From the author: The second stage of working on psychological reactions that interfere with life and relationships. I have previously written about the psychological effects of being raised by a toxic mother. We were talking about daughters, since most often they come to me for therapy. Here I would like to make one clarification about the term “toxic” mother. Many people who are far from psychology perceive this term negatively, and they can be understood, because toxic is usually called something poisonous or poisonous. We give the word “mother” a positive meaning - after all, she is the one who gives life, so a priori she cannot be “poisonous”. However, quite a lot of women become “toxic” for their children in the psychological sense of the word: a mother who is unable to love her child, who does not know how to be emotionally warm, supportive, and not suffocating with her care, giving enough freedom for development and maturation. When we say that a mother is “toxic,” it does not mean that we are judging or blaming her. To be like this is not a conscious choice of this woman, but the result of her own life history, her relationships with her parents and other significant people. However, the daughter of such a mother, growing up, experiences many difficulties in her life. In a previous article about how the daughter of a toxic mother can help herself cope with the psychological consequences, I described the first stages of restoring sensitivity - bodily and emotional. If after this work you manage to notice your bodily and emotional reactions before they become excessive, you can praise yourself: you have successfully done a difficult job! What to do next? The next stage is structurally similar to the previous ones - we observe, record, analyze. The difference is the focus of attention. Now we pay close attention to a) people and b) situations that cause certain reactions and emotions. A small theoretical digression for a better understanding of the essence of practical work. One of the features of the psyche is that it strives to complete the unfinished. This is what science calls homeostasis - the desire of living organisms to achieve balance. Any contact must end with the satisfaction of a need1, otherwise the organism, in our case a person, tends to return to unfinished contact. The expression “complete the gestalt” that you have probably heard is about exactly this. Let me explain with an example. You are about to meet with a friend/girlfriend. Something in your relationship does not suit you and you intend to talk to this person about your dissatisfaction. But when you meet, it turns out that something important/unpleasant/requiring your participation has happened to him/her. In other words, there is no room for your topic, you respond to your friend’s condition and support him in every possible way. But the need to talk doesn’t go away, and you try to do it again and again in your next meetings. When a conversation happens one day, the need is satisfied regardless of the outcome - positive or negative. Until you talk to a friend, the tension (often unconscious) from an unsatisfied need will remain with you, manifesting itself through: - the body in the form of muscle clamps, pressure, compression or others, - through an emotional background, accompanied by irritation or sadness , apathy, rapid and frequent mood changes, etc., through sleep and/or eating disorders. These manifestations will be the more noticeable, the more relevant and significant the specific need for a person. If we talk about the sphere of relationships, the most important will be the needs associated with the most significant people - parents, spouses, close friends, leaders on whom we can depend. For a child, these are, of course, the parents2, not always the mother, although she, of course, in most cases turns out to be a more important figure than the father, due to a closer physical and emotional connection. What needs does the child satisfy inrelationship with your mother? These are what are called basic psychological needs: the need for safety, love, acceptance. If these needs are fully satisfied, a person grows up adapted and able to build healthy, stable relationships. If the above needs are frustrated, that is, not satisfied, a person strives again and again to those relationships where these needs can potentially be satisfied - child-parent, partner or business. The paradox is that when finding oneself in another relationship, a person uses familiar ways of behavior, steps on the same rake again and again, as a result of which contact never happens. In general, the main task of the second stage of independent work on regaining oneself is to learn to notice and be aware of exactly what kind of people (appearance, behavioral characteristics, expressions and addresses that they use in speech, etc.) and situations (when you are not allowed to speak out on a topic in which you are competent; when someone devalues ​​your feelings or actions; when someone behaves as if they have power over you, and you do not know how to resist it; when someone shows excessive care that you did not ask for, that you do not need - this is only small. spectrum of possible most typical situations) cause unwanted reactions and feelings. Analysis of the observation results will help answer the question: “What in people and situations is unacceptable to me, what causes the most tension, irritation, resentment, guilt.” The analysis will allow us to form some picture of the “pain points”. I called this stage context analysis. The duration of observation is determined by you. There are two ways. First: designate a time for yourself, for example, one week, during which all possible “negatively charged” contacts and situations are recorded. Second: 2-3 episodes are recorded in different situations and people provoking unwanted feelings and sensations, so that in total there is, say, a dozen. This is enough to see some patterns in your perception and behavior. An observation scheme might look something like this:1. Briefly describe the context of the contact (place, time, etc.)2. Write down sensations and emotions.3. Briefly describe the features of human behavior (actions, words, facial expressions, gestures, etc.) or the nuances of the situation (place, number of participants and their actions/words, time of day, etc., which seems important) that caused these unwanted sensations and emotions . When you have collected a sufficient number of episodes for analysis, you can analyze them. Answer the following questions for yourself: What words/facial expressions/gestures/actions of other people are present in all or many of the recorded episodes? What sensations and emotions do I have associated with these words/facial expressions/gestures/actions? What features of the situations are present in all or many of the recorded episodes? many described episodes? What events/people of my past are similar to the episodes recorded in the diary? By answering these questions honestly (and perhaps others that arise during your research), you will be able to see some cause-and-effect relationships between events in your past life and typical reactions in the present. And here it is useful to ask yourself: “Do I want to change this? Am I willing to do something to make change happen?” If the answers to these questions are positive, ask another question: “What should it be/look like after the changes?” Imagine or write down the answer in as much detail as possible. This question will help a) highlight the most important changes, b) detail and visualize them in as much detail as possible. This will help set a more or less clear goal for change and allow you to choose a clear direction for the path. What to do with the conclusions based on the results of this part of the observation, how to work to achieve changes, I will write in the next article. There are different techniques and methods, depending on the typical difficulties. 1 Let me remind you that I rely on the provisions of Gestalt therapy, which is why I use the terminology.