From the author: Published in the magazine "happy family", 2008. Treason: in search of illusions "Why is he cheating on me?" “What is she missing?” These are some of the most common questions clients ask when they come to therapy due to experiences of adultery. Indeed, why? In family therapy, it is not customary to look for right and wrong. If there is betrayal in the family, then it is considered as a symptom indicating a “disease” of the entire system. However, if we turn to individual people, to their pain and suffering, then we really want to ask a banal question: “Why?” and try to find the answer to it. I will present my thoughts on treason in the form of separate theses.1. Cheating is a purely cultural phenomenon. In the primitive communal system, treason as such was not a problem. Problems due to high mortality were associated primarily with survival: finding food, a safe place to live, reliable medicine. They gave birth to many children - this was the only way to ensure the existence of the clan or tribe. There are still nations where young girls date different men, and only after giving birth to a child do they acquire special value as having proven their ability to become mothers. The attitude towards betrayal as a sin is associated, first of all, with the emergence of certain religions that shape views on various aspects of life. For example, if you were brought up with the idea that shaking hands is a sin, and everyone around you judged people who practiced such actions, you would also view this action as wrong and shameful. As you know, in Christianity, betrayal is considered a sin. However, if you compare religions, you will notice that, for example, in Christianity the ideal is a marriage based on love and mutual respect between two people - a man and a woman, and in Islam the number of wives can reach four. From a Christian point of view, a Muslim cheats on his first wife with the others. But people raised in another culture consider the relationships that exist among the people around them, shared by their parents, relatives, and acquaintances, to be normal. Thus, we come to understand an important thesis - problems exist, first of all, not because of the actions themselves, but because of their perception. A negative attitude towards betrayal was also associated with the emergence of private property. It was important for the owner of this very property that his property would go not to some neighbor’s offspring, but to his own blood. Therefore, control over women arose, reaching its apogee during the Crusades. Many knights, when setting out on a long journey, left their chastity belt as a “memento” to their wife. I had the pleasure of viewing this item in the Doge's Palace in Venice. A terrible thing that prevents a woman from sleeping, sitting and living in general. However, the appearance of chastity belts was also due to the fact that in those days people cheated on each other at every turn. Just like that, without love, driven only by instincts and interest in new experiences. Women and children were often subjected to violence, and a chastity belt could protect them from at least momentary harassment - when a woman returned home in the evening, went shopping in the morning, or entered a shop alone. Those were hard times! Treason in the Middle Ages was a widespread phenomenon among the peasantry, nobility - all segments of the population! If you read the opuses about Angelica, once beloved in our country, then at every step you encounter betrayals of the heroine, who is also a loving wife. And new times have not made significant changes in (pardon the pun) attitude towards betrayal. So there was betrayal, there is... But everyone would like there to be no betrayal in his life. It doesn’t matter what others have, but you want your only and beloved person to be faithful to you until the grave. 2. Cheating is based on unmet needs. It is human nature to strive to satisfy various desires and needs - for care, love, acceptance, recognition. Some of them can only be satisfied in close relationships.It’s true, you won’t ask a colleague to hug you, feel sorry for you, and say that everything will work out for you. Nikolai and Elena, they have been married for 21 years, celebrated their anniversary last year. But Nikolai is cheating on his wife. They are not getting divorced, Nikolai is happy in his family. We talk about what is happening between them, what the spouses want from each other. And the most banal thing becomes clear - Nikolai wants to receive support from his wife, he wants tenderness and care. And Elena “gives out” warmth in a very measured way - for exemplary behavior and good deeds. Her love must be earned all the time. Just like a teacher at school who is “strict and fair.” Nikolai is sincere - he says that if his wife spoke to him more tenderly, pitied him, praised him, he would not need anyone else. He “goes on the side” not for sex, but for relationships. 3. Cheating leads to the destruction of relationships in a couple. We are a product of culture, and therefore trust, reliability, and confidence in a partner are important in relationships. Cheating is regarded as betrayal, and not everyone has such an all-forgiving heart as Mother Teresa. Nina, 34 years old, married for 15 years. She got married very young. Children appeared - first a daughter, then a son. It was a difficult time, post-perestroika, there was a chronic shortage of money, and Nina, leaving her children to her mother, traveled with heavy bags to Poland and Moscow. We saved some money and my husband started his own business. Nina was always there, working alongside her husband. Although it was very difficult, I graduated from the institute in absentia. Things have gotten better over the last few years. The children have grown up, the family is wealthy. If it weren’t for one thing, the husband began to disappear at work, so he hired a new employee – young and beautiful. Friends and acquaintances had long hinted to Nina that not everything was all right in her family. But Nina just waved it off - they say, it’s nonsense, my husband loves me. And suddenly - everything turned out to be true. And it’s so ridiculous – if it were different, it wouldn’t be so offensive. My husband called late in the evening and said that he was delayed due to serious matters. Nina hung up, but a minute later the call rang. Nina said “Hello” several times and was about to press “hang up” when she suddenly heard her husband’s voice. He accidentally pressed the call button, and Nina became an involuntary witness (or, more precisely, a listener) of the entire night conversation - and not only the conversation - of her husband and that same employee. Telling me about this, Nina no longer cried. She survived the betrayal, but the pain remained. “The worst thing,” says Nina, “is not even the betrayal itself, but the fact that my husband discussed me with his mistress. She asked him about the fact that he lied to his wife, to which he answered happily - my wife is such a whore, no matter what you tell her, she will believe it. And he laughed." Nina feels betrayed. She suddenly remembered all the sacrifices she had made for her family and realized that they were largely in vain. She could have just sat at home, not worked too hard, taken care of her health and raised her children - but Nina tried very hard to help her husband. Helped... My husband asks for forgiveness, but how can I trust him now? Nina perceives his every absence, every delay from work as a potential situation of betrayal. Nina's problem is not that her husband had sex with another woman, but that she no longer trusts him. Marriage and relationships are built, first of all, on trust, on the feeling of a partner’s reliability. We all want stability in life, at least in some aspects of it. So that the sun sets in the west, spring comes after winter, and the wives and husbands who promised to love us continue to fulfill their promises. But even nature throws out different jokes - due to global warming, we no longer know what to expect in December - snow or rain and green grass. It’s the same with people - they change over the years, and their partners expect the same behavior from them as they did when they were 20 years old. Someone changes their relationship with a partner, and someone simply cheats - it’s easier that way... And hence the next, paradoxical, opposite thesis to the previous one.4. Cheating stabilizes relationships in a couple. If we cannot meet our needs in a relationship with a partner, we tend to look for other places where we will get what we want. Hungry man looking for foodthirsty - water. What is a person looking for who chronically lacks such a strange and poorly measurable thing as, for example, respect, support, acceptance? That's right, he will look for an opportunity to get what he wants. And now a doctor of science, who is endlessly scolded by his wife, can receive recognition and respect by writing a huge number of books, giving excellent lectures, flirting (and not only) with young girls. This allows him to somehow come to terms with the existing state of affairs, and, having received a “charge of vivacity and energy” somewhere else, he is able to return to the family and withstand the discontent and attacks of his wife.5. Cheating can be evidence of personal immaturity. Indeed, the question “Why does my partner cheat on me” sometimes makes no sense. A partner is a little girl or little boy who is not ready to grow up and take responsibility for his behavior. If you put something tasty in a prominent place and tell a two-year-old child: “Don’t touch it!”, and then walk away, what do you think will happen? Weak willpower and the alluring temptation of something tasty will in 99% of cases lead to the fact that when you return you will find a dirty face. But – I’ll reveal a great psychological secret – many people never grew up. And being tempted, they are not ready to make an adult decision. “No one will know”, “This is the last time”, “On a business trip does not count”, etc., etc. They sincerely do not understand - what, in fact, is the problem? Anya, 26 years old. Her husband loves her deeply and refuses her almost nothing. And Anya periodically cheats on him. Just like that, out of boredom, because he didn’t buy her what she suddenly wanted, because she met an old love... The list is endless. My husband found out about this recently - he caught me at the “scene of the crime”, returning, as in the joke, from a business trip. He wanted to get a divorce, but Anya cried so sincerely and asked to forgive her so much that he agreed. Anya came to me for help at the insistence of her husband and immediately offered me a deal - she does not come to therapy, and I tell my husband that I saw her and everything is fine with her. Just like in kindergarten - you don’t say anything to my dad, and here I’ll play with my toys. Anya has no motivation to change, and she sincerely does not understand her husband’s reactions. “Let him cheat on me too, I don’t care,” is her main text. It’s difficult for Anya to understand her husband’s feelings, his anger and resentment: “After all, I didn’t do anything wrong!”6. Cheating is a non-verbal message to a partner. Some couples do not like to discuss their problems. And then, instead of talking about your needs and desires and running the risk of being misunderstood, it is easier to find a substitute object and get from it what you cannot get from your partner. And the latter, unfortunately, has no idea about anything. One, cheating, tries to say - I feel bad, understand me. And the second, having learned about the betrayal, understands that my partner does not love me, I am bad (bad). And quarrels, scandals, divorces begin. Although it seems that it’s easier - to talk, explain, ask... But - see points 2 and 5. I could continue the list. Because we meet cheating people everywhere. They may cheat because they do not really understand who they really are, and through numerous relationships they try to find their own self. They may cheat because they are not sure of their gender identity. A man with a Don Juan complex, who endlessly changes women, often does this in order to avoid thoughts of his homosexuality and constantly confirm that he is “okay.” They can cheat because they are completely incapable of being alone, to be alone with themselves - and are always in a sexual relationship with someone, which brings a feeling of inclusion in the relationship. They can cheat because it reduces their anxiety. Babies suck pacifiers, children bite their nails and hands, adult uncles and aunts have sex - each age has its own ways of calming itself. They may cheat because they are not satisfied with the relationship with their partner, but they are afraid to be honest with him about it.?[