From the author: This article talks about the positive aspect of losing, the dangers of perfectionism, resources from “Ivan the Fool”, etc. The article was also published on the website of the Psychological Center “Another View” Lastly Nowadays, in the titles of books and television programs, symbols of success strategies are increasingly found. Books “Born to Win!”, “From Frogs to Princes!”, the program “Star Factory”, etc. There is more and more polarization in the public consciousness - winners and losers. Naturally, children, first under the influence of their parents, and then themselves, strive to be on the winning side. But it’s impossible to win all the time, and, it seems to me, the problem with many modern people is that they don’t know how to lose. At first glance, everything is simple: winners have a good mood, those around them are proud of them, but in case of failure, loss begins problems, this is where you need the help of parents, loved ones, and in more complex cases - a specialist - a psychologist. Associations with words: Success - energy, positive emotions, victory, status, prestige, high self-esteem, recognition, superiority, successful strategy. Failure - loss, negative emotions, humiliation, depression, low self-esteem, envy, frustration, resentment. The problem is that some children do not know how to lose. They take losing seriously and strive to avoid it at all costs, as if their lives were on the scale. Such children, in ordinary games for leisure, “gnaw” victory from their peers, not noticing that more long-term goals are being sacrificed - building good relationships, harmonious stay in a team. In case of victory, they are also not entirely adequate. For example. In kindergarten - New Year's holiday, according to the script, good heroes defeat the evil Baba Yaga. Most children realize that it is just a game. But Kostya from the preparatory group hits seriously, with all his might, as if he were really Evil Personified, and not a teacher in disguise. Why is it bad to always strive to win?1. Such people exhaust themselves and those around them. 2. Their behavior pushes their peers away from them; next time they will not be invited to the game. 3. If they lose, they become depressed and frustrated.4. The self-esteem of such children, as a rule, is inadequate and does not correspond to reality. In case of victory - “I am the King and God!”, in case of loss - “I am a nonentity!” There is a danger of developing narcissistic personality disorder. In this case, winnings are needed like air to confirm your positive sense of self, “I have the right to live, because I am a winner!”5. The very fear of making a mistake paralyzes a person or keeps him in suspense, thereby increasing the likelihood of losing. 6. Some children project their fear of losing onto others. Even if they win, they do not feel joy from this, imagining how the losing child experiences it.7. Even if a child manages to win constantly for some time, each new win brings less joy. You get used to good things quickly. To feel joy, you need to experience failure - otherwise there is simply nothing to compare with. For example, Elena, at school, stacks of certificates of commendation for excellent studies did not bring joy at all, but a certificate for 2nd place in the victory of a sports team was pleasant precisely because the girl won in sports not often.8.Children who win develop too easy an attitude towards life. There is even an expression about this: “Lives playfully.” Of course, it is important that the child feels that there is a benevolent World around him, but it is important that this be within the limits of reality. The desire of parents to “not let them fall, lay down straws” is sometimes a “disservice.” The child is in illusions about his relationship with the World and suffers a serious failure sooner or later. As the famous artist Sergei Yursky said in one of his interviews: “Don’t hope that your child will walk all his life along the granite path lined with you. Either the money will run out, or the granite!”self-esteem, but it is like a glass shell. As soon as someone significant scolds this person, the shell shatters to pieces. Perfectionists. “I’ll torture myself all the way, I’ll become the best!” Perfectionism is the desire to do everything as best as possible, “a 5 plus” People who are chronic winners have a number of problems. A mild manifestation of perfectionism and improvement tendencies in behavior can be considered a virtue. But beyond a certain limit, this quality can become a serious drawback that takes up time and effort. Perfectionism can manifest itself in different cases: for example, endless rewriting of homework or many hours of “watching” in front of the mirror, when a woman achieves impeccable hair and makeup. Some people find themselves captive to this behavior; their perfectionistic standards are often unattainable, which causes feelings of anger and dissatisfaction themselves and bitterness from unfulfilled intentions. Perfectionists are often maximalists: “If you do something, then do it with an A plus, or don’t do it at all!” For some time they manage to constantly win, to be at the pinnacle of success, and an unconscious expectation arises that this will always be the case. If such a person encounters the first setbacks, an inadequate reaction may occur. A friend says: “I was always an excellent student, an activist, I was almost never scolded at school. I attended the ski section and one day the coach began to scold our team for low results. For a long time I could not understand that he was really angry with us, it seemed to me that what was happening with a joke or a prank. I stood, looked into his eyes and laughed, which inflamed him even more." In children who are perfectionists, the level of anxiety and restlessness is consistently high. The habit of “being better than others”, “keeping your back”, “being in shape” takes a lot of time and effort. Such children may strive for perfection in order to hide the shortcomings that they see in themselves. They consider themselves bad, unworthy and imperfect people, and external behavior serves as compensation for their internal sense of self. Such children are mentally tormented after committing the slightest offense. It is difficult for them to express their emotions, especially negative ones - anger, rage, fear. Reasoning something like this: “If I have evil thoughts, it means I am an evil and bad person.” Reasons for perfectionism: 1. The result of being raised in a strict family, where many things are considered “bad” and the expression of negative feelings is not allowed.2. Children adopt the character traits of their parents, modeling themselves in their “image and likeness.” For example, if a child constantly hears: “Everyone in our family was an excellent student!” It’s difficult for him to be a good student or a C student. At first glance, such people should be good, responsible workers, but not everything is so simple, because they have a number of “complexes” that paralyze their activities.1. The complex of an “excellent student” is to do everything with an “A+” or not to do it at all. When a child (or an adult) is engaged in endless preparations for an activity, so that someday later (in 5 minutes, 2 days, a couple of months) he can do everything perfectly - homework or renovations in the apartment. 2. "Comparison complex." The child understands that he will not succeed as well (beautifully) as his mother, older brother, father, friend - which means it is better not to do anything at all. Focusing on winning, the child seems to ignore essential parts of himself - weaknesses, fears, which could become a resource in the future. Naturally, at the same time, he does not have a sense of integrity of himself, a lot of energy is spent on repressing these weak parts, rejecting them from himself. The consequence of this behavior may be: Nightmares. If we proceed from the concept that all elements of a dream are different parts of the dreamer, then an example of such nightmares could be: the persecution of the Ego of the dream by beggars, poor people, sick animals (i.e. personification of these weak parts - figures dependent on the dreamer). All kinds of fears. The child’s own fear and cowardice are not recognized and, as a type of projection, are carried out into the outside world. The fear of death, for example, is transformed into the fear of a witch,aliens, ghosts, etc. Treatment with psychosomatics. Illness is an objective reason not to fight for victory, an opportunity to refuse to participate in Olympiads, tests, sports competitions. However, it is precisely what is not accepted that may contain a resource. Weak parts of the personality, with some support and training, can reach a mature state and become a support for a person. For example, a boy with a fragile physique did not become a “Macho Man” with pumped up muscles. He admitted: “Yes, I’m physically weaker than many guys!” He developed the ability to play chess well and beat physically strong peers, thereby earning their respect. “Resource of Idiocy.” In fairy tales, Ivanushka, the fool, defeats smart and treacherous heroes. Jesters are not afraid to speak truth to power. Fools (blessed), according to religious people, have the gift of soothsaying. The song of the group “Tatu” “I’ve lost my mind ...” The strength of heroines is insanity - voluntary recognition of this disarms: “Mom, dad, forgive me ...” Program “Hidden Camera” from the screen with With the help of a video, they appeal to us: “People, be stupid, don’t be afraid to experiment, try unconventional moves, forget about conventions, reveal your creative side!” The videos and their participants are full of energy. Clients undergoing psychotherapy along this path also gain vitality, energy for new achievements, and the lost joy of being. Be aware of your “stupid part” - leave room in life for impromptu, risk, childishness, so that life does not turn into a gloomy performance of duty. Resource " "Incompetent" is close to the state described above. The meaning: when a person is entrusted with a job, he does it very badly, and next time he won’t be forced to do it. This maintains a good relationship: “I tried so hard!”, and the hope that this work will be avoided in the future. Reactions to loss: - internals “it’s your own fault!” - externals - circumstances or those around you are to blame. Both in extreme terms are harmful. Internals blame themselves for everything and take responsibility for everything, including the weather. For example, when the Challenger crashed, a teacher from New York wrote to the accident investigation department: “It’s my fault. I donated money to this project twice.” Externalities – “I am white and fluffy, I found myself in bad circumstances, this is fate, Rock!” Thus, this person is doomed to passivity, cannot change anything in his life. These qualities are formed with childhood. For example, a child hurts himself on a chair and hits him: “bad chair!” It is good that he expresses his negative emotions, it is bad that his parents do not explain to him his own contribution to this collision with the chair. A reasonable attitude towards losing. First of all, losing is an experience. It may be negative, but it is an experience that has a certain value. If you correctly analyze this experience, you can understand what exactly led to the failure, what needs to be done to avoid it in the future, and not step on the same rake a second time. This is reflected in the sayings and proverbs: “He who does nothing makes no mistakes.” doesn’t!”, “For one beaten, they give two unbeaten.”, “Learn from mistakes.” The one who does nothing makes no mistakes. You can talk and criticize for a long time, but doing something is much more difficult. (example: the situation with my diploma). If you don’t give yourself the right to make mistakes, it’s impossible to learn anything. Ways to develop the ability to lose: 1. First of all, parents need to be calm about their own losses. - see this not as a disaster, but as a valuable experience that can be analyzed; - have stable adequate self-esteem and feel good even in case of failure; - be prepared for the next loss situation, relate to it calmly: “Yes, this is unpleasant, but this is not a reason to lose heart and punish yourself!” It is necessary to convey these attitudes to the child - in conversations, through your behavior in reactions to his failures and the failures of someone close to him. 2. Together with the child, analyze his failures, see what prevented his achievements. Break down the global goal intosmaller and more achievable. See the situation in a new way, notice some advantages in it. 3. Do not punish for losing, either physically or mentally. 4.Strive to prevent the child from holding within himself negative emotions caused by failure - anger, resentment. Teach him to do this constructively, not to be ashamed of these emotions, but to recognize their right to exist. 5. To compensate, find an activity where the child would be successful. 6.Help the formation of adequate self-esteem and provide support. If there is a long period of failure, the child may develop frustration. Signs of this state: - a lot of aggression - towards the winner or towards oneself; - high anxiety: “I won’t succeed again!”; - withdrawal from difficult real situations into imaginary ones (virtual reality, fictional victories); - regression to earlier stages development, a decrease in the complexity of behavior inherent in a given age. For example, in children 5-7 years old - thumb sucking, in adolescents - playing with dolls and cars, etc. If there are signs of frustration, it is recommended to seek help from specialists in child psychology. The pressure of the “must win” social principle in our culture is especially strong on boys. Despite the establishment of legal equality of men and women in society, there is a double standard - different systems of requirements in relation to men and women. Traditional stereotypes of masculinity, disseminated by mass media, include much more standards of a winner, a win-win warrior, than stereotypes of femininity. Mastering one’s social Role behavior in boys in our society is more complex and painful than in girls. The reasons for this phenomenon are the following: 1. The identification process is difficult, because there is no role model. “Female” education predominates in society - representatives of “nurturing” professions (educators, teachers, doctors) are mostly women. 2. The time of communication with mothers is much longer than with fathers. 3. The boy is described as what he should be, but there are no real actions to demonstrate these qualities. A girl - what she should be able to do and there is a lot to do to master these skills. The requirements from parents for boys sound something like this: “You must be brave, strong-willed, strong, have a successful career in the future, have a good prestigious job, etc.” Examples some messages: “Boys don’t cry!”, “You shouldn’t show your fear, weakness!”. At the same time, there are often no real actions by which boys can learn to implement these requirements, because Housework is traditionally considered women's work, and plowing, sowing, and hunting are no longer necessary as before. The image of a “real man” in the public consciousness is set unusually harshly; any behavioral deviations from this image are ostracized and cruelly ridiculed. On the contrary, the range of images of a “real woman” is quite wide, and one can be one without chronic winning. For example: a caring wife and mother, the eminence grise in the family, a romantic young lady, an emancipated Amazon, a business woman - all these images allow for the possibility of failure. But for the image of a “real man”, which is broadcast by mass media, this is impossible - he must defeat competitors constantly - in the fight for women, prestigious jobs, power. Perhaps this is one of the reasons for the emergence of male homosexuality, when representatives of the stronger sex consciously refuse own masculinity, so as not to participate in the competitive struggle. Another form of reaction to the rigid stereotype of a “real man” is various informal groups: rockers, bikers, sports fans, skinheads, Satanists, etc. These groups have a lot of paraphernalia that emphasizes external masculinity and aggressiveness: leather jackets with wide shoulders, heavy rough boots, chains, metal rivets and spikes, symbols of death. These groups allow you to develop your own masculinity in ways alternative to society; the cult of the winner is very strong there.