From the author: I continue publishing the book “How to save a family or when is it better to get a divorce” - Your family: SAVE cannot be DESTROYED - put a commaYour family: SAVE cannot be DESTROYED - put a comma When a family is destroyed, the spouses’ attitude towards this usually comes down to the following options: 1) both want to save the family, but cannot, do not know how; 2) she wants to save the family, he doesn’t; 3) he wants to save the family, she doesn’t; 4) both don’t want to, are tired of each other, don’t see the point or prospects for improvement. With my clients and participants in my trainings, usually the most common situation in terms of frequency of cases is when she wants to save the family, he doesn’t. In second place is mutual reluctance to continue the marriage. On the third - both want to save the family, but cannot, mistakes are made, there is not enough knowledge and patience. And there are fewer cases when the husband fights for the family, tries to save it, and the wife is adamant... It is often possible to quickly determine the strength or weakness of the marital bond. How? I observe what emotional reactions are manifested in the communication of spouses, and if I see a combination of criticism with personalization, contempt, quarrelsomeness, hysteria and closedness, then I can diagnose that this family, alas, is doomed. Our emotions are a consequence of our deep attitude, and we either accept or do not accept a person, we consider him either OURS or ANOTHER in our life. And everything else is just an explanation and justification for these two attitudes. Let’s summarize the explanations of that very global reason that destroys a family. “Everyday life” is one of the most common. The expression of V. Mayakovsky has already become a classic diagnosis: As they say, the incident is ruined, the love boat crashed into everyday life... Justifying phrases are usually like this: “I’m tired / tired of numerous responsibilities (your sloppiness, carelessness, etc.)”, “You turned me into maid/housekeeper!”, “What kind of sex can we talk about after I did so much around the house today (working hard at work like hell)!” “Loneliness” is the lot of the strong; the weak, they say, huddle together with the crowd. But I believe that in family conflicts this is the fate of both the one who offended (strong) and the one who was offended (weak). A family is a local group and the crowd is not allowed access there, except in the form of telephone outpourings to friends or relatives. When I ask spouses during consultations: “What unites you?”, I usually hear in response: “Children” or “TV”(!). But when you begin to clarify the situation in more detail, it turns out that children are a significant family value more often for women, but television is for men (as a substitute for communication with their wife), and accordingly, they, on the contrary, are a factor that irritates both spouses. Often a man leaves the family, feeling abandoned (especially immediately after the birth of a child), his wife is infuriated by the lack of attention - “he’s staring at the TV and doesn’t notice anything!” “Boredom” also deprives relationships in the family of energy. It's not interesting to talk to each other. The actions and even thoughts of the other spouse are predictable, do not surprise or excite. “Every day/time the same thing! Tired of it. I don’t want anything or anyone anymore.” No one, that means a wife or husband. And here is the following typical explanation: “I no longer care about my husband/wife as a man/woman!” In this case, the attitude towards marital duty goes through the following stages: boredom - indifference - irritation - hatred. “Sexual obligation” from a duty for the sake of children or financial well-being turns into a psycho-physiological rejection of a person and, in some cases, into a desire to get rid of him. One of the ways out to reconcile hatred, rejection and expediency can be “marital infidelity.” “You betrayed / betrayed me, our relationship! You have destroyed/destroyed faith in love, in decency!” We will talk about the reasons for the betrayal of husband and wife in separate sections of the book, but for now I will note that often a man’s desire to have fun with a woman is perceived as betrayal.It is believed that a man cheats with his body, and a woman with her soul. But a woman’s betrayal is perceived by a man as an attack on his possession and is often experienced more painfully and uncompromisingly. Not everything is so simple, but betrayal often becomes a consolidation of a split in a relationship, and less often, a test of the strength of the family. The problem of preserving a family is one of the most pressing, judging by the large number of letters in the mail and requests from my clients. Therefore, as you read the book, you will become familiar with many real stories and opinions of readers and clients, which I will quote, retell and comment on. Lisa fought to save her family several times. And yet her first marriage broke up. When a crisis arose in her second marriage, Lisa, remembering her past bad experience, decided that she would do everything to save this family. She experimented with her appearance, she prepared a new, special dish for dinner every time, trying many recipes. She signed up for female seduction courses, training intimate muscles, honing sexual plasticity and mastering cunning psychological techniques of seduction. But nothing helped. The husband became more and more distant from her, became rude, and was constantly absent from home. He had a mistress, to whom he was ready to leave in the near future. And when she was already desperate to change anything and tired of her unsuccessful struggle, deciding to get a divorce, her husband suddenly realized that he needed her. And then he began to fight for her, and in the end saved the family... Everything went as before - Lisa stopped surprising her husband, her husband stopped worrying about their future together. And a year later, the eldest daughter began to reproach Lisa for not having the strength and determination to leave her father. He returned to the old ways: rudeness, drunkenness, infidelity... And now for several years she has been living with her husband “just for the sake of the children.” Just recently, in her hearts, she told her husband that if she had somewhere to go, she would leave him without thinking and without looking back. But he reacted quite calmly and even with malice to her words, noting that Lisa “has a weak gut.” And she realized that she really had lost the determination that she had before, fears of the unknown, uncertainty and even indifference to her fate appeared. Now she is firmly convinced that if a family collapses, then it is better not to save it, otherwise you will miss time, and then it may be too late. The situation is approximately the same with Lilia R. She has lived with her husband for 15 years. They have a daughter growing up. Lilia tried many times to save the family after his next “affair”. And all for the sake of my daughter. And now she had a persistent feeling that she was unhappy. Even if, after “having a walk,” he returns to the family every time, and as a bonus calls her “the holy and purest woman in the world.” When she hears these words, she feels ashamed and disappointed at the same time. Once upon a time she really considered herself pure and honest, and never cheated on her husband. And now she is taking revenge on him for his deceptions by secretly cheating with another married man. The husband has no idea about anything. And she has a very strong feeling of guilt both before her husband and before her lover’s wife, and disgust towards herself. And, alas, there are many such women. Lyazzat Saparova Lyazzat Saparova If something is cracked, you can only glue it back together, but cannot restore it as it was before. And this crack will remind you of the problem every time, or periodically crack again. I am now divorced and only after 9 years of sticking together on one side and then on the other, I gave birth to two children - a second one so that the first one would not be alone. For two years now I have been fighting for alimony and simply so that for these pennies he does not traumatize the children with his presence. I UNDERSTAND that if I had left after the first major quarrel with one child, I would have already had 8 years of freedom and peace. CUT IMMEDIATELY IF IN DOUBT - IT'S LIKE GANGRENE, THE LONGER YOU LIVE, THE MORE YOU WILL CUT OFF. These women have their own negative experiences and listen to stories from similarly unhappy friends. And all this creates a strong belief in the hopelessness of trying to find a good, loving husband. This/