From the author: The article was written in one breath, from the bottom of my heart, In the Name of Love and for it, in the name of ideas about maturity, integrity and awareness in feelings... Known that in order to ask someone for anything, you need to know if they have trust in you in their emotional bank account. And, in principle, if your account is reset to zero, further relationships have exhausted themselves. They are no longer productive. If this happens at work, you don't have to worry so much. After all, it is possible to change the organization, transfer to another. Or at least communicate less with those with whom you failed to establish relationships. Although, sometimes, this is basically impossible. But it’s better, of course, to always start with yourself. Do you understand what's wrong with me? How did I cause such an attitude towards myself? Why am I so often disappointed in people? Things are worse when the account is zeroed at home. You come to your husband/wife. And they don't hear you anymore. He, the only one, stopped understanding you. And it will never, never be the same again. One day my daughter and I decided that my husband, her father, should quit smoking. Such simple things as persuasion, reproaches, creation of positive motivation, manipulation with feelings of guilt no longer had any effect. And we tried to write plans: a) and b), and c). We scattered pictures of Schwarzenegger around the house, pasting in our husband's face. We told him how much we wanted to see a healthy dad. But everything turned out to be useless. He smoked while sitting in the car, staying there for this purpose under various pretexts. He smoked when he went to buy bread, he smoked everywhere and always. And even when he promised that this was the last and last time. And even when I got a new job. And even when he left her. And still he came up with different excuses. He always found a reason. Because he had no reason not to smoke anymore. It turns out that there was simply NO ONE TO QUIT SMOKING FOR. And so, after reading Stephen Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” I discovered, or rather, I felt unconsciously that in our emotional banking the account is no longer trusted. In such cases, there is nothing more to value. Neither him nor me. WE CAN ALREADY DO ANYTHING. Reproaches will not help, because the main value - trust - has been exhausted. When I began to closely study this issue: the issue of increasing deposits in his bank of trust. I realized that this is not easy. It turns out that in order to make deposits into his emotional bank account: to understand him, clarify his expectations, be attentive to little things and appreciate him for who he is, apologize to him, I have to completely change myself. I must become a whole person. How to become a whole person? And here, at this stage, I asked myself: why do I need to be a whole person? (question about the meaning of life). Just because it's good? There is no meaning for the sake of meaning. No, this is not true, “nobody needs naked philosophy,” I thought. There is a higher truth, a goal - “I want to be happy” - that’s why! So: how to become a whole person? First of all, I introduced myself to my values. Now a range of tasks and obligations appears. Just live with understanding. In this situation, live with the understanding that the world does not always meet my expectations. The husband will smoke, and perhaps he will continue to smoke. You need to understand the other, and, in principle, I understand this. Otherwise, when we want to change someone “in spite of”, everything will remain the same. Because it's manipulation. You need to do it “for the sake of it,” but remember that sometimes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” So, I agree with my husband’s position and accept his concept into practice. Perhaps at this stage it’s easier for him. And now I get up with this thought every day. I am learning to understand without judging. But here we need maturity. You need maturity so as not to fall into the hole of servility and self-forgetfulness. How to become a mature person? “Maturity is a balance of courage and sensitivity,” I interpret the phrase from the book. I showed sensitivity and patience. I allowed it, mentally imagined how I could allow himbe yourself. I patiently believe that as long as he is here and now with a cigarette in his hands, that’s a given. You need to learn to accept givens without grieving, without regret, without reproaching. It is necessary to support a person in his grief, in his silent protest, in his restless despair, in depression. And this is compassion. This is the highest form of empathy. And that's great. But still another kind of courage is needed. Courage that the one on the other end of the synergy does not possess. The courage to win, the courage to pull him out of this state, the courage to support without judging, without pretending, without chasing the philosophy of justice, rightness, faith in God, and so on. After all, there are so many philosophies, but there is only one life. And then I realized that I had to do something. Courage is about doing something. We need to save ourselves. And yet, what will be my personal courage of salvation? Probably, courage in my case is, first of all, staying in your positions. I want my husband to quit smoking, but not only do I want this, the universe wants it. Because smoking is bad for your health! And health is a necessary attribute of happiness. And happiness is not divided into two. I can't be happy separately. But if you are happy, I am happy too. Happiness increases. It turns out that we are codependent in happiness. And if the one who is next to him is unhappy, the rest who are next to him will not see happiness. And now, in such a situation of dependence, I have no choice but to clarify my expectations. After all, happiness is so important. Does my happiness really depend on this particular person becoming a better person - quitting smoking, taking up development, and so on. I’ll shorten and exaggerate: my happiness depends on whether he quits smoking. And then I came up with a formula for clarifying my expectations: what if he NEVER quits smoking. Will I accept him this way, or should I remain unhappy if I cannot change him? The question is blunt: change principles or adapt? Or maybe he is happy because he smokes. Maybe this is his kind of compensation, self-defense, position: don’t touch me, I’m eternally depressed. Avoidance of responsibility, weakness, reactivity. This and that did not work out, life failed in some small detail. But the little things are a lot. The little things are important. Probably his happiness is that he desperately smokes, desperately ruins himself in order to somehow compensate for what he failed. “If I couldn’t live, then at least let me die!” - he declares! And now someone, like the wife from the improvement committee, has come and calls for being responsible, has come and calls for being wise, has come and calls for justice. And he has not yet matured. To be mature is to be courageous, it is to stand your ground. You can be mature alone. And I must be mature to be happy, because by being mature, I give an understanding of maturity to others. Perhaps their time will come. And maybe not now. Being mature does not mean forcing things. To be mature is to remain in your positions despite the fact that those with whom you once kept pace have already given up. Despite the fact that there is no good synergy here. Maturity is awareness, it is acceptance of reality. Maturity is an understanding of the givens of existence (death, freedom, loneliness, meaninglessness). But there is one more nuance in this understanding. When I am happy and mature, I will be able to make someone else happy. And if I have such a task, then the problem is solvable. After all, this is how I develop a mentality of sufficiency. How to develop a mentality of sufficiency? With every cigarette, there is less and less trust. But why does my trust have to be measured in cigarettes? After all, there are so many good things around. Why do I need to hit one point? Because “it is much nobler to devote yourself to one person than to work hard to save the masses” Dag Hammar-skjöld - former UN Secretary General. Noble, that's what it's all about! To die the death of the brave, having lost the trust in one person - is this the highest value? Or give your trust to many? That's a moot point.