From the author: The article was taken from my website: www.psifactor.rf Has this ever happened to you? You communicate with some person, everything seems to be fine, and the person himself is not bad. But... you know that at certain moments in his life he does not behave quite adequately. In a simple way they say about this: “he has such a point...” A point can be anything. Someone will object and say that in general people have a lot of these “fads”, sometimes they consist only of them. But it seems to me that if you look more closely, you can see that all the “small points” are governed by one dominant “point” - psychologists often say “complex”. What do I mean? Here’s an example: you are communicating with a person. Everything is fine, everything is fine, but he is very sensitive to criticism. And he takes the slightest remark addressed to him with hostility. You tell him: “This is where you are wrong, buddy. You could have done it this way or that.” And he answered you: “Yes, you take me for a complete idiot, you don’t regard me as anything.” And he leaves, slamming the door. You are left in splendid isolation with your mouth open and eyes fluttering. Or one friend says to another: “Listen, this dress doesn’t quite suit you. Not your style.” He speaks sincerely, delicately, out of love. In response he hears: “Yes, you actually think I’m a terrible ugly thing...” and off we go. These are “points” associated with an inferiority complex. There are others. For example, you are dating a man. Everything seems to be fine, there is carrot love, but he has never confessed this love to you, when you communicate with him, he behaves as if he doesn’t really need you, and is clearly in no hurry to create a strong connection. But as soon as you move away from him, move away, “Do you remember how we had..”, “I remember how we had a good time...”. You approach him - again, it’s as if he doesn’t need you. If you imagine this in the form of images, then he seems to be standing sideways to you all the time. And there seems to be closeness between you, but not “here and now” but “there and then.” This can go on for years. Otherwise, he is a good person. But with a “fad” - he is afraid of intimacy and at the same time wants it. Or, for example, you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. A great person, a loyal comrade, a wonderful companion. You know that you can spend time with this person, chat, have fun, but never, under any circumstances, under any circumstances, will you start any joint business with him. Because this person is a control freak. As soon as he gains at least some power, he immediately begins to use it to its fullest. For example, the last time you volunteered to book a trip to the sea, he called you twenty times a day, constantly telling you what to do, where to go, how and who to talk to. The calls continued into the night to find out if you did as he said. In the end, you spat and entrusted this matter to him: “Since you are so smart, figure it out yourself.” And in response to this, he said with complete confidence: “Well, I knew it. You can’t be trusted with anything.” There is one bad news. Everyone has such points. All of us. And that’s why here I want to talk not about how others ruin our lives with their fads, but how we ruin it for ourselves. Moreover, from the previous story it is clear that another person can just get along with someone else’s “fad” - it is enough to exclude interaction in the “painful zone”. For example, do not criticize a person in case of incorrect work, but hire someone else. Do not tell your friend about her “failed” " view. It’s more important for yourself, let the scary one walk around :). Build a life together not with the man who “keeps him on a long leash”, but with another – one who is capable of close relationships.. Do not give unnecessary reasons for control to the one who “maniacs” them. Well, on the other hand, how? Imagine imagine that you are the person who reacts so painfully to criticism from others. In your eyes, everything happens a little differently. You worked, worked, “didn’t find mutual understanding” with the boss or employees, for example, and he suddenly took andassigned “your business” to someone else. And to your reasonable question: “Why?” he tells you that you don’t take criticism at all. “Who doesn’t take criticism?! Am I the one who doesn’t take criticism?!” you think indignantly. Or you are dating a girl. Love her, want to be close to her. Well, not very close, but close. No, I have no desire to marry her. This is such a responsibility. You need to prepare, think everything through. “And why does she constantly talk about living together? Manipulates me, wants to lasso me.” And suddenly, one fine day she comes to you and says: “That’s it, I can’t do this anymore. Let's break up." And you break up. Most often with the internal formulation: “She did not understand my subtle soul.” Years go by, but for some reason there are no people who can understand “your subtle soul.” And you are left to live in loneliness and longing for unfulfilled hopes for happiness. That is, it turns out that we pay for our “fads” with the happiness of our lives. But if everything is so obvious, why do we continue to hold on to them? What makes us persistently repeat the same “pathological” behavior, not giving up it, even knowing that it will not lead to anything good? The fact is that such manifestations are the result of rejection, despair, pain and grief that we have experienced in life. childhood. More precisely, not as a result, but as a way to cope with all these feelings and somehow survive. For example, a person with an inferiority complex reacts so painfully to criticism because within him there is an attitude “if they criticize me, it means they reject me. completely, completely." The body's response to complete, total rejection is acute pain and anger, aggression. As a rule, these are people whose parents in childhood allowed themselves harsh, categorical criticism of them, accepting them only when they behaved as they should parents. This attitude cultivates a double reaction inside: on the one hand, a constant need to fit in, to appear, to impress (and the resulting acute fear of not fitting in, seeming stupid, not being appreciated), and on the other hand, an acute, painful reaction to the slightest, even the most innocent criticism. Or, a person trying to control everything. When parents are inattentive to the child, his needs and wants, expose him to dangerous situations because of this, do not come into direct contact with him, hide their true feelings, at some point he stops trusting and begins to “take power into his own hands” . Subsequently, the word “trust” on an unconscious level means “danger” for him. Subsequently, a situation occurs that corresponds to the expression: “the circus has left but the clowns remain.” The child grows up, the situation around changes, the scary and evil parents are no longer there, but those who are - are not at all so scary and evil and they can be dealt with quite easily (you just need to avoid their “fads” by side J). But we continue to behave as we did in childhood - we respond to criticism with anger, we don’t let them approach us, and just in case, we harass our loved ones with our total control and distrust. It's as if nothing has changed. Why is that? Because there, in this established pattern of behavior, everything is known, predictable and understandable. “Yes, these are not the most correct reactions, but they once protected me? What happens if I suddenly allow myself, for example, to admit criticism? What kind of pain will I face? Will I survive after this? Will I be able to live being “rejected”?” And it doesn’t matter that the pictures of rejection are just fantasies in our heads. Yes, they are based on real experiences of the past, so they seem absolutely reliable and true. But this does not mean that they are true now - after all, there is a different world around, a different I and other people around me. And even if I am rejected, I have much more strength and opportunity to survive it. We don’t know what will happen if we change, and therefore we are very afraid to allow ourselves to manifest ourselves differently in life. Like in the movie “The Mysterious Forest” - people who live in the middle of a huge forest think that if they go outside