From the author: The main part of this article was written in 2007 as an assignment and a kind of diary entry, an essay. Training is a complex, sometimes incomprehensible process for beginners, which often leads to bewilderment and frightening. Unfortunately, there are quite a few cases when participants decide not to attend any more trainings. I would like to talk about my experience of entering these processes. Today I can say - invaluable processes. I will not go into detail about what prompted me to write this article on the site, but I think that it may be useful, especially for “beginner participants” of trainings. In addition, I wanted creativity, and maybe the need arose. After all, creativity is a powerful resource!!! You create and strength appears - a paradox, right?! “Writing an article” is not said entirely correctly. The article (essay) was written three years ago as part of one of the advanced training programs for a practicing psychologist. They really told me then that the task was different, but somehow I understood everything in my own way and what happened was what happened. Apparently I really wanted to express myself. I called the essay “Just” training and “Not just” training...” The idea is this: in my life I have participated in various types of group work, which were trainings by definition or were not designated as such, but due to the content they gave that effect. And the trainings themselves are so different! I often say before a training to a new group: “I would like to warn you against saying, “I participated in the training - I know what it is. Why should I go, I’ve already been.” There are a huge number of training areas in terms of form, goals, etc. In addition, even training conducted by one leader is not repeated due to the uniqueness of the group and the “here and now” situation. And “simple” and “not easy” are not about efficiency, they had different goals... But about the significance for me, for my development, of change. And also about the “depth” (the word came to mind) of “screwing” the training technology into me. How deeply they dripped, dripped, let it drip... Someone will say: “There are no “just” trainings, everyone gives something!” Absolutely right! I do not argue! But what difference does training make? Improves, develops a system of means (skills, skills) or changes my personality (values, worldview). From my point of view, “simply” training is enrichment, replenishment of the “portfolio” - instrumental support. Very useful, but there is a danger of overload and focusing on the means. “Not easy training” is not just training, but... training that turns the life line, shakes the system of meanings, values, and attitudes. There is a good vulgarism “torknulo!”, the right word. In my life there have been both “simple” and “difficult” trainings. I am grateful to both! Today is May 2010. Since then, when I wrote the essay below, I have completed an even larger number of trainings and have experience participating in the same group in a training that is currently 600 hours long. The experience is colossal! I really want to describe it! Unfortunately, it is not possible to do this now. The time will appear no earlier than in a month, and then... a lot of water will flow away... There is a good proverb, “A spoon is for dinner.” I make a decision at night, in a temperature state. I hope, despite this, the decision to post the essay on the site is correct. So, around April 2007, I wrote... “Just” training and “Not just” training... My first experience of participating in the training, at first glance, is adaptation training 1st year at university. But, if we assume that something that happens without the participation of a professional trainer-psychologist can have a similar effect, then I can justify that some events and facts of my life can already be considered my first such experience.***...One Hundred Steps forward and don’t drift. Take off, and at low level - straight into the light. A hundred steps towards you... P. Kashin Firstly, what I remember well is the youth theater in our village club and school amateur performances. Discussion of scenarios, selection and definition of roles,productions, rehearsals, the performances themselves and what happened after are very reminiscent of training. Arguments? The main thing is the opening up of opportunities for self-knowledge: you will find out your capabilities, what you are capable of... A powerful flow of feedback... Getting used to the role... Scenes... Auditions... Internal conflicts... Overcoming... And external ones!!! Strife over roles... Envy... Resentment... Establishing relationships... The first serious feeling of the system: one did not show up - the rehearsal was disrupted... The first experience of responsibility: the success of the entire performance or event depends on you just like everyone else, and sometimes even more. At school, everything is different: everything is more “toy” or “childish”: children’s responsibility (parents will forgive anyway), “toy” events. Studies? It's not that systematic. And the consequences of a “cool” attitude towards her will be visible only years later. And in the theater you will see this tomorrow... And not only you... Secondly, art school... If this is a still life - concentration, patience, thoroughness... Time stood still... Special memories relate to the silence in the classroom...***...The light comes from the eclipse .The essence is born in doubt, The necessary words come from silence...P. Kashin Landscape, composition - self-expression... The internal becomes external... And the external becomes internal... The world becomes three-dimensional. Every object has shadows, highlights, reflections... It’s as if you are looking at the world with different eyes. I remember the moment when I was sitting at the table at a holiday and spent half the evening looking at and trying to remember what the wine glasses looked like on the table, surrounded by other objects, how the latter were reflected in the glasses with bizarre shapes... very beautiful... It’s a pity that there was no “Portrait”. I wonder how this experience would later be synthesized with my psychological activity... Thirdly, literature lessons... Probably, I was lucky with the teacher (by the way, in distant Chukotka, my literature teacher was a woman from our city). Yes, we did not sit in the classic “training circle” (by the way, in the theater and art class we often sat in a circle, in the art class - sideways). In the literature lesson, there was an imaginary circle and the heroes of works of fiction sat with us in it as co-participants. Perhaps they were the inner circle: the "aquarium". But it would probably be a mistake to think that “they didn’t have us.” After all, it is quite possible to imagine Raskolnikov’s face facing me and see myself through its value-semantic foundations. A literature lesson is probably the first most serious experience of touching people’s experiences. This is truly a meeting of “you with another”, “you with yourself”. Individual, independent reading of books did not give such an effect (although feelings were overwhelming before), but the talented teacher skillfully placed accents. Why not a coach? Perhaps it will be better than many certified trainers...***...Life is tired of intertwining us, Teaching us to no avail By person and by gender. We are uncomposed couplets, Without color in winter and summer Through countries and cities... P. Kashin So... The first experience of a specially organized training with a leading psychologist. I remember the exercise “Snowball” and “Slime”. But then the internal mechanism of what was happening was not yet clear. This is definitely “adaptation training in the first year.” Or maybe that’s right: we communicated in an “unusual” way and it was already good. Then a little later there was something similar, but there was more involvement and understanding. Exercises were offered more serious, deeper. In terms of learning, this is, of course, very useful. After them, theoretical material is perceived differently. But, unfortunately, as a rule, the exercises were of this nature: through them you most often learned a little more about yourself. This, of course, is not just a “plus” to what was known. Some things changed qualitatively after that. For example, I learned that from the outside I was perceived as a sanguine person, although until then I was sure that everyone saw my melancholic temperament (as Eysenck’s questionnaire confidently “said”). As a result, my self-esteem increased (I even remember this moment and how important it was to me that I was perceived as active, nimble, etc., etc.). I still remember this“shock”: during the training, a fellow student suddenly burst into tears, from whom I did not expect this. I realized then that not only me, but also the characters in books and my loved ones, whose revelations I was accustomed to, have strong experiences. This is how not only the objects of the surrounding world gradually became “volumetric,” but also people, ALL PEOPLE... And so voluminous that such internal depth and complexity made one’s head spin. Am I in these trainings? Active, often supportive. I was very interested in the process and “went away” with the process. But there was no reflection on “myself during the training” and “myself after the training” as such. At least now I don’t remember anything special...***...You know, free people have their way, If you are light, If the wind sings in your language... P. Kashin I don’t want to write about this as if there was a “turning point” in my life. Although to some extent this is true. I'm talking about the first “serious” training. This was not training in the narrow sense of the word. It is possible, and very likely, that my “before” state played a certain role. At this training I saw a lot for the first time, almost everything. The feeling of loneliness has become so intense! For several months after that I just cried, cried every day, maybe even every minute, cried inside and out. But this is “after”. And during... I didn’t understand anything for a long time. This was the main condition. I was “younger” than everyone else, this feeling led to even greater confusion and embarrassment. I survived the group’s “attack” and received powerful and, as it seemed to me, negative feedback. I survived the coach’s “attack,” as it seemed to me. Now I more or less understand what it was. And then... pain, resentment, melancholy, sadness, despair, aggression... Well, in general, what was sitting inside came out. I like what happened to me “after”. I try to maintain this state as much as possible.***...And I keep my simple valueDeep in my heart, away from prying eyes.And this value gives me freedomEvery time...P. Kashin Later, during classes in an art group that were held for several months, I “caught” a certain state and learned to maintain it. It was then that I learned to be calm, to become calm. Just calm and that’s it... No suppression, no reaction. If you like the state, if you want to remain in it, you will simply remain in it. And even in those days I learned to make a choice in favor of Life. This saved me from a certain dependence and, to some extent, prevented me from being determined by the present by the past and fears, that is, by the future.***...The gift of love from the gift of pain is distinguished by a sense of will, Love under its trembling wing...P. Kashin***...And the years are like snow - They will melt and not... The river does not flow back, It does not flow... mailbox V. Kikabidze Another special experience... Another “before” and “after”. I am in this process ? I reflected a lot right there. I probably learned to use training for self-development almost at a technical level. It is important to observe yourself, your reactions, experiences, actions. Compare “here and now” with “there and then”. And try, try new things. And try to understand, understand with all your might, “what it is.” What is happening “here and now”. And one more thing – my group role has changed. It was then that I “caught” this fact. Maybe identification with the aggressor occurred? (after “running over” me at the previous training, I started “running over” others). Well, it’s just some kind of defense mechanism, and also an immature one. Or perhaps, having understood the positive side of frustration, I began to “offer” it to others. In this case, there is a danger that I imagined myself as a messiah. We need to figure this out. At the same time, when I conduct the training myself, my role is significantly less frustrating, and the same applies to individual consultations. In general, after this training, I “both found and lost.” I found the meaning of life - it is in Life itself. I lost the illusion that life is endless. This opens up many possibilities, it doesn’t even just open, but in a sense forces them to see and look for them. And finally, I discovered existential psychology. Much began to be perceived as 2007