Life in captivity of illusions or how to get out of a fairy tale? My husband and I’s son says this when he receives a new toy, “thank you, that’s what I wanted,” and he says it very much joyfully. “How happy he is,” I think at that moment. “His desires and reality coincided, which is rare for an adult.” As you know, charm is often followed by disappointment, this is how the life of an adult works. I don’t know who taught us to wait too much, or not to appreciate what we receive, not to see the positive aspects in what we already have. The ability to create illusions is common to all people. Our imagination draws us the best pictures for our future life. When expectations and reality do not coincide, and it turns out like that children’s game “find five differences in the pictures,” we find one hundred and twenty-five and are sad. We choose - we are chosen Illusion - something visible, apparent. “I think he loves me”, “I think she’s a good housewife”, “I think she’s a good friend” - we quite often hear such phrases from our friends and family and even from themselves. Are these statements true and in reality, or are these just our desires - turned into expectations from other people. In this article we will talk about such a phenomenon as illusions. The fairy-tale world of childhood prepares us for the fact that miracles happen. And even though we have already grown up and don’t believe in the existence of Santa Claus and a magical fairy, we really want to believe that at least some small miracle will happen in our lifetime. Something from the series “He will notice me”, “She will notice attention to me,” “I will be invited to work in that very company,” “She will be friends with me.” The problem with illusions is that we want to think about people better than they really are. Lovers tend to be fascinated by each other. Sometimes business partners, friends, colleagues build the same radiant projections in relation to each other. Projection is attributing to another those properties and qualities that he does not have. Life outside of reality Often we build our thoughts towards others in the form of expectations. “He must love me,” says a woman who has just entered into a relationship with a man, “He must take care of me and help me in everything.” This is her expectation from him; if this expectation does not come true, and most likely it will be violated, then retribution will follow immediately in the form of resentment, silent protest, etc. “She must be obedient and unconditionally do everything I say,” he thinks in response. In this example there is an experience of “not meeting”. These two, from the previous example (exaggerated of course), interact with the expectations that they have built regarding each other. They don’t see reality, he doesn’t see that this woman he chose has her own opinion and has difficulty yielding to a man. She doesn’t see that in addition to her beloved, in the life of her chosen one there is also his work, hobbies, friends, that he is simply not ready to spend all his free time with her. I have been working as a psychologist for many years, for 11 years I have met people on my way who simultaneously want to remain in their illusions about themselves and other people, and also strongly want to break free from illusory fetters. “I want her to come back to me,” says my husband on the verge of divorce. At this point in his life, he tries to ignore all signs of family breakdown. For example, the fact that his wife left for another man, does not answer phone calls, and reacts aggressively to all his attempts to meet. It can be understood, because getting out of the illusion that “everything can still be fixed” means a tough collision with reality. As they say, there is no pain more terrible than the pain of lost illusions. If someone experienced a hard landing during the landing of an airliner, then you can compare it to this. The plane, which had previously been hovering smoothly, enters into rigid adhesion to the surface of the landing strip. In the same way, it can be painful for a person to “fall into the truth”; abrasions and bruises remain...on the soul.M. Beatty, in his book “Day by Day from Codependency,” writes about illusions intowards another person like that. "Our happiness is not a gift in someone else's hands. No one else is holding our well-being, intending to give it to us or withhold it on some whim. If we reach out to someone and force us to give us what we think he or she holds, then we will be disappointed. WE will find that it is an illusion. The other person does not hold it. And the beautifully packaged box with a bow containing our happiness, which we think is held by the other person, is an illusion. “No one can make another happy - it’s a fiction. There's no point in waiting for this. This is the path of tormenting yourself and your partner, in attempts to lure the key to happiness from him. I feel sorry for all those who come to me to see the truth of their life, which they do not want to see. But this pity should not be so strong that I cease to be a support for those who land in the reality of their relationships with others, or with themselves. Because when it shakes, it is very important that there is a person nearby who knows that it will still be possible to land. I know that sometimes it’s even scary to look sideways at the truth, let alone look into its eyes. Attention, danger! Reality destroys the illusion “I want my husband to be warm towards me and start taking care of me,” says another client of mine, after 10 years of marriage. “Has he ever done this?” I ask. “Actually no, he was always more preoccupied with himself and distant not only from me, but also from the children,” she admits. While we think that a person and his behavior will change with the wave of a magic wand, we are captive of our expectations, our illusions. Sometimes recognition of reality, seeing a person as he is, makes it possible for new forces and energy to emerge. Until this point, these resources were spent waiting. As they say, waiting for death is worse than death itself. Unfulfilled expectations cause anger, resentment, and tension between those people who are in a relationship at that moment. Although, of course, reality is more destructive than sweet illusions that he is actually different. After all, the loss of illusions can lead to the fact that the relationship may end. When the flair dissipates, the partners will see that they are not suitable for each other, that this man or this woman cannot give him/her something fundamental, important for the sake of which the relationship was actually built. Support, love, attention to the extent that the partner needs. For some reason, we all come into relationships so as not to feel lonely, to be bored together, to share something important, to receive, to give, etc. All fairy tales come to visit us..."However, facing the realities of one's own life helps to get rid of from illusions that distort the picture of your own past, and get a clearer and clearer idea of ​​it" A. Miller "The Drama of a Gifted Child." The truth is that we do not want to see reality. We don’t want to see the child’s reluctance to study or enroll in a university, we pull him “by the ears”, we lose money, strength, energy. A diploma in economics, law and management gathers dust on a shelf, but my parental ambitions are satisfied. We don’t want to see the limitations of a disabled child, we drag him into competition at school, along with healthy children, and we torture him. All this so that they all: child, husband, parents meet our expectations from them. All this is just for their own satisfaction. There is such a concept as “narcissistic expansion,” when a parent tries to replenish his narcissism at the expense of his own child, to satisfy his “ego.” “I want my husband to stop drinking,” says the wife of an alcoholic. “I know I can convince him this time to stop drinking once and for all. This woman believes that she can force her husband, but she does not want to face the reality that her husband does not want to stop drinking. She, and he doesn’t call and try to find help for addicted people; on the day when he needs to go to a specialist, he has more urgent and important things to do,