Enough time has passed since the “iron curtain” was raised, closing the Soviet Union from the “corruptive breath of the West” and the heady wind of change stopped tickling the nostrils and intoxicating the head. And we were surprised to discover that the “wind of change” not only “dispelled stagnation,” but also “introduced Western garbage” onto our television and the complexity of “American freedom of choice” into our lives. Now you can go wherever you want, if only you have the money; think and talk about everything - democracy allows everything, because now no one cares about your humble opinion... All the former Soviet people took a big breath of freedom, no longer feeling the hand of “big brother on their throat” (I wanted to use the word “helmsman”, but I’m afraid that they won’t understand L) and “the throat is sore from the fact that our child,” also “breathing in the Western air” emanating from cartoons, Snickers, Barbie, and probably just from the window, decided to declare his rights to freedom of speech and self-expression... It was here that the ancestors took their breath away from the words, if there was a policeman nearby, you could pay a fine, or even worse... You can say everything, well, or almost everything, but certainly not in front of the children... Somehow catching your breath and calming yourself down in the words of the ancient sages that: Our world has reached a critical stage. Children no longer obey their parents. Apparently, the end of the world is not very far away. (Ancient Egyptian papyrus. 2 thousand years BC) These youth are corrupted to the core. Young people are malicious and negligent. They will never be like the youth of old times. The younger generation of today will not be able to preserve our culture. (Assyrian cuneiform. 10th century BC) I have lost all hope for the future of our country if today’s youth takes the reins of power tomorrow, for these youth are unbearable, uncontrollable, simply terrible. (Hesiod, ancient Greek poet. Late 8th century BC) Our youth loves luxury, they are poorly educated, they mock their superiors and have no respect for the elderly. Our current children have become tyrants, they do not stand up when an elderly person enters the room, they contradict their parents. Simply put, they are very bad. (Socrates, ancient Greek philosopher. 5th century BC) Young people believe that they are natural, when in fact they are simply ill-mannered and rude. (François de La Rochefoucauld, French thinker. 17th century) Having quoted all this ancient wisdom and realized that “neither I am the first, nor am I the last” and somehow calmed ourselves with this thought, we begin to look for the wise thoughts of our contemporaries, drawn from the literature on education: - So how did they talk about this deviation... or division... What kind of word is that?! No, I don’t remember...Oh, these “scientist-teachers”, their own children would have heard, if they had any at all. After all, they say that nature rests on children... I wish I could lie down on them and rest!... So what should I do with mine?! So what did my grandmother say? “The rein hit..., The fool hit...”, what’s next – the belt! No! This is not modern and not pedagogical, my mother did not raise me like that! So, I need to remember what else I read there... “Negativism”... Here’s another word!... As far as I remember, a negative is when a photographer’s film is all blacks. What does this have to do with children?! We need to remember something! So deviation or negativism?!... Don’t remember? Let's figure it out together: Let's start with what kind of word “deviation” is. Suppose you are lucky, and you are choking on the “air of freedom” no longer in our country, but traveling along the spacious roads of the Western world and here is a familiar picture - road repairs and an arrow indicating a detour and on it that same inscription diviacia. Variants of spelling are possible, depending on the country and the level of education of the workers, but in any case, both the arrow and the inscription mean a detour - there is another road there. It’s understandable that you say, road repair is a known thing to us, but what does this have to do with psychology and education?! Oddly enough, the most direct (that’s the pun J). Let me explain with an example: A child rides around the house on hiscar (it’s good to have a large apartment J) and commands himself to “detour”, bumping into a table leg or dad’s legs and everyone is happy, because the child is still driving under the supervision of his parents, and not the traffic police, and there is money to make repairs after his “ DPP" J. But the mood of the parents changes sharply when the child tries to go around not obstacles for his car, but obstacles for himself - his desires, that is, to drive “under the brick” of prohibitions (for those who don’t remember, I remind you. “Brick " is a road sign indicating a prohibition of passage - a round sign with a white rectangle in the middle). Just like traffic police inspectors, parents are trying to tell the child that he “drove in the wrong place” and, it would seem, everything should be simple - the child should listen to us and from now on do the right thing, but that was not the case... Remember what you often saw on roads and in detective films? That's right, a long conversation with the inspector in different intonations and with different approaches: from look what kind of American president stuck to my rights, to You know who my uncle works for and what he will do to you if you don’t let me go right away or like in the movies, a race with pursuit and subsequent punishment. So is a child, he really wants to go his own way, but your rules and restrictions only interfere with him... This is where this term DEVIANT BEHAVIOR (lat. deviatio - deviation) arose - behavior that deviates from accepted legal or moral norms (this can also include bad habits, but more on that in another topic). Why is this happening? Yes, because your baby is growing! Everything was very simple, while the child was very small - fed, changed, put to bed and, if healthy, sleeping - you can go about your business. And now, as soon as he crawled, there is already a whole world in front of him and he is looking for his place, in this world exploring its capabilities and his abilities. It is precisely the growing abilities of the child and the limited capabilities of the parents that create the cause of this conflict called “deviant behavior.” All parents want their children to become “big people”, but to certainly remain their children... The first is of course possible, but it doesn’t happen to everyone, the second is possible only in passport terms... Children grow up becoming people, and people, as we know, “ king of nature” and there is no way for him to escape his Royal Responsibilities. What do I mean? Not at all what Alla Pugacheva sang about J, love is of course evil, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Unlike animals, humans do not have strictly determined instincts that make them a bright representative of their species. Nowadays it has become customary to talk a lot about the instinctive nature of man, to which it is necessary to return in order to gain health and well-being, I don’t think so, but that’s not what we’re talking about, but about the fact that although evolution brought us from monkeys to the current state, it did not leave us the inheritance of specific reflexes that make us human. A bird, for example, does not learn to fly for seven years, like we did at the institute, and a cat does not need to catch mice, but with a person everything is much more complicated. When we are born, we are not human by definition, only potentially human. We have to learn literally everything, something that you would envy animals for, especially in the zoo J. At least once in a person’s life he thinks: “Why am I not a bird, and why don’t I bark” or “To be like a bird of the air is not to reap?” , don’t sow - don’t worry about tomorrow.” That’s why he thinks that a person does not have strictly determined reflexes telling him who to be and what to do, so he toils with the existential question “What to do?” But even when someone comes who says that he knows exactly what to do, doubts do not disappear - such is the nature of man to seek his own path and always doubt, and all this is because nature did not give man reflexes, like animals, which would all they decided for him. You can object to me by saying: “But what about the followers of sects who follow the shepherd without hesitation?!” It's great that you care about this! Firstly, this means that your deviation is your own path of the Mind and you do not needshepherds asking you for donations, it’s wonderful your deviation did not lead you too far from common sense, so as not to listen to the voices of not your own or someone else’s mind, but to act “as God puts it in your soul.” By the way, this is also a deviation, but not a creative one, which happens in children - looking for their place in life or in geniuses - looking for a solution that has not previously occurred to anyone, but rather, on the contrary, criminal - forcing one to act contrary to the law, or psychopathological - forcing one to go against common sense... But I won’t talk about this here, leaving “crime” to law enforcement agencies, and psychopathology to people in white coats. I want to talk about how a child is looking for himself, his character, his place in life, and this phenomenon makes parents grab their hearts or their belts instead of remembering their childhood... The parents with whom I had to talk are usually divided into two categories. Some declared: “What are you saying, I was an obedient child!”, while others, in an attempt to relieve themselves of any responsibility for mistakes in upbringing, made excuses: “He’s like his father! (grandmother, grandfather, etc.)” How I would like not to disappoint them! But, unfortunately, geneticists have proven that this is not so! An adult is determined not by how he was born, but by how he was raised! The environment and evolution over millions of years have formed feathers in birds, gills in fish, and so on, and a person, during his short stay on earth, is made by his environment, that is, the people who surround him and the living conditions that create for him. And you shouldn’t believe in the Brave New World (O. Huxley) and genetic engineering, which will make future generations smarter and better. Smarter - perhaps in the future humanity will become a little smarter, but this will not replace the main principle of becoming a human being. Because only the people surrounding a small person (child) determine what kind of big person (adult) he will become. So, how do you feel about a child’s independent choice, which, oddly enough, so often runs counter to yours? Firstly, before using all your might to return him “to the true path,” think about what kind of life you are preparing him for. Are you preparing a flexible builder of a “bright future” in some sect? Then continue to discourage the child from any initiative of his own thinking in all possible ways. If not, remember that you and he belong to the same species, Homo Sapiens, i.e. you are reasonable people and as long as two (or more) are able to conduct a dialogue, it is possible to understand the reasonableness of the other’s arguments and, therefore, come to an agreement. Great, you say, but what should you talk about with your child when he doesn’t talk? I will answer you, as someone who is already capable of understanding speech and accepting the arguments of reason, even more simply. The child's interest at this age is unstable and versatile; it is enough to provide him with something no less interesting and the problem is solved. But at an older age, you shouldn’t use this method; the child may suspect you of deception, you won’t even notice it, and then goodbye trust and convincing dialogue. I would like to remind you once again that the art of pedagogy is not entertaining toys or some secrets, but a confidential dialogue - it is this that changes beliefs and motives, and, consequently, the thinking and behavior of both a child and an adult. Second, it is naive to believe that your authority as a Terrible Parent will remain with you for the rest of your life. This does not exist even in the animal world; an elderly leader, at best, is put in the same position as young animals (they do not have the right to gloss and receive food last), and at best, they can be kicked out altogether. So, if you don’t want to repeat the fate of Akella from Kipling’s fairy tale, raise your Mowgli as a Human. What exactly should you do? Yes, not so much for a person - you need to be able to talk to a child! Phrases like: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!” This is good as long as the child feels your moral and physical power over him, and do not hope that this power will last forever, once the formerthe child will get rid of your power by finding himself a stronger “parent” in the form of a totalitarian shepherd, or simply declaring that your time is over, that now he himself is strong. You can be convinced quite early that such a behavior scenario is possible. Of course, a four-year-old child will not pack up his things, declaring that he will live separately, but he can begin to act in ways possible for him, doing everything that is called “to spite you,” and this behavior is precisely what is called child negativism. It (children's negativism) can develop gradually or appear “in one day.” Regardless of this, dads and moms “suddenly” notice that their nice, adorable, good-natured and rather helpless baby has unexpectedly turned into a small but determined stubborn person who is trying to run away from them, kicking and throwing things, whose main argument is the word “NO! " When you finally began to notice that your baby already has his own opinion, although for this he had to go to extreme measures in his behavior. Believe me, no one “coded him, didn’t jinx him”: the child refuses to fulfill the request not because he doesn’t want it, now it is much more important for him to show independence, his opinion, and if he is not taken seriously enough, not listening to feelings , he can express himself only by disobeying the will of an adult. In this situation, I can not only sympathize with you, but also help you with advice (only if “Your Deviation” allows you to listen to my words). These tips are needed not only for those whose children have already begun to show deviant or negativistic traits, but also for all loving parents who are not indifferent to the future of their children and their own old age. – The rules must be clear to children. (Forget the phrase: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”) – A child should have not only responsibilities, but also a field for his own self-realization – do not make a child “a cog in a big machine of a family or state, he may rust ahead of time " A child very often does not know how to express his feelings, how to get rid of their oppression, you can read about this in my other works and learn even more about the world of childhood and how children live in it. - Communicate demands and reminders calmly, irritation of an adult will only strengthen the child’s negative reaction to the ban - remember the saying of the ancients that rings so loudly against our recent president: “Boris, you’re angry - you’re wrong!” “Righteous anger”, irritation – is perceived as uncertainty or inability to cope with the situation. Don’t be angry, don’t be irritated - take pity on your authority in the eyes of the child. And most importantly, be patient and common sense, do not expect immediate results. Remember, children grow up quickly and not all mistakes in life can be corrected - the worst mistake we can make is an overlooked mistake in parenting. Forget the myth that children forgive everything, they don’t understand anything, they don’t remember anything from their childhood - talk to a good psychoanalyst, he, without naming names, will tell you many stories about what hell sometimes happens in the soul of a child, and his parents will recognize him they will find out about it very late or not at all. Pay attention to what your child draws, what seems to you as scribbles, a good psychologist can tell you a lot, not only about the state of mind and development of your child, but also about what he no longer dares to tell you... (If he refuses at all drawing is a very bad thing. You managed to drive a child into such a trap from which it is impossible to write letters or there is no one else L) This story is not intended for specialists, I hope that they are already professionals in their field, but for all those who have. children or is just planning to have them. In order to understand more about the world of childhood, you need to “open your mind and soul,” only then will the advice turn out to be useful, and in the future you will not be tormented by the question of how this happened: “We put our whole soul into him (her), and such a criminally deviant grew up , negativist (or how.