Codependency is no less a terrible condition than addiction. Relatives literally fall into physical and emotional captivity. They don't have their own life, their own time. They get involved in the dependent-codependent game, complicating their lives and not giving the sick person the opportunity to fight addiction. Knowing how to defend your boundaries and not get involved in addiction is important for maintaining mental health. What to do if your loved ones suffer from addiction, and Do you become an unwitting participant in a game from which there is practically no way out? It is necessary to abandon previous patterns of behavior. You understand that your past or present actions do not produce results. The addict continues to drink alcohol, illicit substances, gamble, or perform other activities. You feel sorry for him, try to help, take care of him when he feels bad. At the same time, you can break down, scream, cry, ask to quit. The worst thing is that there is a high risk of becoming addicted yourself. It is not easy to give up your previous behavior. You are accustomed to unconsciously acting in a certain way, perhaps thinking that it will be better, more correct. However, notice that nothing changes. The addict lives for his own pleasure, and your physical and psychological condition worsens. So, what to do to defend your boundaries? Understand how you are being manipulated The addict uses various manipulation traps to force you to act the way he needs. For example, he says how bad he feels, that today is the last time and he will quit, he just needs to improve his health, that no one loves him and he is so unhappy, etc. An addict can also use the threat of physical violence. It puts pressure on feelings of guilt and duty, so the codependent experiences difficulties when it is necessary to refuse rather than fulfill the requests of the first. Two subpersonalities of the dependent It is important to be able to distinguish the state in which the dependent is. If the healthy part of the personality strives to correct the situation, it is worthy of love, respect and support, then the dependent part of the personality is not worthy of good attitude and love. Codependents often direct their attention specifically to the sick part of the personality, maintaining its condition. Meanwhile, it is necessary to maintain a healthy subpersonality. The healthy part of the personality is aware of the presence of addiction and the need for treatment. The sick part of the personality denies the problem. To build personal boundaries with the addict, turn only to the healthy part of his personality, that is, when he is able to realize what is happening. Set your own priorities You don't have to live the life of an addict. You have your own priorities. What do you want from life? Where do you see yourself? What is important to you? Think, if the center of your life is an addict, this is an alarming sign, because everything else has faded into the background. Decide what is important to you: live exclusively the life of another person, indulging his addiction, or separate from him, setting your own life priorities. Return responsibility to the addict. Think about this. The addict has completely abdicated responsibility for his actions. You have become his guardian, his assistant, a person who supports his addiction. Give the addict back the opportunity to be responsible for his own life. You cannot, and should not, control it. Now he decides for himself how to manage his life, health, and finances. The family will have to stop constantly saving the addict so that he understands that he himself must be responsible for the consequences of his actions and mistakes made. To do this, you need to separate from the person first emotionally. This doesn't mean you stop loving him. This means that you recognize him as an independent person, endowed with responsibility for his actions, thoughts, emotions. If you feel that your life, work, health, emotional state is suffering from the actions of an addict, return responsibility to him and take responsibility for your own actions. You should also stop covering upactions of the addict. Let him be responsible for his actions, feel shame in front of friends, relatives and colleagues. Stop controlling the addict all the time. It seems to you that you are the only one who is able to control the actions of the addict. However, it is not. In fact, you do not control anything, but only play a role-playing game: Rescuer-Victim-Aggressor. By trying to control the actions of another person, you do not get out of the triangle of destructive relationships, but feed it. How to stop controlling? Understand that you and the dependent - two separate individuals. You control only your actions, he controls his. Don’t be afraid to let go of control over the situation - everyone is responsible for their own actions and pays for them. It is necessary to get rid of the role of “mom”, the Rescuer, and stop feeling like a Victim. Start thinking about your life, your needs. Stop paying constant and excessive attention to the life of the addict. Think about what you would like, what is important to you, what you would like to do if your thoughts and efforts were not directed towards the addict. Mind your own business, make time for what you want or what is important to you. Give the addict the opportunity to do what he wants. Yes, you will probably think: I will let go of control, the person will return to his addiction. But this is his right, his life, his responsibility. Stop being a Rescuer or a Victim. Make time for yourself. Loving YourselfCodependents direct their love towards others. It is important for them to take care of loved ones, no matter how much pain and suffering they cause. And codependents completely forget about self-love, but it is directly related to mental health. Learn to appreciate, respect and love yourself. Instead of thinking about how to create comfort for an addict, think about what you should do for yourself to improve the quality of your life. Take care of yourself, and not just others. Self-love allows you to separate from another person, and, if necessary, choose to live separately and even limit contacts. Set an example of how to do it. You cease to be a guardian and assistant to an addict. You develop your own interests: hobbies, work. You live life to the fullest. The addict sees how good it can be when you get rid of a bad habit. He sees that there is no one to take care of him, and his manipulations do not work. For example, the wife of an alcoholic builds a career, plays sports, meets with friends, and finds herself in creativity. By personal example, she shows that there is another, more joyful and happy life, where there is no addiction. It is likely that, inspired by the example, a loved one will decide that it is time to start changing their life for the better. When you begin to live your own life, you may suddenly realize that you can literally breathe easier. And even if you decide to break up, it will be your conscious choice. WHAT TO DO IF YOU CAN’T BUILD PERSONAL BOUNDARIES? First of all, consult a psychologist. A specialist will help you see your relationship from the other side, understand what roles you play and how they affect your psychological state. In many cases, the only right decision is divorce. Leaving is difficult, especially when you are emotionally attached to a person. But think about it - is this really love or is it still toxic emotional dependence? Why can't we leave? It seems to us that the person will be lost without us, or we think that we truly love him. This also adds a feeling of guilt. However, this is an illusion. Even if an individual chooses the path of an addict, it is not your responsibility, but his. You may not want to deprive your children of contact with their father (or mother). But in this case, limiting communication may be the right decision, because you are protecting children from harmful influences and living in constant stress. Divorce is a drastic measure. You can try separation first. Explain to the person why you made this decision and under what conditions you are ready to return. Divorce or separation