My friends, good day everyone! Have you ever thought that your entire life, which you live now, being, it would seem, an adult and conscious person, is subject to one scenario, the setting for which you received as a child! Don't believe me? I'll tell you about common types of client requests and stories, and you judge for yourself. She (or he) is a very successful specialist, more often than not a leader from God, has excellent results in whatever he starts, whatever he undertakes..... And in front of me this person sits with his eyes downcast and talks about how he is not happy, because his close relationship with his husband or wife does not work out. And it’s very difficult with parents. This person is very afraid to come into contact with the territory of his feelings, and all the time he wonders whether he is doing the right thing now? He comes to me for advice: “What’s the right way?” Because the parental message from childhood reminds: “It is dangerous to act as you feel and want!” Because then you will disappoint those who love you and you will stop being loved! You must please mom and dad!” And then such a person, from childhood, ceases to feel what he wants and needs, constantly checking with others, “Am I doing the right thing now?” Here's another person. (It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman). He feels helpless all the time. Always unable to cope with something on their own and without outside help. Physically, he feels as if something is constantly depriving him of strength and energy. He constantly needs love and support and is always looking for an emotionally warm, supportive relationship. And when he finds them, he strives every day to keep the person who agreed to this relationship next to him at all costs. And he always worries that he is about to be left. He tries to do everything that depends on him in order to keep the other close to him. This becomes his most important goal. So much so that presenting and voicing your own desires, feelings and needs to your loved ones becomes risky: “What if the real me, with all my feelings, desires and needs, just as I am, turn out to be unworthy of love and abandoned?” All this knocks the ground out from under your feet and leaves you no strength to live life to the fullest. Often such people are depressed and cannot cope with it. And all because of the parental message: “You won’t be able to cope without my help.” Listen to me carefully, do as I say, and then you will be happy. Don't risk acting on your own. You'll be wrong. It's dangerous to make mistakes! If you make mistakes or think differently from me, you cease to be valuable!” Another person (it could be a man or a woman) suffers from the fact that all people do not seem valuable and worthy enough to him. He cannot find a friend, a loved one or a psychologist (I am already the twentieth person to whom he says: “How many psychologists have I already tried! And all of them are not literate. Maybe at least you will turn out to be a worthy specialist and can help me!” My not ideality Such a client will never forgive me for an ordinary person. And we may even break up because of this. Because I’m still just a person and I’m not going to lie), So. This person is lonely only because everyone with whom he has already tried to build a relationship is always not competent enough in some way. They can make mistakes, be less than ideal, ordinary people and have shortcomings. This person himself constantly strives to be impeccable. And he even succeeds... But if I suddenly notice, and he finds out that I noticed that he is also ordinary, not flawless and not ideal, then in the place where I caught him not being perfect, he or she will become unbearably ashamed. So much so that the person will not forgive me for catching him in this. Then he will leave me too. Remembering that I am just another illiterate psychologist. Such a person is unbearably lonely. Because he is afraid of being caughtordinary human imperfection. After all, when he makes a mistake or is not ideal in something, he feels unbearable, almost mortal shame. And besides shame - not a single feeling. Because if you suddenly come to life and begin to feel tired, irritated, sad, afraid and notice all your needs in connection with these feelings, then you will have to accept the limitations of your human capabilities, and therefore your imperfection... And be ashamed of it... Parental message to such a child: “It’s a shame to be alive, feeling, ordinary, because such a person is not ideal, because he can be angry, sad, helpless, and make a mistake. You must be impeccable so that I don’t feel ashamed of you!” Some of my clients really like to punish and devalue themselves, not giving themselves the right to recognition of their achievements and self-support. Because they are used to perceiving themselves as worthy of something good only when they got it at enormous physical or emotional cost. But that “it was difficult, but still I managed!” - a person will never admit this! Because such people received the instruction from their parents: “Only by working hard can you count on something good, because only then are you worthy of something, only then do you deserve it!” And such children are never praised. Therefore, adults grow up who do not know how to recognize the value of themselves and their achievements. These, as a rule, are also people who know a lot and are skilled, who have achieved a lot thanks to their desire to invest a lot in even the most insignificant result. These are adults with a right to recognition, obviously. But, as a rule, they agree, for example, to a huge number of responsibilities for a low salary. All their lives they try to earn the recognition of others and yet they always remain convinced that they don’t deserve it just a little bit more... It also happens that people come who do not know how to recognize the boundaries of their own and others’ personality. The boundaries of your states and moods and it’s great to get confused about what’s happening. More often than not, these are men who were told in childhood that they must be strong, cannot cry, cannot feel. Such a child has learned to store mountains of negative, unconscious emotions and needs inside himself and suddenly, when the internal space is filled with them, dump them out on anyone who happens to be nearby. This could be a subordinate who received a portion of rude abuse not at all for his mistakes, but for yesterday’s quarrel with the wife of such a boss. Or a child who received a punch in the evening because of a parent’s difficulties at work. Neither such a person himself nor those around him know when an emotional breakdown will occur. Colleagues and subordinates are afraid of such a person. Relatives don't understand. And he himself is very lonely in the world. Even if he managed to achieve external social success, such a person rarely has close, sincere relationships with anyone. More often he has a codependent family, built on the fear and dependence of his loved ones on him. Parental: “Men don’t cry” does its job. And the small, alive, but not having the right to feel and express anything, the child grows into an insensitive, domineering and despotic adult... She's afraid to trust me. It is unbearable to even think that I could be interested in her personality, sympathize with her and wish her well. It seems to her that all the people around are ready to harm her. Willingly or not. Consciously or unconsciously. She doesn't know how to feel her emotions. And she also doesn’t feel the fact that she is in constant tension until we start working on establishing contact with ourselves and our body…. It’s just that as a child, she often found herself face to face with a situation that she didn’t have enough resources to cope with. And there was no one nearby. “Don't interfere. Mind your own business, get out of here!” or “Do it yourself, you can do it!” Such words from the most significant adults formed the idea that being interested in other people or making them interested in oneself is quite a thing.