Pattern: “Must! Must!” Is it necessary? Author: clinical psychologist, Oksana Nikolaevna Litvinova “I don’t want such a word, I need such a word!” I often heard these words from my mother when I was little and not so little anymore. They raised them that way, then they raised us that way. Remember? "Good girls don't do that!" "A girl should be kind!" "Boys don't cry!" "I am ashamed of you!" “Look, everyone is looking at you! Shame on you!” "You must always listen to me!" All these are “levers” of influence through which the parent controls and manipulates the child. I think that each of us in childhood had our own list of how you should and should not behave, which over time turned into a set of strict rules. Let's call it: 1. Code, part 1. I must. 2. Code, part 2. They must. And now you are already an adult, and you live within the framework of this Code, all your actions are limited by a set of strict rules. And they, as you know, are unshakable, 100% true and not subject to discussion. Any deviation from them is unacceptable and is punishable by guilt, shame, fear, anger, and anxiety. Remember how often others irritate you with their actions, behavior, and conversations. How often do you get offended by someone who, in your opinion, treats you unfairly and does not appreciate what you have done for them? How often do you become aggressive and try to force others to do what you think is right? One lady, let's call her Tatyana, believed that her husband should invite her to the theater, cinema and exhibitions, dress fashionably, study foreign languages, eat less meat and pasta, and more vegetable salads and fruits. - I don’t understand how he can’t be interested in it, it doesn’t taste good and he doesn’t like it? Every person should develop their brains, personality and take care of healthy eating! What kind of development can we talk about if he spends all his time at work, and weekends on the couch, his favorite dish is pasta, and his entertainment is a fishing trip every six months with lazy men like himself! And when he spent the next weekend at home, she became irritated, offended, angry and accused her husband of laziness, inertia, lack of support, care and love for her. But Tatyana herself suffers most from her obligation, because her life is a continuous “I must!” - I must be an ideal wife, mother, housewife, friend, accountant. - I must remain calm in any life situation. - I must overcome any difficulties. - I have to work hard to allow myself to rest. - I should always help people. - I have to find a way out of any situation. - I must always be calm. - I should be happy. - I have to know everything. - I must be confident in myself. - I have to control my feelings. - I must remain completely calm. - I must love people. - I must get married once and for all. - I must love my parents. - I have to eat right. - I have to engage in self-development. - I have to keep up with the times in everything. - I must... If the words ring in your head: must, must, must, should, then the pattern of “obligatory must” has power over you. The harsher these words sound, the more you limit yourself and others. What can you do with all these shoulds and shoulds? - First of all, ask yourself the question: owe it to whom? And for what? - Understand and accept the fact that there are exceptions to any rules. - Each of us has our own values. - That the values ​​of another person are no less, if not more valuable, than yours. - That the values ​​of different people cannot be compared with each other. - You cannot be sure that your values ​​are completely shared by other people, even if they are very close to you, because these people are not you yourself. - You have the right to your opinion, the other person has the right to