From the author: Conduct your own diagnosis! Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, overeating, shopping addiction - the list is very long. Often these words stand next to another word - addiction. The realities of life are such that our consumer society, through intrusive and often aggressive advertising, persistently creates and maintains various types of addictions - from simple objects to style and lifestyle. Today it is difficult to find a person free from any addiction. According to some estimates, up to 98 people are addicted % percent of the population of developed countries, regardless of cultural or social background. Very often people do not even suspect that they are dependent - on other people and relationships with them. But no matter what form it takes, it still limits a person’s development and can poison the lives of both the addict and those around him, ruin relationships with loved ones and prevent a person from developing fully. Some time ago a woman came to me. Outwardly, she seemed quite prosperous, but the further we delved, the more it became clear in what complicated relationships she lived with her loved ones. Tatyana, that was the client’s name, did not work, ran a household, devoting herself entirely to her husband and teenage children. Her whole life was built around others. She gave everything to them and received little in return; she did everything for her loved ones, even when they did not ask her to do so. It seemed to her that she knew better what her family really wanted. She solved their problems and took upon herself all the troubles of running the household. Her such care was burdensome for those around her, they were burdened by her. The children tried to leave her care, but Tatyana was only offended by this, and she felt unnecessary. And for Tatyana, close relationships with children were very important, she always delved into all their affairs, gave all sorts of advice, suggested how to do the right thing, persistently advised which institute to choose and with whom to be friends. Tatyana did not see that she was strangling the children with such overprotection. As a result, the daughter began to often disappear from home, got involved with bad company, the son began to be rude, and did not care about his mother. Tatyana, of course, suffered greatly from all this and did not understand why everything was happening this way. Money was difficult at times in the family, but Tatyana could not refuse her daughter new boots, blouses, and cosmetics. And when her daughter had friends with a higher standard of living, she began to steal in order to try to fit in with them. The son, seeing that his sister was receiving much more attention, became rude and impudent, and thus tried to compensate for the lack of attention and communication. In the course of our work, Tatyana began to realize that her children were like a continuation of her, she dissolved in them, and As a result, the children moved away from her. Their relationship turned out to be unstructured, without hierarchy. There were no household responsibilities for children. In fact, they were absolutely not responsible for anything. As a rule, codependency occurs in so-called dysfunctional families. In such families, the illusion of well-being is maintained, problems are denied, relationships are conflictual or “armed neutrality” is maintained, the authority of an adult is indisputable, and the child is treated as an adult’s property, when the child’s independence is his stubbornness, which must be broken; everyone hides behind external prosperity and carefully hides their skeletons in the closet. A person who grew up in such a relationship will unconsciously look for appropriate partners and build his family according to the same principle. Codependency is not always evil. From birth, a child is dependent on his mother and this helps him survive both physically and psychologically. But by the age of one year, when the child gets on his feet, he begins to separate from her and tries to do everything himself. And parents, in turn, distance themselves from the child and focus more on themselves, their relationships, and careers. If this separation processoccurs normally, then at about 3 years of age the child moves to the independence stage, when he can act autonomously. This is his second birth. Birth is psychological. To do this, it is necessary that parents perceive their child as he is, encourage the child to express his feelings and emotions, provide him with support, directly formulate their prohibitions and explain the reasons for such prohibitions, and not resort to forceful methods. Parents need to be an example for their child. We need to learn ourselves and teach our children to accept their positive and negative sides and take responsibility for their behavior. But, unfortunately, more often our children hear from us - don’t cry, you’re not a girl, let’s finish it quickly, girls don’t behave like that, as I said, so it will be, I’m tired of it, leave me alone, don’t run or jump, etc. d. Every parent, I think, knows their own repertoire. In the process of development, a child goes through different stages that have their own tasks. If some task was not solved at the appropriate age, then it will remain in subsequent years, and will strive for completion at every opportunity, in any similar situation. Life will give a person the same lesson over and over again until he finally learns it. Capable students move on to the next grade, especially careless ones get stuck at one level for many years and then complain about fate, others, failure, refusing to see the source of their problems in themselves. Those who have successfully resolved issues of separation do not depend on other people or things. They have a good opinion of themselves, regardless of the opinions of others, they easily ask if they need help, they know how to build close and trusting relationships without being chained to the object of the relationship, and they know how to break up if this happens. Knowledge about the causes of their problems will help a person complete the stages of development faster and more efficiently. Gradually, Tatyana discovered that her relationships with others were dependent. It was very difficult for her to accept this and at first she wanted me to help somehow change her family “for the better.” However, it is clear that the therapist cannot change anyone; he has the wrong tasks. There is only one way - to realize your dependence and gradually overcome it. We learn codependency from our parents, who in turn from their parents. Unfortunately, in our post-Soviet culture, many simply do not know how to teach children independence, others do not want to let their children go because of their need to be attached to someone. Tatyana realized that she rated herself low. She was very dependent on the opinions of others and their assessments. It turned out that deep down she considered herself unworthy and, without the approval of others, it was very difficult for her to maintain a positive attitude towards herself. She had a highly developed sense of guilt; it was difficult for her to spend money on herself, on her interests. To her, it seemed like a waste of money. Codependent people, as a rule, try to control the behavior of another person and try to control all aspects of the lives of their loved ones. They know how their family members should behave, how events should develop. They are afraid to allow themselves and others to be themselves and to let events develop in an arbitrary way. However, it is impossible to always keep everything under control; a person feels defeated, his guilt complex intensifies, and depression begins to develop on this basis. Therefore, codependents are susceptible to depression. Other people are necessary for such people to feel psychologically complete. A person feels that something is missing in him and is looking for a soul mate in order to create one complete personality with her. Such relationships can be very strong, since each works for the other as a kind of crutch, without which he will lose his balance and fall. On the one hand, such relationships help to realize oneself, but on the other hand, it interferes with the development of individuals. Sooner or later, one of the partners matures psychologically and begins.