“I’m 42 years old. I met a 53-year-old man on a dating site. We have been dating for more than six months, it seems to me that he is just comfortable with me. I more than like him. When we are together, I feel very comfortable with him. We only meet on weekends, but even then not always. (I clearly said at the beginning of the relationship that one-time meetings and the role of a lover do not interest me. I am looking for a serious relationship. He agreed). The problem is that he believes that the woman should take the initiative in a relationship. If I want to meet, then I have to say so. If we agreed on a meeting for tomorrow, and I don’t call the next day, there won’t be a meeting! If you come to him, then again I have to say it. I should text first. If I don’t write for a day, he will write the next day and ask why I didn’t write. And this destroys me! I need initiative from him. I discussed this issue with him. He doesn't understand me. Considers this situation normal. “You know how I feel about you. I'm a military man, I don't know how to care and be romantic. But you shouldn’t take it personally,” he says. When we are together, I feel his care, tenderness, attention. I feel like he likes me. He is a strong, strong-willed man, a former military man, who knows how to take initiative and make decisions. I explain to him that I have the feeling that I am running after him, trying to achieve him, and he allows this to happen! He doesn’t see this and doesn’t understand me, he thinks that I’m exaggerating. I’ve already raised this issue a couple of times, but nothing has changed. This is starting to irritate him. His children know about me. He is not afraid if I meet them and does not mind meeting my relatives. I guess I lack attention, confidence in him, in his feelings. He doesn't give me gifts or flowers. And I can't ask him to do that. I’m starting to think that he’s just comfortable with me, that he’s only interested in me as a woman who comes to him for the weekend, who doesn’t need to be spent on, who’s comfortable with her. Everyone has their own life and meets once a week. But this is not what I need! Probably, at 54 years old, there is no point in getting married for a man, but I want to live together, take care of him, love him. Maybe I'm wasting my time on a person who doesn't take me seriously, who only needs one-time meetings? Or do I only see what I want to see? I'm confused and don't know how to understand all this. They write everywhere that if a man needs a woman, he will find her, write her and come himself.” This is not the first time I’ve heard: “He’s just comfortable with me! I feel used!” In relationships between a man and a woman, there is often a feeling that the partner is simply using the other. Moreover, I want to tell you that not only women are susceptible to such thoughts. Men experience similar feelings no less with women. Attention is important for any woman. Everyone wants the man in a relationship to be active, strong, courageous, decisive, and most importantly self-confident. You know very well that other people cannot be changed. It is impossible to help others solve problems if you have exactly the same ones. Women, as a rule, want to help a man become brave and decisive, talk to them a lot, try to explain something. Some go even further, find out their man’s past, starting with from childhood to understand why he is like this and they try to be his psychotherapist, knowing exactly what he needs to improve on. If an indecisive man, unsure of himself, came into your life, have you ever wondered why this happened? A man comes into a woman’s life to reflect her inner world. Judging by the fact that a man’s attention and his initiative are so important to you, then you yourself are not confident in yourself. You write that you are not sure of his love and feelings, I would say differently, you are not sure that you can to love. It seems to you that a man is using you and is comfortable with you, you deep inside yourself do not believe that a man needs you. From my work experience, I am convinced that if a woman is in a relationship with a manthere is a feeling that a man is using her and is comfortable with her, then she is infected with pride. Pride is a mental illness that is associated with self-esteem and self-perception. On the one hand, a woman has a very inflated idea of ​​herself and therefore she needs “due to herself attitude,” on the other hand, she does not value herself, considers herself flawed and therefore unworthy of love. It is your complexes that do not allow you to be happy in a relationship. A man helps you understand yourself, explore your inner mechanisms and beliefs. Let's look at this issue differently. Of course, I want attention, but... Any attention, flowers, brightness in family life goes away after 1-2 years. What remains? What remains is a person with his character, with his qualities. And very often, when a relationship begins with a bright romantic period, after a few years or even months it ends in disappointment. Values ​​change with age, what was important at 20 years old loses its importance at 40 years old and value. Look at the root of the relationship. If you think that he is good, positive, caring when you are with him, ready to introduce you to children and relatives, then why do you doubt his feelings? Will a bouquet of flowers really be more proof than the desire to introduce you to your family? Of course, you want both bouquets and meeting your family, but in love, unfortunately, there is no sacrifice. It all depends on what you are willing to sacrifice. To your man , apparently, like you, you need to feel needed. He, like you, believes that if you have a desire to call and come to him, you will do it. And if not, then he doesn’t want to impose himself. He puts the initiative in the relationship in your hands - as you decide, so it will be. And in fact, the woman decides. If she needs a man, she wants to be with him, then she will not be embarrassed by the fact that the man does not call her. In her soul she is confident in herself and in her desire. Now I don’t want to go to the other extreme, when a woman really doesn’t notice that a man doesn’t want to be with her. You need to be able to distinguish where a painful need for attention destroys a relationship, and where the desire to be with a man closes a woman’s eyes to the lack of desire on the part of a man .Hypersensitivity in relationships to male attention destroys them. If you are infected with pride, then first of all you need to learn to ask sincerely. Tell him about your desire to receive flowers, sometimes for no reason, to hear his phone call, but do not focus on this, say it and forget it in your soul, stop waiting. Perhaps someday you will get what you want, but it will come to you only when you lose all hope of getting it and accept the person for who he is. Your man honestly told you that he doesn’t know how to be romantic, he will not become one in a short time. But if this is important to you, then over the years of a good life together, maybe you will be able to shift it a little towards romance. But you shouldn’t delude yourself. At the initial stage of a relationship, your persistence can only ruin everything. This is all in theory, but you think that you are being destroyed, which means there is a part inside of you that is desperately trying to satisfy its desire to feel needed and loved. To feel this, you need proof of his love. Getting to know the part of you that considers itself unworthy of love, helping it gain confidence is a long process that takes years. In the meantime, in a real relationship, learn to see the main thing - do not pay attention to the tinsel in the relationship, it is beautiful, attractive, but after the holiday it is removed in the closet until next year. I also want to tell you that as the relationship develops, your fears awaken, repressed, dormant parts begin to make themselves felt. Inside of you, in all likelihood, there are at least 2 parts (actually there are more) that have completely opposite desires. One really wants to be in a relationship. Another is afraid to be in a close relationship; for her, close relationships are associated with pain, the only way.