If you need to explain, then you don’t need to explain, says Olga Buzova, and this phrase of hers has already scattered into memes. Is this always the case? As I understand it, the following is included in this phrase: when a person does not understand how to behave towards you, does not understand some of your needs, conditions or requirements on his own or the first time, then there is no need “throwing pearls before swine” and wasting energy trying to explain obvious things, when you should simply leave contact with such a person. You can also often hear the phrase from various “Instapsychologists”: “I got up and left.” For example, “I didn’t buy a fur coat, I got up and left.” “I didn’t propose six months later, I got up and left,” and so on. On the one hand, leaving may indeed be the only option not to betray yourself and your interests. And indeed, it is better to leave some people as soon as possible. Such people are often, for example, pathological narcissists, psychopaths, borderline people, that is, people with mental disorders from the category of “bad personality disorders.” Or simply people whose interests do not coincide with ours. At the same time, in a huge variety of situations, a healthier and more correct reaction to a person’s lack of understanding of our needs is not leaving, but first dialogue. In which I not only explain my point of view, but also am interested in the opponent’s point of view, I ask and listen to what they answer. Because what seems self-evident to one person may not seem so at all to another. All people are different, growing up in different conditions and even cultures. And what is normal for one is wild for another. Plus other people don't know what we want or how we feel unless we tell them. Therefore, if we get up and leave, burning bridges, every time we could try to talk, we risk leaving absolutely everyone and remaining in splendid isolation, which is not very good for such social creatures as people. It turns out that sometimes you need to explain (and listen to the explanations of others), and sometimes you don’t need to. There is no need to explain when it is useless. How can you recognize when it is useless? First, by trying to talk. Secondly, relying on previous experience in similar situations and on your own feelings. If my entire being, especially at the body level, reacts the way it reacted in past relationships where I was not heard and used, then there is a possibility that I am dealing with a person with a similar “internal structure”, and I should not expect understanding from him . However, if I, for my part, tried to explain something and, importantly, ask - that is, I entered into a dialogue, then even if the person still did not understand and did not hear, then I will know 100 percent exactly what’s wrong with me. The parties did everything possible. And then you can get up and leave. If the idea of ​​talking causes fear or anger, protest, or other strong feelings, this is a clear sign of a traumatic past experience that would benefit from being addressed with a psychologist if you want to respond more intelligently and calmly and improve your communication skills. . When someone touches our sore spot, we sometimes need at least support. A psychologist can become such a support, as well as a guide to healing from trauma. Book a consultation with me online: here