From the author: Life is becoming more acute, events are becoming brighter. Declaration of love, refusal, insult, hurt male pride, forget this word, but..... “How diabolically life works, you can’t hate, it’s impossible to love passionately.”... I continue to publish excerpts from the Diaries of my father who died several years ago my client. These are authentic records of events from his life, told from the very beginning... (The client's consent for publication has been received, all names and surnames of the characters have been changed.) Diaries of Life and LoveChapter 9 September 15, 1963 Sunday. I'm in a great mood today. But everything was ruined by Galka. She said that Lenka has a boyfriend. Sashka also told me about this. What did she get for herself after him? This, of course, made me very excited. But this does not mean that I will leave her alone. No! I wanted to talk to her even more. I will do it soon. September 17, 1963 Tuesday. I decided to go to Lenka. She was alone. And word for word, I told her that I loved her and wanted to know her opinion. And then what I feared most happened happened. She said no... For a split second I was confused. He stood there as if struck by lightning. But it was only a moment. After that, rage and contempt flared up in me for this cheap girl, for whom I was ready to do anything she wanted. I couldn't talk to her anymore. And I threw in her face everything that had built up in me over these years of waiting and torment. He left her. I went to the park, I wanted to be alone. And now, sitting at my diary, I remember her standing at the table, her arrogant, malicious smile. That contemptuous look... And it makes me, oh, how offensive, to tears, that they pay me so much for love. I remember myself standing next to her. At this moment, in my entire short life, male pride began to speak. Yes, the pride of a person who also has the right to life and love. And this right was taken away from me. Now she'll see - I won't tell her even once that I love her. I won't even hint. After all, she insulted me, my love for her, which I was proud of for so many years. I will never forget this, until the end of my life, I have the right to do so. September 20, 1963 Friday. 2 days have passed, I’m trying to forget Lenka, but it’s very difficult for me, I don’t know what’s happening to me, my soul is excruciatingly painful, I want to cry, I want to scream. After all, I have loved her for three years. I won't be able to go out with friends anymore because of her. I want to leave Leningrad somewhere far away for a year, two, it’s just scary how bad things are when I see her. Bend towards me, handsome young man! How bashful you are! - Is it really the first time you are caressing a woman’s breast with your hand? You’ve been lying in my arms for a whole hour now - but you still haven’t overcome fear... Isn’t it better at the heart than at the feet? Give me one minute in your life... What is gold? - I love you, I love you!..You are so good! - I used to wait for evening to come, I’d sit by the window... And you walk past, it used to happen, yes, - Do you remember? - The silvery moon, Like an angel among the outcasts, wandered between the clouds, throwing a ray at you, And I was proud that at last my Rival is a tenant of heaven. The stamp of contempt is on my brow, But is the world’s verdict just? What is virtue if on earth Misdemeanor is not dishonor - but shame? Believe me, there are no innocent women at all, Only by desire, chance and object are not here forever. Loving does not make one sinful, that one, that many - this one all! I didn’t know my parents, I was raised by a stranger’s old woman, I didn’t know the fun of my younger days, - And I wasn’t even proud of my beauty; At fifteen, by the will of an evil fate, I was sold to a man - neither prayer nor tears could save me. Since then I have been perishing, perishing - day by day. My shame is dear to me! He gives me the right to kiss you, to tear you away from painful worries for a moment! Oh, enjoy! - you are my master! Although you may happen to strangle me in your arms, death will be bliss for me from you. My friend! - what you can’t stand in love! October 16, 1963 Wednesday. I haven't seen Lenka for a long time. I even missed her. Crap! How devilishly life works, it is impossible to hate, it is impossible to love passionately. Yes, I love her, I can’t help it, although we are different people. I often wonder why