When a family collapses... it’s always scary... It doesn’t matter who the initiator is, what the reasons are... Divorce is already a decision made. Inside there is fear and a gaping emptiness, sticky shame and aching resentment, pain that is difficult to localize... How can a woman with a small child in her arms, or even two, get through a divorce? To live, not to survive. Survive=wait out-pretend. Living is the basis for qualitative changes in life after a divorce situation. Going through a divorce is very similar in intensity to grieving for a departed person. At first, the woman goes into shock. On the one hand, it has a protective function - at least somehow muffles the pain during showdowns and clarification of relationships leading to the decision to divorce. Then comes anger, which is directed at everyone - everyone around is to blame for your divorce. Then bargaining - when you agree to everything, if only the state of love and happiness returns to the family. “I’m ready for anything, if only my husband would become the same as he was a year ago (at the beginning of the relationship),” you can hear from a woman. Then comes the realization that it is impossible to return the past, and in fact - why return what led to the situation of today? And it turns out that I don’t agree to “everything” at all. The realization that the relationship has died covers one with depression. All hopes of saving the family are lost. And if these losses can be somehow justified or understood, then the most difficult thing is to part with the dreams that you associated with your relationship. Losing the meaning of the future is probably the hardest thing about grieving for a dead relationship. The ability to accept the loss of relationships and dreams for the future is the first step in overcoming depression. Accepting the situation of a divorce is the foundation for building a new stage in your life. The stages of grief can precede each other, replace each other, and repeat themselves cyclically until true acceptance of the situation occurs. On average, this takes the first year after a divorce. Awareness of what is happening to you will help you observe yourself as you live through a particular period, help yourself, based on your understanding of what is happening. What are the basic principles of self-help during divorce? First, you need to cry because you have lost someone close to you, if you have a desire to scream, then scream, if you have a desire to break dishes, hit. “Very loud” singing helps a lot. But, under no circumstances take it out on your children, parents, and friends, as they are not to blame for your experiences and are not drains. Allow all negative experiences, emotions, and feelings to fully spill out. Holding back the negativity inside, putting on a proud and strong appearance can lead to self-intoxication, which in turn can lead to a nervous breakdown. No get-togethers with a friend discussing the vile qualities and actions of her ex-husband. No discussions of family conflicts, the divorce process, or other grievances. Firstly, it will strengthen the position of the “victim” in you. Secondly, there is no point in looking into the past, it makes sense to let it go, taking responsibility for yourself and your life, for your decision - divorce. You shouldn’t team up with friends in misfortune and have whiny get-togethers. Spend time with real friends. A true friend of any gender will provide real support: help with the child (children), care and warmth of the soul. A true friend will try to cheer you up and won’t let you start whining. And it won’t keep you in a state of self-pity. Because he understands that this is the path to the swamp, and you don’t need to go there. Provide yourself with mandatory and regular employment, alternating with quality rest. You have responsibilities: 1. Provide for yourself and your children financially: sit down and make a plan. How and how much you can earn, where and how much you will spend. How to improve your financial situation, what reserves can be used, etc. Try not to rely on your ex-husband when making a plan. It will help - great. It won't or will stop - you have a plan. 2. Maintain your health: you must, yes, you must! – maintain your health for later life, and for your children. Toto lift them, you will need a lot of strength and health. If you break down because of mental suffering, they will suffer first. Think about it, make a list of criteria for your healthy condition, and check it regularly. Eat on time and nutritiously, take vitamins. Also set a daily routine and include at least 15 minutes for yourself. Elementary gymnastics and a procedure for a fresh face that suits you is a very necessary thing for health and strength. And find ways to relax. Remember what you have long wanted to do, but you didn’t find time for it or permanently put it off “for later” - implement these things. Remember - your child or your children need a healthy, joyful mother, but not a victim of divorce and a hostage to motherhood. If you have the opportunity to go on vacation alone or with a good friend, do it. Vacation will help break the cycle of suffering, allow you to physically distance yourself from the situation and allow you to look at it literally from the outside. 3. And again about the children: they experienced a lot of stress, difficult last days (months, years?) of marriage, and then a divorce. Infants do not understand what is happening, but they feel all the mother’s experiences, their health directly depends on your condition now. And now their inner gaze is turned to you. By how you react, they judge the global nature of the changes in their personal universe. If you show them hopeless melancholy, or, even worse, an angry fury, this will be their final downfall. Remember, children are not the subject of blackmail and bargaining in a showdown with your ex-husband. Remember, it was you who divorced him, he is essentially no one to you, but to your children he is a dear and close person - a father. By rejecting the father, you are harming the child. Divorce is the nullification of the roles of “husband” and “wife”; it is the collapse of the relationship between you in the roles of “man” and “woman”. At the same time, you forever remain in the roles of “mother” and “father” in relation to your children. It is in these roles that you will have to build communication, albeit not immediately, but it’s worth doing. Remember, children go through the divorce of their parents very painfully, people who are equally close to them, support your children - give them your love and care, do not ignore their experiences. 4. Be balanced and optimistic. Yes, most Russian women do not like themselves. It's time to turn your attention to yourself. Learn to love yourself. Become the “sun” in whose rays a child or children will feel so comfortable. You simply need to be filled with love for yourself and the world, so as not to attract similar past relationships into your life. Filling yourself with the energy of love, you can qualitatively change all areas of your life and make them beautiful. Experience change as joy, liberation, new horizons of development and happiness. Don't pretend it, feel it. Look around you. Personal misfortune is deafening. Makes you lose your bearings, hangs over you like a sphere of blackness and pain. The whole world around us through this prism is painted in gray and black colors. Shake yourself up and see that the world is full of rainbow colors. Focus your perception on finding happy moments in life. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Look for beauty, create beauty with your own hands, fill your living space with beauty. Pay attention to your beauty, both external and internal. It is important for a woman in any condition to be beautiful. This is a special resource for getting through difficult periods, take advantage of it. Another significant moment. It’s not worth knocking out a wedge with a wedge. Why do you need a wedge again? What am I talking about? Rushing to create a new relationship immediately after a divorce is not very reasonable. As a rule, you will choose someone similar to your former husband. Why do you need this? Get professional support. Do you feel like you can't cope? Seek help from a specialist. Very often, shame and guilt, fear of being alone, etc. prevent you from living through a divorce situation. Psychological support will allow you to work through all your conditions and identify goals for your immediate development, analyze your own mistakes that contribute to divorce and correct them, and return to living every day to the fullest!!