highly effective people”, these words are generally explained there. So, most people are not proactive, but reactive. More precisely, they are not original, but everything that is in them is invested from somewhere outside. They themselves do not generate anything. There are no authentic positive contents (ideas, intentions) that you need to create within yourself and implement in life. An internally passive person can only take something ready-made from somewhere, there is no independent thinking. And what does society say about the attitude towards mothers? That “a mother is sacred”, “a mother cannot be lost” and so on in the same spirit. That is, there is social pressure pushing to return to mommy. While the energy of rebellion was seething in the child, he went against this pressure. And when he has let off steam, social pressure pushes him back into his mother’s paws. Well, or tentacles. Psychologists, by the way, do the same thing. They work in the interests of society (and you thought that the client, ha-ha, was naive), and those who are “not sufficiently adapted” or “not sufficiently socialized” are additionally adapted and socialized. Making them exemplary cogs in the social mechanism. By the way, I went through about 10 psychotherapists until I found a specialist who was able to understand, in my words, that this is not the way to treat me for my money. Do"normal". Normal biomass (my recent book is about this, “Escape from Nirvana: How a passionary can avoid rotting among biomass”). But the majority paint with the same brush. When a psychologist works on the issue of a person’s relationship with his mother, the client tells how his mother had a destructive influence on him. And the psychologist always asks the question “do you feel angry” or “do you feel resentful”. The psychologist shifts the focus of attention from the mother’s actions to the client’s feelings. A typical translation of arrows. The logic is this: the problem is not in the mother, but in your feelings for her. It’s not the mother who is destructive, it’s you who are offended and angry. Then the resentment and anger are reacted, discharged, and the client again accepts the mother as an authority. Now there is no hope of liberation, because there is no energy for this liberation. Either the steam came out during the riot, or the psychologist competently vented the emotions. There is no more gasoline, and without gasoline you can’t go anywhere, even on the most sophisticated Maybach. To understand the absurdity of this approach, I’ll give another situation. Imagine a judge in a courtroom, they brought before him a man who had raped someone. And the prosecutor demands that he be imprisoned for 5 years so that he does not rape anymore. And the rape victim stands right there, and also demands that the rapist be punished to the fullest. Imagine that the judge does not start scribbling a sentence, but says to the victim and the prosecutor: “The problem is with you, in your indignation, and not with this unfortunate rapist who wanted to have sex, it's so natural. Do something about your resentment and show mercy to the criminal. Let’s release him in all 4 directions.” This is the theater of the absurd. And when we are talking about a destructive mother who not only upset the child during the educational process, but destroyed him in order to satisfy her needs, this approach “the problem is not your mother, but your anger” is absurd. A destructive mother needs condemn and psychologically bury for yourself. Tell yourself that this incubator has completed its task (or a sperm donor, if there are problems with the father). And leave. From the word absolutely. Change your phone number and block it. And after 10 years, everything inside will ferment and turn sour. And if you meet a mother on the street, you will run away in horror, as if from a dinosaur. (The problem of relatives or mutual acquaintances will arise, who can return to the mother, but this is not the subject of this article, and the issue can be resolved, by the way). Psychologists routinely return to mothers, they reconcile with them because there is (in Russia at least) a social stereotype that a person is a part of the genus, an appendage of this genus, like, for example, a kidney is an appendage of a person. A kidney cannot simply leave a person, this is complete absurdity. And a person cannot leave his mother. I mean, he should feel guilty for this. And it cannot be from the race, even if the race is rotten. This is the reduction of a person to a biological, physiological being who has no choice. Figuratively speaking, you got out of this hole, and you are connected to this hole for life, emotionally. Whether you want it or not. Zoological dictate. There is another option, reasons for returning to the mother. A person receives a life blow. And crawls back to mommy. Because he has nowhere else to go. I will talk about this elsewhere. In general, either the energy of protest is discharged, or it is a life blow and no one needs the person. These are the reasons for the return. How to avoid returning to mommy In order not to return to mommy (who will finish what she didn’t finish and safely digest), you need to: Maintain the energy of protest against your mother, even though it is uncomfortable, and the psyche, as Freud wrote, strives to eliminate disturbing tension (this is called the “principle of nirvana.” If the energy of protest disappears, social pressure will return to mommy, it is very strong. Women after their thirties almost always give birth, without fail, even if there is no husband, because “it’s time” This is also social pressure. It does not take into account individuality, as it should be - do it, although the demographics are pumping up, of course. Find your own meanings and values: your authentic path, the business you want.