A sad ode to divorce. Crises happen in every family, and this is normal. In essence, a crisis is any functional change in the family system. So, for example, the birth of a child is a crisis. Because functional responsibilities change with the advent of a new family member, husband and wife also become parents. Difficulties come, the family is shaken, new areas of responsibility are added. A so-called normative crisis occurs. The success of the family system in overcoming the crisis depends on the family’s resource. If the resource is insufficient, dysfunction occurs and the crisis can become non-normative. Non-normative crises include divorce, suicide, and sudden death. I want to emphasize that divorce is not a variant of the norm, it is always a consequence of dysfunction and deficiency. Divorce is always painful and almost always “meaty” and also - it is an extreme measure, but sometimes it is life-savingly necessary. In cases such as abuse (abuse - “you have been abused”) includes the entire spectrum of psychological and physical violence. Relationships with an abuser are dangerous for both physical health and emotional well-being. I described the violence to him in more detail here: https://www.b17.ru/article/22073/, so I immediately move on to the next point. Codependent relationships. A relationship where your entire resource, your entire supply of vitality, is spent on “saving” the addict and fighting the object of his addiction. It should be noted here that living with an alcoholic is an easy excuse for one’s own failure, an opportunity to feel needed, as well as an opportunity to experience the so-called moral triumph: I’m good, I didn’t leave him, I’m higher and more altruistic. And these are not the only bonuses of codependency. However, the price is high, because codependency is a disease. “He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t hit, but it’s impossible to live together!” (relationships without partnership). In theory, two people invest in the development of a relationship. It's like a tandem bike; if you pedal together, the ride is easy and enjoyable. Everyone bears their part of responsibility, everyone makes their contribution. The areas of effort may be different, but both partners invest in the relationship! Now imagine that only one is spinning the pedals, and the other... he can either enjoy a pleasant, non-stressful walk, or not at all understand why he is here, the point is that he is passive. It turns out that the load is distributed unevenly and for those who “invest” in the relationship both for themselves and for that guy, at some point it becomes unbearably difficult. Chronic fatigue, background irritation, decreased vitality - this is an indicator that you have not taken responsibility. As a result, one of the partners is extremely tired, and things are still there. Responsibility in the relationship is distributed 50/50. Partners, making common decisions, carrying out joint actions, are both responsible for the result. Actually, this is the thrill, in togetherness! If it so happens that one of the partners chose not to contribute to the relationship, then the second is faced with a choice: to invest in the relationship for two, or to leave their dysfunctional relationship and designate the point of application of their strength - your life after all. In the second case, divorce is a payment for development, a payment for the possibility of a better life, more productive and of higher quality. In fact, only partnership relationships, horizontal relationships, on equal terms, are functional, “working”, and healthy. Where two adults contribute to the relationship and are responsible for the result obtained, having the opportunity to express their “I” and space for further growth and development. Relationships in which you still need to “be patient a little,” where you need to endlessly reshape yourself , where you systematically experience pain, shame, guilt, where you cannot shake the feeling that only you need this relationship, because you are responsible for everything; relationships where you are unhappy are dysfunctional. And only you can decide whether to stay in them, or consider the possibility of divorce as the light at the end of the tunnel on the road to your better life. After all, even.