From the author: The author's article was published on my blog "errors in thinking or conversations for awareness" Understanding (from Wikipedia) is a psychological state, the correct perception or interpretation of something event, phenomenon, fact, accepted in a certain circle. Correct Perception or Interpretation...When one person says to another that I understand you, how do you know that understanding is really there? Does he really understand or just agree with what he hears? How to make sure that he has the correct perception? In general, is understanding possible? Isn’t understanding an illusion, when what is desired is presented as reality? Let’s look at the obstacles to understanding, which, in my opinion, are the main ones. Different interpretation based on personal experience. Recognition of one’s interpretations as most accurately reflecting reality. Personal attitude to information. A certain an unchangeable conclusion about a person. 1. Different interpretation based on personal experience. To understand a person, understand his words or actions, we usually rely on our own experience. When we claim to understand another, we are likely to assume that our experience resembles the experience of the person we claim to understand. But these assumptions of ours can lead to serious errors and cause problems in mutual understanding if the experiences differ. By conveying any thoughts to our interlocutor, we hope for understanding. Let's see what our interlocutor is doing. Having received your thoughts, he begins to compare them with his experience. For example, if you say that sugar is very sweet, the interlocutor will remember his feelings, which he also named as “sweet” and agree with you. Suppose you have the experience of tasting an orange as sour. And always, when it comes to oranges, you will mean that they are sour. If you say that all oranges are sour, but your interlocutor has the experience of tasting an orange not only sour, but also sweet, then he will not agree with you. And each of you will prove your point, because your experiences were different. Moreover, you will both be right, but each for himself. When exchanging different experiences, it is very difficult to achieve understanding. But the taste of an orange is not the case when a conflict can flare up (although in life it happens that even because of such a trifle people stop communicating with each other). If a woman, for example, has experience communicating with men who have always cheated, then In all conversations about men, she will hear only the same thing - the man is deceiving. Even if a friend talks about her friend as a wonderful person, the woman will assume that this wonderful man is deceiving his friend. All phrases about a man will be perceived with suspicion and with a search for confirmation of his deception. Another example. Taking offense at her husband, the wife becomes silent and withdraws into herself, demonstrating dissatisfaction. When faced with a similar condition in her husband, based on her experience, the wife may decide that he was offended by something against her. It wouldn’t even occur to her that a man could remain silent because he’s simply upset about something, or doesn’t want to upset his loved ones with something, something that doesn’t concern them personally and will sort itself out on its own, and the wife has absolutely nothing to do with it Or the wife may be offended by her husband, because when she feels bad, the husband, instead of supporting her, withdraws. But a man has his own experience - when he feels bad, it’s easier for him when no one touches him or tries to support him. And he acts from his experience - he eliminates himself, gives his wife time alone to come to her senses. In the examples mentioned, experience is limited, it has only one side, one option of behavior. But it happens that a person has no specific experience at all for some action or experience, and then the words can turn out to be an empty phrase, a slogan. How often do we hear the following words: “accept”, “let go”, “love yourself”, “ love the world”, etc. But how can you accept, let go, love if you don't understand, if you don't have that experience? The words are simpleremain words, slogans remain slogans. This sounds especially funny coming from a person who himself does not understand how to do this, that is, he also has no experience. The person does not understand how to “let go” of this, what to do, what to feel, how to behave? “I let him go because I don’t hold him, and he does what he wants,” the woman will say. To which a friend may object: “No, you’re holding it!” If a friend cannot explain what her concept of “you are holding him” means, then understanding is unlikely to be achieved. And the word “let go” will remain an empty slogan. And it will also cause irritation. It may be that the same word will mean completely different things to different people, because different life experiences are associated with this word. Or the same experiments, but named with different words. Or a word may mean nothing at all if a person has nothing associated with this word. How can we achieve mutual understanding in this case? You can talk about the same thing, but not understand each other at all. I sometimes do this exercise in class. I ask all group members to focus on one selected word-concept and for three minutes imagine this word in pictures. Then the group shares their ideas. Imagine the surprise when people begin to share their ideas. Sometimes these ideas are completely opposite. Focus on the word “generosity.” Close your eyes and occasionally say it to yourself. Imagine this word in pictures. Ask your friend to do the same, and compare your idea with that of your friend. With the word “magnanimity,” someone may have a picture of a gentleman giving a fur coat from his shoulder. In this interpretation, a person will perceive the word “generosity” as something negative, degrading the dignity of others. Another will see in this word a kind gray-haired old man, giving everyone his smile and love. The third is something else. “Generosity” is an example, you can choose any other word and compare ideas. People can use the same words, but at the same time have completely different experiences. For one, a certain word can be very offensive , and another may not attach any significance to it, because he did not have such an experience when this word caused offense in him. There are many examples that can be given, I think that you have already remembered none. So one of the main obstacles to understanding will be different interpretations of words, actions, concepts, experiences, signals.2. Recognizing your interpretations as the most accurate reflection of reality. Just because you listen does not mean that you hear everything. Pay attention to how you behave if something that is said to you does not agree with your ideas, with your beliefs, with your faith, with your view, with your opinion. We begin to block our attention and push away information that we do not like. It turns out that our ability to hear is limited by our opinions, beliefs and beliefs. This means that we are ready to hear only what we already know, which corresponds to what we consider correct. And then how can understanding arise if some information that comes to us contradicts our attitudes, and we begin to block our attention? We begin to defend our idea, sincerely considering it to be true, without trying to verify or clarify it. If we return again to our example with the orange, then in the dialogue about it we can see how one person, who experienced the orange as sour, will argue that all oranges are sour. And he will not react to the assurances of the second that oranges can be sweet, ignoring his experience. All of us: “You don’t understand me!” come from here - we each try to impose our own, sincerely considering this to be the only true one, ignoring the opinion of the interlocutor. And the interlocutor is doing the same thing. You can give the following example. A girl, having met a young man for a year or two (the length of time is not important) and faced with a situation of misunderstanding each other, declares: “I justNow I understand what you are like!” But is this really so? Was she really just now realizing this? She simply believed that her young man corresponded to her image, but the reality turned out to be different. And to the question: “Why did you break up?”, the girl will most likely answer: “He is not who he said he was!” Unfortunately, it is impossible to understand a person while our beliefs and attitudes allow only the information that is given to them. corresponds. In reality, it turns out that we don’t see anything else, and we don’t want to see anything else. There is no understanding, and there cannot be, as long as we draw in our heads the image of those who are next to us and communicate with this image, and not with a person at all. And if suddenly a person ceases to correspond to the image, we cannot understand what happened, why he suddenly changed dramatically. And we often don’t have the desire to understand; we are immediately given a “bad” assessment. How many families collapse because initially no one tried to get to know and understand the person who is nearby - what he likes, what he wants, what he is interested in, whether he accepts Is he our way of life or does he have a completely different view of the family, different expectations from the family. We sincerely believe that the person close to us fully shares our values, and we are indignant if this turns out not to be the case. What is also surprising is that we have a fear of understanding another precisely because, having understood, we may be disappointed in him without having time to enjoy our illusions . We, like blind kittens, poke into a warm sweater, imagining that this is our mother. Yes, how much suffering could have been avoided! After all, if we communicate not with a person, but with our idea of ​​him, and most importantly, the more interested we are in this person, the higher the likelihood of our understanding errors. Think about how ready you are to accept new thoughts? What do you do with what doesn't fit with your structure? Are you trying to understand those people who do not share your point of view? Just be honest, at least don’t deceive yourself.3. Personal attitude to information. Personal attitude is when personal interests, needs and emotions influence our perception. We begin to hear only what we want to hear, and miss important messages that are sent to us from other people. If we are very pleased to hear something, some words cause us pleasure, then we focus our attention on these words and We no longer hear anything except them. Focusing, for example, on words of love, we may not catch the message with which they are presented to us. If something is unpleasant for us, causes pain, resentment, or our needs are not met, then our conditioned reactions come to the fore, and we immediately focus on your feelings, on your thoughts, and not on the words of our interlocutor. “Well, you’re being stupid now...”, our interlocutor throws out. That's it, the information perception channel is closed. All thoughts revolve around the concept of “they called me stupid.” “I should look at myself”, “I’m stupid myself”, “how dare he offend me” - and everything in the same spirit. How can we understand something new if we always react in the old way? Without trying to understand something, we begin to make assessments “this is bad”, “this is good” in relation to us personally. There is no neutral perception of information as information worthy of understanding or rethinking. If it’s good for me personally (again, we take information from personal experience), then it’s good. If it’s bad for me personally, then it’s generally bad. Well, what is the understanding here? “You did me bad and I absolutely don’t want to understand what caused your action. You did me bad!” or “I feel so good with you. And why do you need to understand anything here, why I feel good that you are doing this, that I feel good. I'd rather enjoy it all."4. A certain unchanging conclusion about a person. Have you ever noticed that we not only listen to what a person says, but also make certain conclusions about how the person is characterized by what he is talking about? In the process of communication, we begin to make an assessment person and.