From the author: “Shootouts” on the border of the relationship between mother and adult daughter are surprisingly similar in their inner essence, despite the variety of plots and reasons. Mutual misunderstanding, mutual attempts to assert one’s own rightness, mutual indignation on the topic “How can she behave like this, is this normal?” “How can you even understand this?” “At such moments it seems to me that I hate her!” Typical examples from different women, seemingly different, but similar: 1. A daughter leaves her allergic child with her grandmother (her mother). The grandmother, in the presence of the child, cleans the apartment. According to the daughter (the child’s mother), this is wrong, since during cleaning, dust rises into the air, which the child breathes. Dialogue of “mutual aliens”: - “Couldn’t you have chosen another time for cleaning?” - “What’s so special that I did?” The daughter’s indignation is caused not so much by the act itself, but by the mother’s confidence that “nothing nothing special happened.” As a rule, neither one nor the other manages to explain their motives, and, in general, this is not a conscious goal.2. A daughter living in a large city comes to visit her mom and dad in the town where she grew up. (However, in a similar case, parents come to visit their daughter). The daughter is unable to contain and experience her irritation with her mother’s behavior: she constantly screams from room to room, walks around the house in shorts and a bra, saying “but it’s comfortable for me,” and secretly from her father asks her daughter for money for repairs. The daughter, who over the past ten years has managed to become accustomed to other norms of the hostel, is indignant: “What, you can’t come closer and say without screaming?” "Why don't you dress so that other people will like you to look at you?" “Why don’t you talk to dad about this?” In response, mom gets offended: “You don’t respect your mother, what did I do to you, why do you do this to me, why don’t you love me so much?” The daughter remains at a dead end, not knowing how to answer, hiding her irritation. In another scenario, the answer develops into a mutual scandal. A girl comes to a psychologist with questions: what to do, how to communicate, something is wrong with me, why am I so annoyed with my parents.3. A woman and her husband built a spacious country house and invited their mother there. They thus began to spend weekends “together.” Mom constantly points out to her adult daughter that something is wrong in her kitchen, something is missing, and literally puts things in order in the kitchen and living room. Although mom is given her own room, she constantly walks back and forth throughout the house, “like an auditor.” A woman and her husband bought a New Year tree. Naturally, to your taste. Mom says: “The tree is too low!” The daughter answers: normal, that’s what they wanted, I like that. We set up a Christmas tree in the living room, went out for a couple of hours to run errands, and returned - the tree had already been placed on a stool. The daughter’s indignation was so great that “I wanted to break the Christmas tree over my knee.” From such actions of the mother, the daughter feels disrespect for herself, for her personality, and this is indignant. However, rationally, she understands that her mother is already 70, and she could have given in without causing a scandal. But you want to somehow control your life, including in the matter of the length of the Christmas tree... A way out? The offer to buy mom her own Christmas tree of the length she needs makes mom feel offended, almost to the point of tears: “Why do I need my own Christmas tree, I’m trying for you! I want it to be better for everyone!”, after which the proud old mother goes away in silence to herself, and the daughter, a successful 40-year-old businesswoman, feels guilty, but cannot understand what she is to blame for. When the indignation cools down a little, a daughter often becomes ashamed of her attitude towards her elderly mother, of her treatment of her, but she is repeatedly convinced that she is unable to change anything. In the case of elderly mothers, an adult daughter often says: I understand what’s wrong with her It’s been a long time, and I want to let her go in peace, so that she can die calmly, without resentment towards me, without thinking that I don’t love her.” However, this thought is not enough to change…