Do not break into a closed door! It may be dangerous! If they don’t let us in somewhere, there’s most likely something explosive there. In relationships too. Paul Ware noticed (I think you noticed this too) that with some people we speak as if in different languages. The words are familiar - but it is impossible to explain to a person what we want from him! “He doesn’t understand me!” - we conclude and... it’s different here. But we are definitely upset. Paul Ware says that people may not have the same contact doors. There are three of them. Feelings. Thoughts. Actions. Describing the same situation, people tell different stories. For example: “This is terrible! I'm just completely exhausted! The flight was postponed several times and this unpredictability drove me crazy! I was already starting to worry that I wouldn’t make it to tomorrow’s meeting. As a result, our flight was announced and I calmed down. Everything ended well." The narrator's open door is “feelings.” The most important thing for him is to convey his state and understand the state of another. The same story, take 2. “I realized that our flight was cancelled. I weighed all the risks and began to think about what other options there were. It is very important for me to be at the meeting. Then I realized that nothing depended on me and decided to just wait. In the end, we were invited to board and I realized: we were on time.” As you can imagine, this person is sharing information through the open door of “thought.” And the third story: “We arrived at the airport early. We approached the board and I saw that our flight was not available. I went to the information desk and asked what this could mean? I was told that our flight was delayed. There was nothing to do. We went to the waiting room and spent another 3 hours there.” As you guessed, here the open door is “action”. Or behavior. It seems like one story, but how different it sounds! Although it seems, what could be the difficulty? Everything is clear. However, you must admit, expecting to hear how your friend felt when you were very worried, it is not always interesting to listen to the bare facts. And if it’s important for you to understand how a person came to such decisions, it’s not interesting to be loaded with someone else’s experiences. The difficulty lies in the fact that people only have one door open. The second door is only slightly open. Paul Ware calls it the "goal door." But the third one is locked tightly. This door is a trap. For example, a child was taught to think logically, he was praised for his intelligence - this will be his main channel of interaction with the world. “Actions” aren’t so bad either. His mother taught him practical things, and some of his skills stuck. True, finishing things is sometimes difficult. But it was impossible to express feelings in this family. It’s bad to be angry, it’s shameful to cry and be afraid, but the parents themselves didn’t know how to rejoice - it didn’t take root. A person grows up without ever learning to understand and express his feelings. This door is closed to others too. Behavior for him is a more understandable contact. You can talk through this slightly open door. If you want to be understood and want to understand him, ask what he thinks and share your ideas. Unless, of course, your “thoughts” are not a locked door. Let's say, if your subordinate has open feelings, the first thing in the morning is to ask how she feels? If you want to have a productive employee during the day, you shouldn't start the conversation by asking her what she thought about yesterday's meeting? If you walk through the trap door and ask directly whether the report has been made, she will most likely experience fear and shame, even if everything is done. This has little to do with you. It's just likely that at some point in the past she was shamed for unfinished business. As you understand, there are many options and combinations here. Let’s now talk about what to do if the Contact Doors don’t match and you really can’t hear each other? Firstly, do not think that your partner is trying to drive you crazy and is simply mocking you. You see the world and talk about it differently. Secondly, think about which door is locked? Maybe they can’t reach you either? Third, start asking questions. If