“The manifestation of children's jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon. Jealousy arises from the fact that children love. If they are incapable of love, then they do not show jealousy.” Donald Woods Winnicott, child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst To start the conversation, a little experiment: Name the words starting with these letters “B”, “S”, “P”, “M”. Now let's see. Surely you named the words “dad” and “mom” with the letters “P” and “M”, but what about the letters “B” and “S”? Did you mention the words “brother” and “sister”? In my practice (in groups, seminars) this has never happened before. I even tried it on relatives - the effect is the same. What's the matter? It's a matter of "competitive instinct." The most fierce competitors are considered to be those who are genetically close: brothers/sisters. The Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler (a student of Sigmund Freud) described a case that illustrates how strongly the appearance of another child in the family influences the behavior of children: “The boy asked his parents to hold his little sister in his arms. Moreover, the parents were convinced that the boy loved his sister. But taking in his arms, he soon, as if by accident, threw her on the floor." Adler's teacher Sigmund Freud describes another case in one of his books. After the birth of his sister, 5-year-old Hans fell ill. In his delirium, he shouted: “I don’t want any sister! Let the stork take her back!” In my practice, I quite often come across various manifestations of childhood jealousy and rejoice when it is noticeable. Because this means that the child can express his feelings. It is much more complicated when the child seems to “not be jealous” and even loves his brother or sister, and the child is 2 or 3 years old... Such situations most often arise in families where where the very thought of possible jealousy is simply unacceptable. Such parents perceive jealousy as a “bad” feeling, suppress it themselves by any means and try to forcibly instill love in the elder, ignoring the true feelings of the child. According to the same Adler, children who have common parents, but differ in age and gender, develop in different conditions, even if the father and mother do not single out any of them. Even if the parents believe that the attitude towards the older child with the birth of the younger one is not has changed. His parents pay him as much attention as before, have not deprived him of his previous privileges, do not make new demands on him, and love him no less than before the birth of their second child. All these are necessary conditions for the harmonious development of a child’s personality. But unfortunately, this is not enough. The main thing is that the child feels that his parents love him. So that not only you, but also your baby knows that mom and dad are still needed. In fact, what is much more important is not the real situation in the family, but the child’s perception of this situation. Childhood jealousy And the real situation is this - the older child does not have many reasons to rejoice at the appearance of the younger one, rather the opposite! Before the baby arrived, he was the only one! He is the main member of the family - parents and relatives paid attention only to him, toys only to him, only his interests were significant, mother prepared food that he loves and many, many other important circumstances. And when mother was pregnant, the child, most likely, was very I was waiting for a brother or sister. This, by the way, is another argument of many parents in denying the fact of jealousy. Have you ever thought about HOW a child imagines having a brother or sister? Can he know and assess in advance WHAT he will have to face when the baby appears? Children are waiting for a sister or brother and imagine him as a play partner and that’s it. Older children (usually girls) fantasize about how they will perform all sorts of manipulations with the little one, like with a doll, only alive. And many are very disappointed when faced with a real situation in which the child is still very far from being a play partner. Moreover, often you can’t touch him, he screams, cries, his mother is always with him... Having become an older sister or older brother, the child has ceased to be the only one and this is very seriousworry for the baby. Our daughter was even worried about the appearance of her cousins, because she was competing for the love of her grandparents, for my husband’s and my attention when we were visiting. I talked a lot and told my daughter about this, we talked about her feelings, so she was free in them - she could come up, hug me and say: “Mom, I’m jealous!” and receive in return a portion of love, attention and the assurance that with the advent of these babies, nothing has changed in my love for her. Now she is 9 years old, but this competition, invisible to many, continues to remain in the background. Her behavior seems to say: “Look, I’m better!” For example, a niece hits herself and cries theatrically for a long time, everyone consoles her (including her daughter). After some time, her daughter hits herself, as if by accident. That is, she didn’t do it consciously, but there was an unconscious impulse. She hit me hard, everyone noticed it, took notice and began to feel sorry. What is the daughter doing? She smiles, wipes away her tears and says: “Oh, it’s okay, it’ll pass now” - and this despite the fact that she was really in pain and the pain had not gone away yet, but this is a competitive struggle: “Look how patient I am and I don’t cry for half an hour !". Of course, all this is not thought out as a plan, she does not understand “what” she is actually doing and “why”. Now I would like to dwell on the “hidden” signs of jealousy: The child has become very nervous, easily excitable, capricious. Or vice versa - passive, sad, does not want to play or does not know what he wants at all. At the same time, he doesn’t say anything bad about the younger one. And sometimes he repeats “I love my brother.” The child has developed eating disorders. Lost appetite, taste preferences have changed dramatically, what he used to love, now he doesn’t eat, and so on. Regression in self-care skills. In fact, this happens to almost all children when they are younger; this mechanism is based on the child’s very serious feelings. He sees that the baby receives a lot of love and attention, often the mother explains why (he himself does not know how to eat, dress, wash, etc.). And then the eldest thinks - that means if I become the same, then my mother will spend so much time with me. And the strict reaction of parents to such behavior of the child can only aggravate the situation. Activation of chronic diseases (for no apparent reason), frequent colds, injuries. Any health problems in which the mother will definitely turn all her attention to the first-born. The influence of the difference in the age of children on the experiences of jealousy. The smaller the difference in the ages of the children, the stronger the experiences of the first-born. Many parents believe that a difference of 1-2 years is ideal, because children still “do not understand anything” - and this is a very dangerous misconception. The main difficulty is that the goals and methods of achieving them for children with such an age difference are almost the same. And this means that the competition will be quite tough. Often this competition is vigorously fueled by the parents themselves: “He is younger than you, but he doesn’t cry,” “Sasha’s picture is neater,” “You are older, but you act like a little one,” and so on. Such comparisons do not motivate a child to achieve achievements as such, they evoke completely different feelings: rage, anger, resentment, hatred and the desire to surpass his brother/sister at all costs, but not because he himself needs it... But in order to “defeat” him and, as a result, earn the love and recognition of his parents. If the age difference is 5 years or more, then provided that the situation is properly organized by the parents, rivalry can be minimized. Often, with such a difference in age, the elder becomes an authority for the younger, an ideal to which one wants to strive. Well, for an older person, the situation when people look up to him is also very attractive and not traumatic. My cousin and I have an age difference of 4 years. I remember how she followed me with her tail and obediently played the games that I came up with. Well, having grown up, I was her main adviser on the topic of relationships with boys, etc. Now we have the opportunity to observe the same picture with my sister - our daughters have a difference inage 4 years. I would like to note that not only the age difference matters, but also the actual age of the children themselves. The peak of their conflicts and difficulties in relationships occurred at the ages of 3-5 (nieces) and 7-9 (daughters) - they quarreled, fought, sorted things out . Of course, there is also another point here - they are cousins ​​and both are the only ones, and being together they had to learn to negotiate and hear each other. In this sense, in a family of siblings, everything is different - they were initially in these conditions, so the adaptation period occurs faster .The little secret of non-conflict relationships is the so-called “matchmaking”. When you take children out of a position of equals. For example: “Slavik, help Timosha tie his shoelaces”, “Show him how to brush his teeth” - taking you out of the position of equals, in this way you give recognition to the elder: you are older, the little one is looking at you. At the same time, you indicate to the younger the position of the elder and his authority. But here, too, it is important not to overdo it. Do not burden the elder with worries about the younger, he should not do this. Try to make it interesting for him, and it will be interesting when he is free to do it. This is your child and only you should walk/feed/dress him/her, etc. The older one may or may not do this. Here are some recommendations: Prepare your child for the birth of a second baby. Even if the firstborn is just a baby. Talk about what he will be like, that you won’t be able to play with him right away. You can look at special books, ultrasound pictures, pictures from magazines. Let him listen to the kicks and heartbeat, tell him that he grew in your tummy in the same way. Don't forget to talk about how your life will change after having a little one. And don’t forget about feelings either, that he (your firstborn) will forever remain your first child, loved and adored, regardless of what the second one will be like. Teach independence and encourage its expression in every possible way. After the birth of your baby, this will be of great use to you. In addition, the child will not associate the need to eat on his own with the appearance of a sister who is “helpless” in this matter, if he had already done this before her appearance. In continuation of the previous recommendation, I would like to pay attention to one more thing. It is better to carry out all the changes that should occur with the birth of a second child before his birth - going to kindergarten, weaning (unless you plan to feed both), weaning from co-sleeping, etc. Otherwise, the child may associate all these changes with the appearance of the baby, which means that the competition will be stronger. Everyone’s situations are different, and so are the mother’s capabilities. If you understand that you cannot cope with two children at first, ask for help. Let your husband/mother/sister/mother-in-law take a vacation, time off, or go yourself where it will be easier for you, just don’t give your firstborn to relatives for a while... It just seems to you that the child doesn’t understand anything and doesn’t worry - for him this is a huge trauma - “a brother has appeared, now they don’t love me and I’m no longer needed.” A gift to the first-born will help soften the situation of “entering the family” of a new person. Remember the answers - as a rule, guests bring flowers to mom, a “beautiful bottle” to dad, and a gift to the baby... Rarely does anyone think about a present for the first-born, but he also has a holiday and whatnot! He became an older brother or sister! Isn't this a reason to receive the gift you dreamed of? Don't react strictly if your firstborn drops a pacifier, crushes the baby's leg, spills milk, and so on. Be patient. And consider this an opportunity to talk about his feelings. I was 12 years old when my brother appeared and when my mother wasn’t looking, I pulled his arm or leg to make him wake up. I wanted to play with him, but he slept all the time. Important point. Allow your child to be jealous! It would seem that a simple phrase “I see that you are jealous and it’s not easy for you” can become very important for a baby. Firstly, you tell him his feeling and he begins to understand the name of what is happening to him. Secondly, This reaction of yours “legalizes” it