The founding fathers of humanistic psychology (Abraham Maslow, Rollo May and Carl Rogers) believed that people can be conditionally divided into those who have open needs for security, self-identification, and love , in respect, belonging to something and who actively seeks to fill the “deficit”; and those who are self-sufficient, who have fulfilled their basic needs and are focused on further development. From here we can see two types of relationships between a man and a woman. Deficit-oriented people view relationships in terms of their necessity and usefulness. These people are extremely dependent on others, they feverishly seek relationships because they see them as an opportunity to make up for what they lack. And they are not interested in those aspects of a potential partner that are not related to the satisfaction of their own needs. The so-called infantile love or need-love is consistent with this type of motivation in building relationships. This is an immature type of love, the motto of which is: I love you because I need you. These relationships are characterized by an uneven distribution of power. The leading partner is usually inclined to openly or secretly control the other, dominate, resort to passive aggression, intimidate, shame, and play on feelings of guilt. Being in such a relationship, we, as a rule, are completely absorbed by our partner, lose ourselves and forget about our hobbies and communication with other people. All this sooner or later leads to codependency, from which it is extremely difficult to get out. A person is self-sufficient, growth-oriented, needs less attachment to others, he is self-confident, much less dependent on others, and he looks at relationships as an opportunity for his own and his partner’s further development. Based on sincere interest in each other, a “non-egoistic” or healthy love. People look at each other as complex, unique, whole beings. Mature love says: I need you because I love you. In such relationships there is less anxiety, partners are more independent, selfless, altruistic, less jealous and supportive. They do not change each other and do not look at relationships as a constant struggle for power. Of course, these relationships are not free from problems and conflicts, but they are resolved much more productively. Being in a healthy relationship, we accept each other as we are, with all the advantages and disadvantages, quirks and whims - in the end, because It is this uniqueness and personal characteristics that we once chose each other. And most importantly: it depends only on us which of the two options of love to choose and which relationships to build. All in our hands. I would be grateful for comments! I invite you to subscribe to my telegram channel “Notes of a Psychologist”: https://t.me/psych_notes And sign up for an in-person or online consultation: +79222155185 (whatsapp). Email:: [email protected]