What I see is that adults rarely ask. But the absence of requests does not mean that they are not waiting for help. Someone does not address directly, but asks with their eyes and facial expression. Or body postures. Someone tells stories that touch the soul and make you want to help. Of course, the desire to help arises from any motives. But it’s a trap to assume that this is how it should be: I didn’t ask, but the person himself offered help. Help without asking is hidden from us - can we ask for help ourselves? We develop any qualities we like - patience, the ability to wait, humility. But not the ability to actively call for support. Such activity is stopped in different ways. For example, like this: “If I ask, the help will not be sincere. A sincere desire to help should arise on its own. And so it turns out that I force a person. And I want him to want it himself.” Or: only weak people, small children, ask. And I’m an adult and independent, which means I have to cope on my own. I also notice that when an adult needs another, he expresses this need in the words “I need support.” But the phrase “I need support” is another phrase that does not cast a shadow. To give it more meaning, you can try replacing it with “I need your help in...” In calming down. It's about finding a way out and understanding how to behave. The point is to discuss your doubts and get a clear picture of what is happening. I suggest conducting a small experiment. Think of a situation in which you needed support. Imagine a friend of yours opposite you, someone whose support you would like to receive. And now, as if telling him, say out loud the same thought, expressed in different ways: “I need you to support me in this situation.” - I need your support in this situation. - I need your help in this situation. - I would like you to help me in this situation. - Help me, please, in this situation. The same phrase can be repeated several times to feel how it responds to you, how your body reacts when you say these words. How you breathe, what parts of your body tense or relax. What thoughts come to mind after saying these phrases? A direct request carries the risk of refusal. Rejection hurts. To avoid getting hurt, people learn to be patient or find ways to express their requests indirectly. This is also called manipulation. When a person wants to get something, but does not say it in an obvious way. How to ask not to be refused? No way. The right of refusal is an important part of a relationship. Only in such a situation is sincerity, and therefore emotional intimacy, possible. Therefore, it is important to deal with your stability in moments when you refuse. Why does it become intolerable? Often, it's just a vicious circle. A person has endured for so long and did not ask that his strength is at zero, help is needed urgently, and if help is refused, this is perceived as a betrayal. Just like with hunger, as long as you feel a light appetite, you can choose your own food and cook it the way you want now. But when you are very hungry, you really want to eat at least something, the main thing is quickly. And if in such a state you came to the nearest store, and it turned out to be closed, then this causes anger, despair, and pain. Therefore, if you are wondering how to ask without being refused, think about it. Maybe the task is different. How not to bring yourself to such a deficit in which refusal turns out to be destructive? How to stop tolerating, stop seeing independence and maturity in this. Photo: Cig Harvey More on the topic: How understanding works against us and hides what is important I need support