“Oh-h... Well, how can we live after this? And with him, this watchdog, how to live? After all, you have to. Quit? I can’t do this, Katya, I love a fool. When I was little, I watched how my dad chased my mother around the house with a belt and thought: “I will never in my life” marry a man who would beat me. And what? Oh, my share is my share. No, Katya, can you imagine - it happened only last week - and here it is again. It's a shame to appear in front of people. – With a sigh, he shows off a powdery black eye. – And for what, you ask? - He sobs. - In order? What is the order here? He came home from work just now. As usual, I’m at the stove, cooking dinner. I tell him: the buckwheat is running out. He seemed to understand nothing: So what? I wave it off: Nothing. And I see that his eyes are already bloodshot - this is necessary, he’s crazy! So, should we go buy it? asks. No, I say, no need, where are you going, it’s dark outside. Moreover, there is little money. He is indignant: how little, last week he gave you half your salary to live on. I say that there was half the salary - a cat’s worth, if it were all, I would still get out. He: I would have gotten out of it if I hadn’t bought my eighth pair of summer shoes. I say: do you feel sorry for sandals for your own wife? I may have no other happiness in my life than these sandals, but you regretted it. And he slammed the door, and that was it. I'm sitting waiting. I’m crying – it’s still a shame. Comes. Of course, under the shower. Why, he asks, are you sitting here. I'm silent. Why are you silent? I'm silent. And off we go, Katya, he told me such words that I would be ashamed to even repeat them, though I don’t want to repeat what I told him either, I would dirty my tongue again... Well, and then - here. – Points to his face and shrugs his shoulders sadly. - What's next? I seized the moment - and ran to the neighbors, somehow calmed him down, shamed him, he came to his senses, let's ask for forgiveness. I don't care. He probably apologized for about forty minutes, promised to buy a new coat, well, I gave up. So what should we do now, Katya? Do you think this can't be tolerated? Yes? Incompatible with female dignity? Let him buy boots and a hat for that? No, Katya, this is too much, we’ll go broke, both of us. Okay, I’ll think about it, maybe I’ll ask for some more cake. You call in the evening, if I beg, I’ll expect you for tea tomorrow, but no, at least you’ll sympathize with me, the unfortunate one.” “I’m so sick of all this, Valera. There is no longer any life. Once again my kikimora created a tragedy in two acts out of nothing. From buckwheat. How? Yes, that’s how they know how to do this, elementary, don’t feed them bread - let them fray their nerves. I came home yesterday and wanted to eat - I could have eaten a bull. My grandmother is standing at the stove, cooking something. There is no buckwheat, he says. Well, no, and no, what do I care, the pan still smells like potatoes. But I’m a man, I have to help the lady, since this is the case. Come on, I say, I’ll go to the store. And she told me - you know what? You, he says, are like a small child, it’s dark outside, stay at home, otherwise you’ll get involved somewhere. And you didn’t earn money for buckwheat. Can you imagine, Valera? Like that crow, my breath stole from my throat, but not from joy. Well, I’m strong, I have to control myself. I hint to her so carefully: maybe it’s not I who earned little, but you squandered a lot on your little tricks? And she told me - I squander it, because you’re unhappy, you ruined my life. Well, I couldn’t stand it and left. Where to go? I went to Ivan to drink vodka. We talked to him about life, I calmed down and cheered up. I think I need to go home, otherwise she’s sitting there alone, bored, maybe. When I come, she’s roaring. And he is silent. I go to her this way and that way - she doesn’t look at me, as if I’m not here. Well, I went wild. I think if you don’t wish for good, madam, it will be for you in a bad way. In general, word for word, and then I and... Well, I couldn’t restrain myself, I hit her in the face. Well, not so much, of course, the teeth and nose are intact, but the “lantern” looks like it’s been around for a week. And she screams at the neighbors - such an action even without spectators? Disorder. In general, I myself am no longer glad that I returned home, they came running, gathered a consultation around me, and even poured cold water from a glass, I remember.It’s a shame - it’s terrible, but she stands there so proud. At least her again... And then I look - proud, proud, and she herself is all in tears, sniffling, her eyes are purple. It was a pity, a pity - and a shame. I immediately remembered how my dad “educated” me with a strap. Let's ask for forgiveness. We agreed on a coat. Well, sort of like compensation for moral damage. But in my soul, Valera, the cats are still scratching. And it’s not about the coat, I don’t feel sorry for it, but I love her, I’m a fool, and she’s tormenting me, and hitting me is also not the point. The devil himself will break his leg, who is right and who is wrong.” The problem of assault in Russian families is not new, and has its own long tradition. Moreover, we all know that once this phenomenon was not even considered a problem. We all come from childhood, and our childhood took place in Soviet and early post-Soviet times, and before the Union there was Tsarist Russia, and before it - Mother Rus', and the tradition of corporal punishment grows, without exaggeration, from the depths of centuries. Not everyone, for example, knows that the legendary Domostroy gives valuable advice on preparations and cooking, but almost everyone without exception has heard that it is written there how to properly “punish” a wife. We will not now evaluate this method and discuss its effectiveness; we will only recognize its existence as a fact. And this fact is recorded in the cultural consciousness of the Russian people, even in the 20th century - let us recall at least the trilogy about the childhood of M. Gorky, “Quiet Don” by Sholokhov... The head of the family in the traditional consciousness is “endowed with the right” to apply physical punishment to his household, including his wife , and children. And no matter how far we have moved away from the patriarchal ancient way of life, husbands in Russia sometimes beat their wives. It happens, of course, the other way around, but less frequently (for example, in Germany, wives beat their husbands more often, there is even a network of shelters for men who have suffered from domestic violence and run away from their wives). According to sexologists, about 15% of women are capable of experiencing sexual arousal from painful sensations, that is, to transform pain into vivid sexual experiences. But women in general, not only those who are included in this “lucky” 15%, experience pleasure from communicating with strong, aggressive men, and this is easily explained from an evolutionary point of view: firstly, the stronger and more aggressive the male, the more the more viable, which means the more viable offspring he will produce; secondly, the more dangerous the male, the sooner you need to “signal” that you are a sexual object and are not subject to attack. The stronger a man is, the better defender he is from external enemies and dangers, and this is also beneficial, etc. Hence, perhaps, such a favorable reaction of the “beautiful half” to such specific manifestations of affection as “hickeys”, slaps on a soft spot, pinching and biting. Sexual violence (which sometimes you can’t even call violence) exists, and each couple has its own range of acceptability; we all choose what will allow us to add a little “spice” to our intimate life and at the same time leave behind pleasant memories. However, it often happens that there is domestic violence, but sex no longer smells, or it is very far from aggressive actions. This is violence as such, violence implicated in pain and anger towards a partner and towards oneself. This violence is “attached” not to a sexual act, but to a scandal, and the sensual component (the natural pleasure from the fact that a man dominates and a woman submits) is gradually erased and fades away, and only a large number of extremely powerful negative emotions remain. After all, it happens that for some reason a person feels bad and hurts, and he, not knowing how to naturally and constructively free himself from these emotions, pours out pain on a loved one, and then - who is at his best, someone wields a “caustic word”, someone - “loud screams.” And someone uses cuffs. And it happens that a woman comes together who latently longs for punishment (for some kind of guilt that was most often “hanged on her in childhood,” or one that she invented for herself), the woman whoappeals to the role of the victim (because it is “sweet”, because everyone is sorry, because then you can cleverly manipulate the “guilty” and get what you want, from attention and affection to a new fur coat and “eternal fidelity”), and a man who is ready to give to her what she wants from him. And the methods of interaction here can be very different, but if a woman is looking for violence, and a man can afford it (and if he doesn’t allow it sober, then he allows it under the influence of alcohol), then most likely she will get it sooner or later. But since this interaction is based on negative emotions, pain, anger at oneself and at the other, then it will give even more negative emotions as a result. And next time these negative emotions will also begin to manifest themselves in this way, and in the “after the next”. This is how a habit will form. A woman will feel bad, provoke a man’s aggression, cry, feel a bright hormonal surge, relax in the end - and she will seem to feel better for a while. Or, for example, she will provoke him “in advance”, and receive violence when he is ready to give it to her (let’s say, under the influence). And then at some point the man will feel that something is wrong with him, and decide that it’s probably his wife looking at him askance, and again... The lump of resentment will grow and grow. And it happens that even in the early In childhood, we learned a false “pattern”: love is attention. And we get used to it, when we want to feel love, to demand attention, no matter whether it’s positive or negative (and more often negative, it’s easier to achieve). And we do something specifically so that they look at us sternly, pull us back, shout at us, slap us (this is attention, it means that we are “loved” at that moment). And then - more, because they get used to our antics and stop paying attention to them. And negative behavior is gaining momentum - and at the same time, the reaction to it is intensifying. And if a person satisfies the need for love (which has been replaced by attention) with the help of squabbles and quarrels, then he has every chance of going down this path to a scandal with assault. Maybe you shouldn’t rush “there”? By the way, there are still very interesting cases when sexual behavior is intertwined with cuffs and slaps in one bizarre tangle. For example, when a woman has a little-conscious sexual fantasy that she really wants to fulfill, but at the same time save “her face.” That is, due to the inflexibility of her attitudes, she does not allow herself to do this (although she really, really wants to). Then she begins to provoke the man to “punish” her in this way. Or he took responsibility and did it “forcibly” with her. In this way, she satisfies her fantasy and remains “good” at the same time. True, the man remains a despot and a rapist. Also, some men are not able to admit that they want to do something “so-so” with their wife, after which they will look like simply immoral monsters in the eyes of the family community. As a result, dissatisfaction with your partner, with yourself, and possibly alcoholism. And of course, this can lead to domestic violence in any of its variants. And if such a destructive pattern of behavior has formed in the family, then this problem must be solved. Together. It is useless for a wife to put pressure on her husband so that he “codes himself” and stops “doing indecent acts while drunk.” It is useless for a husband to send his wife to a psychologist “so that he can do something with her.” This is a task for two, but this is the beauty of many family tasks - they need to be solved together, and together, as we know, it is more fun and interesting. First, you need to understand that at the root of assault lies something else, something childish, very simple and completely unrelated to your current family. It is important to admit your 50% guilt and get out of a situation where only one is “to blame”. At first glance, this may seem difficult, especially if the problem is “old.” Then, perhaps, it makes sense to use outside help together, that is, turn to good specialists. Not to mom's