Regarding the desire to kill, I can say that these were strong outbursts of aggression that could lead to murder. Thank God I restrained myself and didn’t kill anyone. Why did this happen? I think the reason for this was greatly suppressed anger and rage. To those people to whom I could not express this anger. And this resulted in rage against those who are not guilty of anything. Although outwardly no one understood or noticed anything, after this desire I had a rapid heartbeat for 2 months. It was a strong fear, as my psychologist said, rather even “horror” from the realization of what could happen. I told my husband and am very grateful to him that he did not judge me, was not afraid (at least outwardly), but supported me. Although I myself don’t know how I would react given the details of the situation. Then I went to a psychologist (group psychotherapy) and talked about it. I was surprised that I didn’t get anything from either the condemnation group or the psychologist. And no one sent me to a mental hospital. Then I had the idea of ​​going to a psychiatrist after all. But the trainer (from whom I study Gestalt) really dissuaded me. In the end, I finally made an appointment with a psychotherapist. Then I decided to make a list of those situations that preceded the affect. At first it seemed to me that nothing like this had happened, everything happened out of the blue. Having compiled this list, I was extremely surprised because the events that poisoned my life lasted for several months. But I simply didn’t track them, because at that time it was very difficult to track them. Then in my close circle there were enough people who needed my emergency help. I provided support, but I myself did not track the moment when I myself needed support. I wrote now and immediately realized all the reasons. I was most likely angry at my husband, but I could not express it to him because his father died. And I understood that there was no time for my emotions. I now thought that probably in this case psychotherapy would help, to yell, to get angry in the psychologist’s office, to react somehow. But then I didn’t do this. And in general I thought that everything was fine with me and I didn’t need any psychologist. And my problem also lay in my any defense mechanism, as I already wrote - rationalization." It’s okay, you’ll be patient, no one cut you “I didn’t rape you, you can’t be so upset” “Now I’m trying to track my emotions and speak them out. Tk experienced from personal experience that suppressed emotions turned out to be a time bomb for me personally. Irina Bukhval, family psychologist, LGBT*+, I work with couples and individually.* LGBT is a movement whose activities are recognized as extremist and prohibited in the Russian Federation.