After the next “I tried to forgive, but I still feel offended”, I realized that this scourge of “forgiveness through force” needs to be fought not only within the framework of private consultations, but also through for wider coverage. We called the client and she told me her story. My mother passed away almost 15 years ago, but the resentment towards her remained and continues to poison my life. She was never around, she was young, she wanted to walk, enjoy life. There was no concern for the child, she could disappear for several days, or even a week, she promised to come soon, but did not come. This “soon” became the client’s most hated word. When the mother was nearby, she formally paid attention to the child, could hug her, and then said “that’s it, go” and the child never received true warmth, tenderness, care. At the age of 14, the girl began to suffer from bulimia and cannot get rid of this problem still. To unravel the tangle of our grievances against our parents, it is important to understand what resentment is and how it is formed. In childhood, the child is completely dependent on the parent and it is important for him to maintain a connection with the parental figure for his well-being, and sometimes even survival. This dependence and weaker position does not allow the child to defend himself before the parent when his interests are infringed or basic needs are not satisfied. That is, at the moment when a child feels bad, he has a feeling of healthy aggression towards the one who is the source of this “badness,” but he cannot express it, because “don’t yell at your mother!”, “shut your mouth!”, “now I'll give you a belt!" and other arguments familiar to many...At the same time, aggression is suppressed by the child, but does not disappear anywhere, lying in layers deep in the psyche, and resentment comes in its place. At its core, resentment is a childish, immature way of influencing others in order to make them feel guilty. In this safer way for himself, the child tries to restore internal justice, to take revenge on the offender without resorting to direct confrontation. At the same time, true aggression is not experienced and does not find a way out, since only its targeted expression can neutralize this emotional charge. Addressed in this case means expressing an emotion to the person to whom it was originally directed. In the case of a child, this is most often a mother, father, or other significant adult figure. Now that we have looked at the mechanism of formation of resentment, it becomes clear why it does not go away when we try to forgive our parents with an effort of will, explain their actions to ourselves logically, and resort to our rationality. At this moment, we use our adult part and consciousness, while the resentment lives in our childish part and at the emotional level. It is working with unlived emotions and addressing them that is the key to liberation from grievances. No matter how paradoxical it may sound, the path to sincere forgiveness lies through aggression. And when the entire information space and society encourages you to be positive, forgive and thank, the psychologist will lead you in the exact opposite direction. But how can you specifically express emotions to someone who is no longer alive? The fact is that for our psyche the world that surrounds us and our inner world are equally real. For example, when we eat a lemon and when we imagine that we are eating a lemon, our body gives the same reaction - active salivation, we can wince and even feel this taste. Thanks to this property, we can mentally express emotions towards other people and receive the same healing effect as if we interacted with them in reality. Of course, there are some nuances here, but the main thing is to start. Let's return to our client. I asked her to remember her most vivid and early memory, when she felt abandoned next to her mother and it was very difficult for her. She remembered a time when she was very sick and wanted her mother to put her to bed and stay with her for a while. Mom was drinking in the kitchen with friends at that time. The girl approached her mother several times, but every timeI heard in response: “Lie down and warm the bed, I’ll come soon.” Mom never came. The client shared that this phrase “lie down, warm the bed” still often sounds in her head and causes severe pain. I asked the client to observe this scene from the side, tell what the girl looks like, what she is feeling now. She had very sad eyes and a feeling of stone on her heart. The client's voice trembled and tears flowed. I invited her, at her current age, to “enter” this room and become a participant in the events. When the client found herself little in her thoughts, she wanted to take the girl by the hand so that she could feel that she was not alone. Next, I suggested turning to the mother and saying everything that I wanted to say about her behavior, because now that the client is an adult, she is able to defend herself, now it is safe. The woman withdrew into herself; she could feel the deep inner work she was doing at that moment, how much pain was finally finding its way out. In her fantasies, she screamed at her mother and was indignant at how she could do this to her own child. These were precisely those sincere, real emotions that a person carried within himself all his life like a stone in his heart and was even afraid to admit them to himself, because “you can’t be angry with your mother” ..... Then the client turned to her little self, imagined how she was planting the girl on her knees, hugs, calms, strokes her head. Tears flowed down her cheeks; at that moment she received the warmth and attention that she was not given as a child. When I asked if the client had done everything she wanted, she said that there was one very important thing left to do. In her imagination, she took the girl by the hand, took her to the bedroom, lay down with her on the bed and finally lulled the child who had been waiting and warming the bed all these years on that ill-fated day.... When we finished the practice, the client felt great relief, liberation and sadness. Sadness is the same healthy and unlived emotion that often comes after the expression of aggression. There is no need to run away from it, try to distract yourself, it is important to give it space and live, then it will go away on its own and true relief will come. During the period of sadness, it is important to give yourself care: hug yourself, make tea, wrap yourself in a warm blanket, give yourself time to be in peace. When sadness is lived through, the situation that has poisoned life for a long time will lose its influence on us and will be perceived as an experience. And only after this will it be possible to talk about the possibility of sincere forgiveness. Next, the client had a large stage of work to live and express her suppressed emotions. She had several questions, the answers to which I will provide below.1. What if I tell my mom everything I think, but it won’t be enough, the anger will still remain? In our fantasies, we can do whatever we want. If, when expressing emotions, you want to push a person, pull a person’s hand, or otherwise exert physical influence, you can safely imagine this. The degree and method of expression of aggression in this case does not carry ANY restrictions. Give yourself freedom and don't think that makes you a terrible person.2. What if I can’t remember other situations to work through? In a calm state, it can really be difficult for us to remember something negative. In this case, it is recommended to go from sensations. For example, a situation arose in the present that greatly affected you emotionally. At this moment, it is important to recognize what exactly you are feeling right now. For example, your husband doesn’t answer his phone all evening, you feel bad because you feel abandoned and insignificant. And then ask yourself: “When have I felt so abandoned before?” Based on the feeling, you can remember, for example, that they once forgot to pick you up from kindergarten, all the children were already taken away, and they couldn’t reach your mother by phone. And you are already working with this situation.3. And if there were too many situations, will it take me the same number of years to work through them? Fortunately, no. Having worked through the key grievances, you will feel how the influence of all the others will weaken!