From the author: the article was taken from my website: www.psifactor.rf Betrayal by one of the partners is one of the most difficult trials in a couple’s life. This is a kind of milestone, after which nothing will be the same as before. Often after this milestone, relationships collapse and can no longer be restored. Where there was love, tenderness and trust, pain, resentment and disappointment appear. And if the one who was cheated on decides to forgive the one who cheated, both partners are inevitably forced to face the whole range of experiences and feelings that accompany betrayal, starting with resentment, anger, fear and ending with guilt and despair. What to do with feelings It is important to live the surging feelings and emotions correctly, since “under-acceptance”, “under-forgiveness” and “misunderstanding” of what happened becomes the poison that subsequently kills all the best day after day what was in the relationship: love, joy, pleasure, tenderness, trust, support. In the present, only the ashes of alienation, anger, fatigue and pain remain. All this leads to the fact that people who previously loved and rejoiced at each other turn almost, and sometimes not almost, into enemies. Reaction to a partner’s betrayal Shock, pain, resentment, anger are the first feelings of someone who finds out about the betrayal. They can be so strong that a person’s natural reaction is to try to somehow get away from these feelings, to drown them out. On the one hand, this can be expressed in a constant search for “distractions”, and on the other hand, restraining one’s emotions in front of a partner. The situation is aggravated by the fact that many people consider it “beneath their dignity” to show the full depth of their pain and disappointment to another: “what else... so he/she will understand how valuable and important he is to me and will hurt me even more...” Such behavior leads to the fact that “acute inflammation” turns into a “chronic process” - the feelings seem to dull, but do not go away and periodically “cover” the person experiencing them. How to maintain a relationship after betrayal If partners decide to maintain the relationship, in the future this behavior leads to permanent, “ slipping" insults, reproaches, injections, exhausting them both. Therefore, it is wiser in such situations to give vent to your feelings and emotions and direct them not somewhere, but precisely to the person who is the "culprit." “You hurt me a lot” “I’m suffering now, I feel bad”, “I’m angry with you.” Oddly enough, a couple of broken plates only help release tension and improve the situation. But there is another extreme - some people get very stuck in their grievances, despite the fact that they express it, turning the process of “stormy showdown” into protracted hostilities .Why is this happening? One of the reasons is increased sensitivity to rejection, usually rooted in childhood. Those of us who received less love from our parents, were abandoned by them, felt the bitterness of betrayal of our basic needs for love and support from adults, in the future it will be especially react sharply to any situations of distance from another (disagreement in opinions, criticism, claims from a partner, minor quarrels, etc.), and not just to betrayal. In this case, any actions of the other aimed at increasing the distance are perceived as complete rejection and therefore cause severe mental pain. Cheating is experienced as a complete collapse of the inner world, a massive attack on the fragile mental balance and causes a storm of emotions, including severe resentment and the desire to “destroy” the partner. In this case, it is recommended not only family psychological therapy aimed at restoring relationships, but also individual seeking psychological help aimed at working through personal traumas. Professional psychological help in this case significantly helps both partners. The second reason is the inevitably arising state of uncertainty caused by the question: “if they cheated on me, then something is wrong with me, I’m not giving somethingto your partner.” What actions destroy the relationship in a couple completely? Unfortunately, in most cases, a person does not realize the presence of this issue with all clarity, but rather “feels”, “feels” it. Therefore, instead of starting to understand the existing relationships, accepting part of the responsibility for them, and sitting down at the negotiating table, he begins to torment himself and the other with questions: “tell me, how was it? How did it all start? And what, what is he/she like? I want to know all the details of your novel.” This strategy does not heal, but cripples. It is crippling because a person never receives an answer to the main question: “Why did this happen? What is my responsibility? What did/did I do wrong in our relationship?”, but instead constantly hurts himself with comparisons with “this” or “that”, and comparisons that are not in his favor. And here self-deprecation begins, mental pain grows and requires an outlet. “Go to your... your... he/she will make you happy..” - this is a fairly common way to throw out your pain. Then the person scolds himself, tries to stop himself, because he does not want his loved one to actually leave, and is afraid of this... But he cannot stop. The PAIN is stronger than it. Therefore, you should not ask such questions. It’s better to ask: “What didn’t you receive in your relationship with me? How can I fix this? The question is simple, but very difficult to ask. After all, in order to approach this issue, you need to experience pain, resentment, anger. And, in addition, the very fact of betrayal is a symbol of the fact that the relationship was not open and clear enough, therefore, there is no experience of direct, open, frank conversation about each other. Restoring relationships after betrayal And a lot of courage, openness and honesty is required, to decide to have such conversations. If there are not enough internal mental resources, it is better to seek psychological help from a family psychologist or psychotherapist. Without prolonging the situation, you will significantly increase the chance not only of restoring relationships, but also of their significant improvement. After all, if the “relationship” got sick, it means that their immunity was weakened, and a foreign virus was able to penetrate into the “body” of the couple. Boris Akunin wrote: “When a particularly difficult problem arises, the most important thing is to see it from the right perspective and understand - it is not Is it the key to resolving an even more difficult problem.” If you do not have the opportunity to consult a psychologist, when “treating” your relationship you should know and remember the following: 1. Cheating is a “disease” of relationships. If it happened, this means that there were already some breakdowns in your interaction, and they lacked warmth, love, and sincerity.2. As sad as this may sound, in most cases part of the responsibility for what happened lies with the person who was cheated on. The only way to understand what it is is to have an honest and open conversation with your partner about your relationship. Of course, there are situations when the injured partner did not in any way contribute to the betrayal, and it occurred due to the character traits and internal moral attitudes of the one who cheated . In this case, it is necessary to talk about compensation from the one who caused damage to the relationship. What is compensation? Although many husbands who are inclined to “go to the left” believe that the best compensation is a new fur coat or some other gift for their wife, this is not so. From my point of view, compensation is a change in one’s behavior in which the relationship and the loved one nearby are not traumatized. Its consistent implementation will be a signal for the injured party about the possibility of a happy relationship with a partner, despite the pain caused to him.3. Finding out the details of the betrayal only leads to a deterioration in the relationship. You shouldn’t traumatize yourself again by asking about the details of what happened.4. All resentments, anger, irritation, mutual claims that are not fully expressed do not disappear and, therefore, continue to destroy the relationship.5. If you decide to save