How to refuse? There was a film with Jim Carrey, “Always Say Yes,” where the main character, after training, began to agree to all requests and proposals. In life, it seems to me, a more important skill is the ability to say No. Not always and not for everyone, but to have the freedom to do so. How does it happen that a person loses the freedom to say no? A person may have been rejected because of his reluctance to do something as a child. They could feel guilty and ashamed for refusals. They could say that in society it is not customary to refuse and good boys and girls do not refuse the requests of those in need. They could say that refusals greatly hurt and offend. Then such a person, as an adult, may begin to feel guilt and shame when he has to refuse someone. Whether to refuse to transfer to a promoter, to an annoying salesman calling on the phone, or to someone close to you that you don’t want to do. The desire to help is not bad. The question is how free I am in this. If I can say No, but I choose Yes based on my values, goals, and whatnot, then this is one story. But if I don’t want something, but periodically agree to it, then it’s worth researching, what’s stopping me from saying no to someone else? For example, you can explain it this way: “Another may be offended” “I should help people in need of help” “I will look like a bad person if I refuse” “They will stop communicating with me”, etc. And then if I refuse, then I can feel guilt and shame. In order not to worry about them, I can agree to do something that does not suit me. And when I do this, I deny myself and choose someone else. Why should I suddenly help someone to the detriment of myself? If I said as correctly as possible that I couldn’t, but the other one was offended, then am I really to blame for the other person’s feelings? Maybe this is some kind of his story? Will they really stop communicating with me? Typically, people who are fairly firm in their No will command respect for their boundaries. If I can't say No, is it really a request? A request usually implies the possibility of refusal. When I say no to someone, it does not always mean that I am rejecting the other. I may reject, for example, only a request, but want to maintain a relationship with the person. And I think it’s important to emphasize this, to talk about the importance of refusal, choosing your needs and the value of relationships. Then maybe someone else will hear it and try to satisfy their need in another way. If you have a lot of feelings when you say no and find it difficult to do so, then it might be worth exploring this topic in therapy..