Before moving on to the tools, let's first draw a small parallel so that it is clearly visible how childhood trauma differs from other conditions. Let's take such a feeling as resentment, and common phrases that are associated with childhood and parents: “It is infantile to be offended by parents” “Parents must be forgiven” “Let go of grudges against parents, this is where all the problems come from” These empty remarks are the same as what you say to a person when severe depression “don’t be sad.” The fact is that grievances and traumas are two different things. The child cannot actively resist the parent, defend his desires, his opinion. All he can do is be offended. And it is quite normal that the opinions and desires of children and adults often do not coincide - they cannot coincide: children and adults have different experiences and different levels of development. Resentments are what are eventually forgotten. That is, the situation was unpleasant, but the person has enough resources to cope with it. And trauma is a situation that affects the deep layers of the personality. Trauma has triggers. And subsequently, at any moment, a traumatized person can be flooded with feelings that are not related to reality, but simply because something reminded him of a traumatic situation. Traumas have a destructive effect on life, changing a person’s development and self-realization in all areas. Therefore, traumas cannot be compared with ordinary grievances (other feelings). For example, an ordinary situation: a mother cannot buy her daughter a skirt due to lack of money. This location can end either in simple resentment or in trauma. The daughter will be a little offended if her mother tells her: “I understand everything, you want this skirt. But now I can't buy it. Sorry.” The situation will end in trauma if the mother begins to humiliate her daughter in response to a request for a skirt: “Where are you doing this, have you seen your crooked legs?” Or he will start to shame his daughter: “Shame on you!” A mother works three jobs to feed her family, but she asks for a skirt! Look what a princess she is!” the girl was worried not so much because of the refusal, but because of the inadequate reaction to the request: she asked for a skirt, but immediately became selfish, insensitive, and unscrupulous. She may generally decide that any of her requests are something unacceptable. And then she will experience unbearable shame, even if she needs to ask someone for something insignificant. But society condemns the very fact that children can experience negative feelings towards their parents. “If you don’t love your parents, you are a bad person. What other injuries do you have? How tender we are, you can’t touch us!” As a result, many people suppress resentment and anger towards their parents, trying to “let go of childhood grievances.” And this only leads to aggravation of the situation. A person who denies negative feelings does not deal with his trauma, he tries to escape from it, tries to ignore it. And she continues to destroy his life. What to do with childhood traumas? I will offer my algorithm for independent study; in the future, you can expand this functionality by working with a psychologist.1. Recognize that negative feelings towards your parents are just there. Feeling angry even at your parents is absolutely normal. A person does not choose his emotions; they arise without his will. But a person chooses his reactions to these emotions. Emotions and reactions to emotions are not the same thing. And when people are blamed for anger, a merging of these concepts occurs: as if anger itself is the same thing as destructive, unecological behavior. The mere presence of anger does not make anyone a bad or unworthy person. You just need to allow yourself to be angry.2. Don't blame yourself for being angry at your parents. A child is a canvas on which parents write what they themselves know. If a child grows up with anger towards his parents, this is their responsibility.3. Don’t torment yourself with questions: “why do theyIs that the case with me?” In most cases, understanding the reasons for such parental behavior is useless. It doesn't matter why they behaved in a way that caused injury to the child. There could be a thousand reasons. And many of them are unconscious. For example, a father adored his daughter and the mother was unconsciously jealous of this. Her envy and jealousy resulted in constant toxic criticism of her daughter: “What kind of incompetent are you, who will marry you like that?” Or the child was needed so that the husband would not leave the family, but the husband left anyway. And then the mother becomes angry with the child: “You have not fulfilled your destiny. You are useless! You just ruined everything!” Moreover, if you ask parents directly about the reasons for this behavior, they will most likely be very surprised: the memory carefully hid the memories of the events that traumatized the child, because remembering them means experiencing unbearable shame. Or the parents simply do not understand, What other traumas are we talking about, because we ourselves grew up in violence and consider it absolutely normal. It is better to ask yourself: How did traumatic events affect my adult life? How exactly do I feel their influence? What can I do about it right now?4. Believe that the consequences of trauma can be corrected. For traumatized people, any attempts to improve their lives often seem hopeless. This is one of the effects of trauma. But changes for the better are quite real! To get out of trauma, you need to accept the possibility of recovery on faith. But not only. You also need to set a goal to heal the injury and not spare yourself and strength along this path, never give up.5. Structure your life as much as possible People who have felt unloved since childhood are often very anxious. Daily routine, predictability, even some kind of routine combat anxiety well. You need to plan your time. Stability is something that unloved children lacked so much in childhood. It is necessary to make up for this deficiency in adulthood.6. Train to create trusting relationships Traumatized people find it difficult to trust others, they are afraid to get close to someone and therefore are often lonely. And this is also the effect of trauma. To help it heal, you need to learn to create warmer and closer relationships in a safe environment. For example, you can try to develop your relationship with a colleague into a friendly one.7. Contact a specialist to work through the injury. It is possible to work independently, but it will take a lot of time and will be very difficult and unsafe. This is the same as trying to remove appendicitis yourself, without even having a surgical education. Firstly, it is inconvenient, secondly, it is very painful, and thirdly, the chances of success are extremely small. But a specialist will make this difficult path as short and simple as possible (as possible). He will regulate the load on the psyche while working on a trauma, help to understand what exactly is happening to a person in general and at every moment, and select an individual plan for working on the trauma. In addition, the specialist will literally finish what the parents did not finish on time, many years ago - will teach a person to properly handle his emotions: recognize, express, concentrate, direct8. Wake up your body Traumatized people have a defense: in order not to feel mental pain, all sensations are dulled. Therefore, they often do not notice discomfort, hunger, fatigue, and suffer illnesses on their feet. But the body is a powerful channel for working with trauma. We can say that without working with the body, the effect will be minimal. Therefore, it is important to include into your life any activities that awaken the sensitivity of the body: massage, yoga, aromatherapy, etc.9. Planning for the futurePlanning for the future returns to a person the understanding that he himself can manage his life. This allows you to understand that no one is responsible for how a person lives as an adult except himself. As long as a person blames others for his troubles, he does not see the opportunity to deal with the problems. As soon as a person tells himself that he is the master of his life, and not some people, he gets the opportunity to influence what is happening. It is likely that he will forgive: 8-918-253-73-83