A few days ago, my friend told me a story about how his wife really wanted support from him. But he couldn't figure out how to do it. He could help with specific deeds. But what can I say? How to behave? All words such as “everything will be fine”, “it’s all nonsense”, “don’t worry” sound simply stupid in his opinion. As a result, they divorced. Of course, this was not the only reason, but he drew an unequivocal conclusion for himself: “I don’t know how to support people, I don’t understand how to do it.” Let’s think about whether there are any criteria at all by which we will understand, supported human or not? It is unlikely that you will find any universal criteria and signs. After all, in your understanding and in the understanding of the person who needs support, it can be expressed in completely different ways. And so much so that the situation can turn out exactly the opposite: you help with all your heart, pay attention, and your loved one wants to be left alone. At the moment, his concern is peace and loneliness, and you seem to be trying to “do good.” And this happens. So, the first nuance in this whole situation is the inability of people to talk to each other. For some reason, we are not shy about talking about our hobbies, achievements, about life in general, about how it is unacceptable to treat us, in the end, but talking directly about what we want seems something scary. And we leave it to our partner to guess, through trial and error, how to treat us. On the other hand, we also don’t bother to ask our partner what kind of care and support he needs, believing that our own understanding is enough. No, not enough. This is the first thing to ask/tell if someone has a need for support. If a person refuses to tell you about himself, about how he represents support, then either this is manipulation, or the person does not know himself sufficiently, what he wants (in this case, any of your actions will seem somehow wrong to him and will not fully satisfy him). Phrases such as “everything will be fine,” “it will pass,” “don’t worry,” etc. really won't help someone who is already upset and worried feel better. Sometimes it is enough to let your loved one know that you are ready to help and are ready to be there when needed. But what specific help is needed is best known and can be told by the one who needs it. My friend also told me that there were situations when a wife needed support in some matter, but he fundamentally disagreed with her position. So what should we do then? Lying? Go against your principles? First you need to distinguish between the concepts of “person support”, “idea support” and the so-called “confrontation support” (with me or against me, the need to take someone’s side). Remember that you are not fully obliged agree with another point of view or take someone’s side, because you have your own opinion. But you can choose a priority, what is more important at the moment - supporting a person or defending your point of view. Assess what consequences this or that decision will entail. Both of these options can be completely reasonable, the choice depends only on how you assess the specific situation. Online psychologist, coach Ilyina Yulia Igorevna +79138523829 (Whats App, Telegram)