From the author: Mom, why are you crying? - my little son Yaroslav asks me. “He left me?” “But if he left you, it means he doesn’t love you, and why cry then, it’s good that he left. HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR HUSBAND IN JOY AND CONSISTENCY.” And they played. wedding I was there, honey, drank beer - it flowed down my mustache, but it didn’t get into my mouth”... All Russian folk tales end at a wedding and everyday life begins... Sit up straight, don’t slouch, look around - this world is for you, and you need to live Fine. With whom? - With husband. Why? So that there is something to remember in the headman! Old age is greeted from a young age. How much you talk to each other, how much you find out, this will carry over into old age as baggage. If you did not break up until old age (old age begins when you are afraid to look in the mirror), but lived, got out, endured, then now you need to live together joyfully. Grandfather and grandmother are a symbol of family, grandmother's pies are priceless, grandfather's advice is a storehouse of life experience. Who will bring you water when you are old? Your loved one! “They lived happily ever after and died on the same day.” Our neighbors in the dacha were a married couple, she was waiting for him from the war, and in 1945 he returned alive and dearly. Children, grandchildren, household. When his wife died first, the grandfather “dried up”: “How can I live without my Mashenka?” “Yes, he drank, beat, walked,” you say. Well, you didn’t run away, didn’t fly away, didn’t elude the tyrant, but stayed? Now live. There is no need to enjoy bad memories. Take a family album. What, nothing was good? Write down your happy moments on a piece of paper, even if it’s just one entry, this is enough to say thank you and live in old age as good old friends. I often see adults who live, letting into their world emotions of irritation and dissatisfaction with each other. Old people, like no one else, know how quickly the days pass! In old age you need to live with great love and gratitude to each other, I can’t. Take it, write down what you can’t forget, it hurts to remember, it’s offensive. Burn this leaf, drink some tea and forget about it! “Whoever remembers the old is out of sight.” All these persuasions are familiar to us, but in eastern countries, where the family culture is unshakable, they will not even understand us. There the woman is already happy because she has a husband! She was taught to live and think correctly from childhood. And her husband was brought up with deep respect for his mother and father, for his family. In the East they love children and respect the elderly. The presence of nursing homes and boarding schools in our country is already evidence that we urgently need to start living with respect and honor for each other. Be proud of your history! Your culture! His family! Look, an eastern man is God in his family, he is surrounded by respect and veneration for his wife. He sweeps the street, builds roads, earns money, and his family bows to him for this. And here's an example. I’m sitting in a Moscow cafe with a well-groomed man, he has everything (“everything” means “I can buy... an island, please”), but there is no peace in the family. The wife makes scandals. “Tell my wife how to live,” he asked me jokingly. We had a conversation about publishing a book, and I didn’t take this request seriously. A year later, I read on the Internet about his suicide; my guess was family problems. Scary?! A wise wife means harmony in the house (proverb). Today, marriage is mainly a struggle between lists of claims. “You must... You must! You must fulfill my requests... Bring me everything...” Dissatisfaction with the husband and aggression develop into a lack of sexual attraction to him and her. Alcohol comes to the rescue......And that’s it. And the century did not stop. What a miracle this is - Man! What an abomination this is - man (from the poem by Robert Rozhdestvensky “They killed a guy for living well”) Read this excerpt from Chatsky’s last monologue “Woe from Wit” by A. S. Griboyedov and see, maybe , and your husband will soon be driven to the extreme. Do you mean to say that you are already yourself? I have listened to all these words about our independence many times - there is no sense in this slander. I don’t come to my senses... I’m guilty, And I listen, I don’t understand, As if they still want to explain to me, Confused by thoughts... of somethingI'm waiting. Blind! In whom I was looking for the reward of all my labors! I was in a hurry!.. flying! trembled! Here is happiness, I thought, close. Before whom I davich so passionately and so lowly Was a waste of tender words! And you! Oh my God! Who did you choose for yourself? When I think about who you preferred! Why did you lure me with hope? Why didn’t you tell me directly that you turned everything that happened into laughter?! That the memory even disgusted you Those feelings, in both of us the movements of the hearts of those That are not far away in me did not cool me down, Neither entertainment, nor a change of place. I breathed and lived with them, was constantly busy! They would have told you that my sudden arrival, My appearance, my words, my actions - everything was disgusting - I would have immediately cut off relations with you, And before parting forever, you wouldn’t really bother to find out, Who is this dear person to you? -boy, husband-servant, one of his wife's pages - The high ideal of all Moscow husbands. - Enough!.. with you I am proud of my breakup. And you, sir father, you, passionate about ranks: I wish you to slumber in happy ignorance, I do not threaten you with my match. He is equal to his future father-in-law. So! I was completely sobered up, Dreams out of sight - and the veil fell; Now it wouldn’t be bad to do it all at once On the daughter and on the father, And on the foolish lover, And on the whole world to pour out all the bile and all the annoyance. Who were you with! Where fate has taken me! Everyone is chasing me! Everyone curses! A crowd of tormentors, In the love of traitors, in tireless enmity, Indomitable storytellers, Clumsy wise men, crafty simpletons, Sinister old women, old men, Decrepit over inventions, nonsense, - You have glorified me as a madman with the whole chorus. You are right: he will come out of the fire unharmed, Whoever with He will have time to spend a day with you, breathe the air alone, and his sanity will survive. Get out of Moscow! I’m not going here anymore. I’m running, I won’t look back, I’ll go looking around the world, Where there is a corner for an offended feeling!.. A carriage for me, a carriage! I ran away and well done! Otherwise, he would have turned into something so masculine running errands. A smart woman knows the magic phrase: “Yes, dear!” As you say, darling! Tell your men today, son, father, husband, “Can I consult with you,” “As you say,” “You’re right,” “I’m on your side.” With this phrase you need to begin your response to any request, to any proposal from your husband, and then you can express your opinion, in a consultative manner. Please, do not say: “But my husband, he may not be doing anything, he’s sitting on my neck... “Leave your husband alone (otherwise you will soon look like the woman from the cartoon “How a woman forced a man to hatch eggs”), take care of yourself! With a wise wife, the husband becomes different. Please don't persist, I can't do it alone! Let's get together! In my hands I have “Avar Toasts” by the national poet of Dagestan Fazu Aliyeva. Each line contains wisdom, dignity of speech, advice and rules of conduct in the family. A woman teaches us, women, to be wise! For wives who guard our authority! When a wife is a good wife, Believe me, a husband cannot and does not have a better friend than her. Whipped by the winds of life more than once, A married man himself is no longer a groom .I believe that the opinion about us still does not depend on us, but on them. The mountaineers have a parable: A handsome guy lived, But he was poor, And the rich people of the village often laughed at his poverty. But then the Beauty from this village saw him and somehow took pity on him. And she announced to all his fellow villagers that she would make him in their village, not a poor man, but the first person. The mother burst into tears: “Oh, why do we need a fool for a son-in-law?!” The father shouts: “You come to your senses, daughter!” But the girl managed to calm down her Parents and married this handsome poor man, this handsome Akhmet. And it happened like this: Akhmed goes to her godekan - she runs in front and carries a chair and a soft pillow... She comes to the godekan, prepares everything and says: “Sit here, Akhmed!” And as it happened, suddenly in the village they would have a difficulty or some question and people would ask her for advice - She tells them: “Not from me, no, no, But you need to take advice from Akhmed. Ask Ahmed. My Ahmed The wise man will be able to give an answer to everything.” Well, people see how his wife and opinion value and value him, - From those days andThey themselves began to respect Once a poor guy - Akhmed. Now, when they went to meet him, The villagers were the first to raise their hands, And those of the same age gave up their place, When he came up for something... My toast to the wives, - Not only at this hour For us - the lovely ones , dear, dear! For them to appreciate us And raise us in the eyes of others! Every woman has all the best in nature. After all, a woman is the most beautiful thing that can happen in a man’s life! Just let it not be an “incident”, but a happy event! A man and a woman... Their parents give them different parting words in life. A man is being prepared to go on a journey, a girl is being prepared to go to someone else’s house. Agree that such parting words from parents to their son will sound absurd: “Listen to your wife, work, run to the store.” The son needs to become independent, he was sent on a journey... If you meet an older one, give way to him. ***Happy journey, son! Not on the doorstep They give a man a price, But on the road. ***Go and open those doors, Where everything will be forgiven you, Where they are waiting for you and believe. ***And finally, my last piece of advice: You are not alone in the world, - Do not do for other people forever What you do not wish for yourself. What is the role of a girl, what parting words do her parents give her? For brothers - joy, Pride - for father, Girlfriend and helper - for mother. Let her know to the end All the secrets of everyday life. There are not so few of them. The girl is sent to her husband's house. You, daughter my, you are going to someone else’s house... And each house is a power in itself. There only one king has the right to be king - your husband, your chosen one. Don’t give in to even a small quarrel. A disagreement is sure to lead to trouble. Dissolve an insult like you do in water. A pinch of salt could dissolve it. But this girl became a famous poetess of Dagestan, and you are now reading her poems! Marriage is a woman’s calling, and if she is talented, hard-working, cheerful, and wise, then her husband is lucky! And the world will see new paintings, inventions, poems... In family culture, a husband is the most precious thing for a woman. His word is the law. You merge with your husband - plunging friend And devoted husband's wife. But, like a soldier, no, no, look around - aren't you too surrounded. Make pills for us women. I would drink this and that’s it... Immediately feminine, beautiful, healthy, wise, you know your calling, you know how to be harmonious, you want to live in family well-being, you respect a man. Lovely to watch! An officer's wife is also a rank, only without shoulder straps. I remember the evening in Sevastopol - a holiday. Officers in white uniforms with their families walk along the snow-white embankment. It’s dark, the lights on the ships and fireworks are shining on the sea... Let this fireworks be in honor of devoted wives! Love is not when they look into each other’s eyes, it’s when they look in one direction. Let this love become a habit. You had a fight. They say: “Shout, shout louder - and soon there will be no one to shout at!” Here's another sign: if your husband reads the newspaper, watches TV, constantly lies on the sofa, it means... he feels good with you, but you get upset. Swearing is harmful! A stomach ulcer may appear. I'll tell you this story. He and she were having dinner, and a scandal broke out instantly. They often argued, and with each scandal and quarrel one match in the box of happiness burned out. Today they have the last match left... If you meet them before me, warn them about it. Or here’s some advice: Your loved one nevertheless decided to burn, incinerate the treasured match, and you told him in the words of Anna Akhmatova: Why are you wandering around restless, Why are you looking like you’re not breathing? That's right, I understand: one soul is tightly welded together. You will be, you will be comforted by me, as no one has ever dreamed of, And if you offend me with a mad word, it will hurt you yourself. There are many recipes, but you can turn to “living water”: Olga Oleinikova The leaves have fallen and rustle underfoot. The sun no longer bakes, it only warms slightly. Our quarrels are rare. But the wall between us grows itself, high to the skies. The skies are cold. They are supposed to turn intensely gray in the fall, choked with rain. We are increasingly silent. We don’t ask each other for anything at all. So what are we waiting for? My beloved, we should not be afraid of neither fate, which guards the door with a stick, nor the slander of chimeras, which interpret empty things, nor the trials of everyday life and rough worries. We will overcome everything. AllWe will cover the costs with boundless tenderness, full of love. We will build our castle from grains of hope. Just call me for living water. We urgently need to wash ourselves with living water! Drink water from the holy spring! Let the holy water of hope help us preserve love. And it also happens... Jealousy eats away joy life. A husband’s jealousy is weakness, a woman’s jealousy is enterprise. Are you jealous? Then look in the mirror and say like Freken Bok from the cartoon “Baby and Carlson”: “Well, why am I worse?” Comb your hair, dress up, be more gentle, why give up “yours”... Who knows? Happens to everyone! You will soon read the ten laws of wives and tell me which law you violated. What for? Divorce will not save the situation! Better learn to live together. A woman came for a consultation and, all in tears, handed me a ticket to a movie that she had not been to. She pulled the ticket out of her husband’s jacket pocket. (Searched means.) - He changed, began to avoid me. He doesn’t want to talk to me. – How do you talk? You're probably screaming. - Yes. - And you put the ticket back. Stop wailing. Is he made of iron? Any man will run away from a nagging wife who humiliates him. Are you going to release him? Give it to good hands? As soon as he puts one foot over the threshold, an intelligent, affectionate, kind, well-groomed woman will immediately take him away. Will you give it back? - No. - Then put yourself in order. Talk gently, kindly, and don’t rummage through your pockets. If he finds out, there will be no shame. Absolutely don’t remember the past, don’t you have anything to talk about? And yet, if your husband suddenly has a mistress “out of nowhere,” then you are no longer a wife, but also a wise, cunning mistress. On the other side of the barricades, she doesn’t throw scandals at him, doesn’t scream, she pouts her lips slyly, chirps gently, and here you are straining yourself! I was told about an incident. The husband leaves his wife for his mistress and says, stopping at the door: “Understand, Olya, Natasha is crying, she’s in pain.” (He left Natasha a little later, leaving her with two children. But he lives with Marusechka, carries him in his arms, and she talks to him with such a gentle voice.) Male cynicism? We are not convening a jury, it’s simple... Behave like a wife, like a true woman. How? I talked about this at the beginning of the book. Let's continue the conversation. You shouldn't give in to your husband out of stupidity or jealousy. It is undesirable to wash your dirty laundry in public, and even tell your friends. Well, I don’t argue, female friendship exists in the world... A true friend will say: “Go to your husband, decide for yourself. He is yours, he loves you." And another will already take a closer look at the peasant, or maybe she will simply easily say: “Get a divorce, why do you need him?” It's simple: the dear ones scold - they just amuse themselves. Jealousy and betrayal are not grounds for divorce. First understand the reasons.Situation. The husband looked at his jealous wife out of nowhere and told her: “You are learning to live with me... Learn to trust me.” One wife says about her husband: “No matter what he says, I believe him, I like it myself.” They are jealous not when they love, but when they want to be loved. Be careful with divorce, there is no need to rush. To the delight of your enemies, have you decided to get a divorce? The mortar is gone and the broom is thrown - you are so brave, you are not afraid of anything and you can so easily and freely say: “Farewell”? So now your love is in the thirtieth kingdom of Kashchei the Immortal? Well, in vain. Reconciliation is a very courageous step. Good people came up with the swing of reconciliation[1]. If you decide to get a divorce, go and swing together. It is impossible for one to swing only backwards, and for the other forward. Sit, talk, dangle your legs. If you decide to sort things out with your husband, don’t scream, it’s better to cry. If tragedy cannot be avoided, then it is advisable to save money for travel. After the divorce, I write out a recipe: “Travel” - only changing pictures will help you survive this “amputation”, because after all, you have settled down, merged into one whole, even if microbes of discord have appeared in it. One woman, after her husband left, an echo appeared in her apartment , not because he took out all the things - everything remained in place - but the owner simply left. On the very first day the pipes burst,The sauna broke down and a painting fell. She sat down alone in the room and began to talk to the house, to explain herself. Gradually everything calmed down. You don't believe in such nonsense? The reason for the cataclysm in the house is due to old plumbing? Okay, imagine that this is not reality, but an instructive fairy tale. Live together according to the rules, and everything will work out. Start with yourself, and if you can’t bear it... Just without insults, claims, insults and scandals! Honestly, look kindly into each other's eyes. Divorce is a trauma, for both of you, for children, if you have them. It happens in a person’s history that his wife is ideal, but her husband suddenly has “geese flying” or “the roof has blown off.” He decided to start life differently, only he knows how. Catch these “geese” and “roofs” with a net. You shouldn’t break up and quarrel over your husband’s “adolescence.” I’ve been counseling women and men on family issues for ten years now, and out of nowhere this conclusion emerged: live under one roof honestly, with respect and love. Don't want to live? All the whims, screams, screams - on neutral territory, perhaps in the forest. The main mistake of women and men when sorting out relationships is the thrown phrase: “Yes, I live with you for the sake of the children!” You better love each other “for the sake of the children,” and don’t throw yourself around so offensively. A broken pot can be glued back together, but then... divorce... The guilt of divorce is in half. Of course, then the wound will heal, everything will fall into place. And perhaps you will meet your half, or perhaps you have already lost half. It's up to you to decide... Live right right away, choose the right man right away. There is still time... “The wick hasn’t burned out yet.” [2]. Olga Oleinikova She was waiting. How she waited! She didn’t part with the phone for a moment. She would have given everything, If only it would come to life with a ringing sound. Well, does love have such boundaries? And if you know the rules, its laws, It will be possible to learn To love calmly, not to suffer? Where they love us, they are waiting there, there is a home. Come on, the magic door, open! Only the heart decides! And there is only one rule: Hurry to love and don’t be afraid of anything. We always look forward to meeting our loved one, and here’s the joy - everything worked out. A wedding, noisy guests, the gentle charm of the bride’s smile, the rustling of a skirt, a stolen shoe. This is the beginning of a new life, where everything is for a reason. But as? With love and respect, with desire and care, together through life, shoulder to shoulder, keep the family together for many years. Where to start a joint “household”? From the rules. Simple human rules - the speech law of the family. Often offended and abandoned people come to me for counseling. How? - Hope. Where did that love, that holiday go? Only sadness remains. The offended person says: “She told me this, I can’t forget...” Here is an example. In front of me is a woman who, with tears in her eyes, says: “He’s cheating on me, you understand, but I’m expecting a child!” I'm wondering where this information comes from. The wife, a sweet, beautiful woman, continues: “Yesterday I argued with him and shouted: “Confess, are you cheating?”” As a result, the husband, driven into a corner, having received a dose of insults, growls in rage: “Yes!” And here they are at the psychologist. Let's talk. We begin the process of revitalizing love. We discuss and create family rules. Now the young couple is already raising a son. Where is this rear of happiness and harmony? – The law of words in the family. What words do we say to our loved one? The word gives wings: “You are so good...”, or it can torment, “twist” the imagination: “Where have you been? My mother told me...” So, the most important thing is the rules, speech rules in the family. The first is the taboo on insults. With every evil word, the furniture, the walls, the bed - everything becomes alien and you want to say “Well, off to the road!” without your native Russian. run headlong from the “aggressor crocodiles.” But you stay, live, breathe, kiss, call by name. Do not Cry! He may get scared and run away. Have you decided to play silent? He will be very happy. Therefore, talk calmly. If it hurts, cry, but don't scream. One husband told his wife: “When you scream, you lose my trust.” Let's continue the conversation. The second rule of family verbal communication is simple: “This is how we do it!” Let’s say when one of the family members comes home: once -the greeter smiles, two greets and says: “Glad (glad) to see you.” And then - feed, drink, you can heat the bathhouse, and then ask: “How are you?” What does it mean to take care of each other? This means taking care of your good mood. So take care! So, insults - away, we meet and see off - respectfully and tenderly, with interest and attention. Here is a sad example: he or she came (came) home, only on the threshold, from the rain, one might say, he raised his eyes (raised) , and here are the words of a loved one: “Where were you (were)? Come on in!” Are you scared? Do you remember yourself? Or maybe I underestimate you, and you, on the contrary, will worthily emphasize: “This is not about us. We have only love." Honor and praise to you! Don’t forget that you need to talk and meet not in the next room, but get up, come over and kiss. Third rule. Let's say that a lot of omissions have accumulated: there is not enough money or he looked at it in the wrong way, or maybe at the wrong place. Anything can happen. It's time to sort things out. It's an explosion. I warn you: dangerous! Tears, screams. Stop! The main thing is to respectfully and firmly structure your actions, think about the words, what you want to receive. Will you get it? There was a wonderful case: the wife repeatedly asked to strengthen the shelf on the wall, but the husband kept forgetting. Instead of sorting things out, she loosened the nail on which the shelf hung, and the shelf became askew. The wife just threw up her hands in surprise, but the husband soon did everything. I would like to note: when you throw up your hands, you shouldn’t grumble: “I told you so, and here you go.” Life is beautiful and two people come to a psychologist when “there are no words,” when every sound is the pain of resentment and you can’t come to an agreement on your own. I assure you that everything can be solved and love can be saved. Or maybe you can start by drawing up the rules for your family yourself? So, away with rude words, create home rules of speech, be flexible and careful when sorting out relationships! Let's talk about men for a moment. And before that, what did we do? As if you don't know? Let's focus on an important topic? Thank you. The thesis is that getting married without tying yourself to anything is a betrayal. And I agree! So, before you go to the registry office, talk about what family means to him. Don't want to scare him in advance? Come what may. Your right. “Bachili vochi, what did you bathe? So just eat, at least climb out.” From Ukrainian: “The eyes saw what they chose. Now eat until he crawls out." There is a word for a man that sounds like an alarm bell - “henpecked.” Henpecked - when a man feels that he has nowhere to run, no strength, there is food, there is somewhere to sleep and there is no need for anything, to survive would...Henpecked is the nickname of a person who is not respected in the family. Henpecked is the end. How do women bring their man to this terrible word? Feather - they make comments all the time like “You bought the wrong thing”, “You put it in the wrong place”, “You why did you look there? Happening. A husband gives flowers to his wife, and in response there are two questions - one more interesting than the other: “What is this?” and “For what money?” The second shows unbridled concern: “Fasten the buttons!”, “Put on your slippers!” Diminutive names help a lot: baby, bunny, moose. Third, they criticize: “You eat ugly. Shut up!”, “Fat belly...”, “Dressed like a clown.” The man will either run away - we can consider him lucky - or he will stay and turn into a henpecked man, lethargic, tired, inert, or maybe he will begin to take revenge: go on a spree, take a walk, that is, “teach” your wife. The saddest thing is that when raising a son, a woman makes the same mistakes: she pokes, makes comments. Prepares him for the fact that in the future his son will painlessly accept the role of this henpecked one in his family (if he still has one, because such mothers are very protective, and sometimes I worry about their sons), and he will have a wife, your future daughter-in-law, similar to you. Scary? You need to stop bullying your child. He's a man. Little one!? I’m walking down the street, a mother and her son are ahead. She calls out to him all the way: “Little fox!” I wanted to know the little man's true name. Can you guess? Elisha! Our teachers also “try” to influence the upbringing of children. Does school instill valor in boys and femininity in girls? Yes I remember.