Many years ago I was not yet a psychologist, but worked in a large office as a programmer. The staff, on the whole, were nice and welcoming. And there was one colleague there... we had a project for two, with whom I had an unpleasant story...... Then I began to love myself and bought expensive, delicious coffee. Of course, since our tables were located next to each other, out of politeness, I treated him too. But he turned out to be either too simple or too arrogant. I myself constantly and for no reason began to offer to “drink some coffee,” claiming that my coffee was very tasty. I could, of course, simply refuse him, you say, what’s the problem? But the fact of the matter was that I didn’t I could have refused. I was possessed by the fear that others might see my real “I”, that they would understand: I love myself more than anyone. What right do I have to demand respectful treatment of me and my money? After all, I can offend someone? Do I feel sorry for the coffee? With such a high salary? And what will nice people think of me after this: “I had a fight with a good guy over coffee, what a bitch...” and these sidelong glances.... Horror, horror! At the moment I understand, that it’s not at all difficult to refuse correctly, but at that moment I didn’t want to spoil the relationship, so I just continued to share coffee. Share and get mad, get mad and share... As a result, my internal contradictions led me to a “brilliant solution” - I I bought another coffee, the cheapest one, and put it in the nightstand. I poured good coffee for myself, but bad coffee for my colleague. At first he did not suspect anything and I angrily rejoiced at my clever deception. And then, of course, he guessed. He is, after all, a programmer :-) And he was terribly offended... But actually, it’s true, this is a sneaky act, and I regret that I couldn’t come to an agreement with myself then, and at first I generously endured it, pretending to be infinitely kind a soul, which I was not, and then turned into a petty bitch, which I was not at all! But in fact, there are many options for solving this problem, without any offense. I notice that people very often encounter similar seemingly petty situations. But since such situations occur almost every day in everyone’s life, at work, at home, with friends, with children, then, not being able to refuse and express ourselves normally and not harshly, we constantly experience cycles of “Patience, endless patience - explosion, conflict , scandal - patience, endless patience -..." etc. Now I know how to deal with such situations in my life and, if you are interested, I will teach you too - at the training of psychological boundaries “How to negotiate”. I would like to note the main thing : First of all, you need to admit to yourself what is happening. I didn't have the courage then. I thought that all this was not friendly, although in my heart I did not want to share the coffee. This was my true self at that moment. I didn't admit it in time. What matters is how we feel and how we understand ourselves, and actions and actions are the second step. Of course, you shouldn’t always open up completely to others, but the main thing is to be honest with yourself. We analyze many such cases in practice, performing training exercises; We are looking for unique solutions depending on your personality and the situation itself. More information about the training of psychological boundaries: http://www.refleksia.ru/borders Enjoy your coffee and negotiations :-) Sincerely, psychologist Alla Chugueva.