From the author: Clients often ask psychologists such questions, which are direct and naive. And the psychologist already feels the tension, the paradox: how to answer without answering? Don't blame, don't give advice. And this seems to be what our client is waiting for. The article was published on the website on 01/25/10. Question from N.G. Chernyshevsky: “Len, an intimate question. it’s overdue - “who is to blame? and what should we actually do about it????” Answers psychologist, gestalt therapist, Elena Sotnichenko: Dear Nikolai Gavrilovich! As a psychologist, I often hear similar questions from my clients and look for answers together with them. The brevity of the question - The sister of your talent, today will help us summarize knowledge, experience and feelings... On the issue of guilt, society offers a large number of solutions - it even has a scale of punishments for what someone is guilty of. Repentance, gifts and donations, fines, punishment by isolation from society, etc., give us the opportunity to both atone for our guilt and cleanse ourselves of this feeling. Of course, I would like to clarify what exactly WHO is to blame for, but there is an assumption that guilt maybe “for nothing”, “for everything”, or in such a volume that you no longer understand why. And then it is not guilt, but shame. We often confuse guilt with shame. Unlike guilt, shame is not associated with a specific action. And the main message from the environment that a person experiencing shame receives is - you are a wrong person, we refuse to accept and love you for who you are. There is a lot of shame, often unconscious, in people whose parents devalued and condemned the child for misdeeds and pranks, and not his specific actions. If you tell a child that what you did now is bad! – he has a chance to improve. And then we are dealing with guilt that can be expiated. Those. You can separate the most disgusting offense from yourself, apologize for the mistake, correct it and move on with your life with a feeling of your goodness. And if your mother said: “You did something wrong, you are bad - your quality as a person is bad,” how to survive this? Then shame becomes a background experience, and all life events are retouched under the sign “it’s not going well.” And then a feeling of inferiority, guilt for everything and everyone arises. When there is an unbearable amount of guilt and shame, you want to shift it onto someone else, blame, shame, find someone to blame, share your guilt with others. So, parents, overwhelmed with their guilt and shame, find their child to blame... And these parents also had their own, no less guilty parents and educators... In psychological work with feelings of guilt, it is important to identify the “blame person”, in front of whom you are , actually, is to blame? What? In other words, understand who wants, expects, and does not receive what from you (good for him). The second option is someone who didn’t expect to receive something (bad in his understanding) from you, which he actually received. Then you can agree with the opinion of this blamer and behave differently or remain with your opinion and behavior. That is, if you directly translate grandmother’s phrase “It’s a shame to offend little ones,” it will turn out “I didn’t expect that you would offend him, and I would like you not to do this again.” Next, it’s your free choice whether to agree with your grandmother or not. If not, there is a high probability that the grandmother will continue the manipulation. This is her way of control. Parents unwittingly use guilt as a means of influencing their children. They tell the child that if he doesn't do this, they will be very upset. Their weapons are phrases like “what will the neighbors think?”, “You’re a disgrace to us!”, “You’re disappointing us!”, “You could do better!”, “Where are your manners?” Naturally, children learn to understand manipulation, as well as create it: blame, shame, reproach. Judging by the question, “Who is to blame?” The author, Nikolai Gavrilovich, feels a lot of guilt, but in the question “What to do?” the image of the Victim is already emerging: “I’m to blame, please punish me, maybe this will somehow reduce my difficult feelings.” The other side of the Victim, the Tyrant, will say differently: “I can’t bear to bear my guilt, let’s find the culprit and punish him, so that I can feel better again.”.