Women's loneliness I'm leaving for the winter, the boring cold has made my soul dance like a snowstorm. I haven't needed anyone at all for a long time, I've become close friends with loneliness. The desire to write an article about women's loneliness was born to me a long time ago. The fact is that this topic often arises during psychological counseling. Women of different ages, appearance, social status ask the same question: “Where can I find a man?” (To be fair, it must be said that many people note that there are men, but they are either “busy” or...) At first glance, this is a very simple question, and if you answer it, then you need to list for a long time the places where men “hang out” ", ranging from public transport, cafes, supermarkets, gyms, theaters, concerts, galleries, exhibitions, etc. But to follow this path means to get into a dead end, since women know all this very well and themselves. Moreover, many of them took more decisive steps towards realizing their desire: they used the services of matchmakers, marriage agencies, for months, and some even for years, “sat” on a dating site, etc. But for some reason nothing works out - the “wrong ones” come across. And here a woman sits at a consultation who says that she wants to start a family, talks about the fact that she changed her entire wardrobe for this purpose, and took special courses, but the result null. In general, she concludes with regret that her prince has not yet been born, or at least has not yet grown up. But seriously, in reality she suffers from her loneliness, the feeling of emptiness and uselessness of life. These feelings eat away at her from the inside and she feels deeply unhappy. And no shopping, no sweets, trips, friends can make her feel truly happy. All holidays for her are days on which she wishes only one thing: they would end soon. But why is she alone? What is this? Evil fate? Fate? Damage? Or something else? What is the reason? As practice shows, each case has its own reason, but behind all of them there is one main one. But let's take things in order. There are a number of reasons that come to the surface most often, I propose to consider them. The first of the most common reasons: WAITING FOR AN IDEAL MAN. The search for an ideal is the path leading to loneliness. The woman who painted an ideal for herself did everything to remain alone. There are simply no ideal men. What about men, there are no ideal people. This means that you can suffer, that the world is not ideal, that there is no prince in a white Mercedes, and much more. Such women like to quote Omar Khayyam: “...Remember two important rules to begin with: You are better off starving than eating anything, And it’s better to be alone than with just anyone.” I understand perfectly well that a woman with a higher education has a certain social status, your own apartment and car, you want to find a man of your own circle, or at least not an alcoholic and a parasite - and that’s normal. But the fact is that even if she meets such a person on her way, she still devalues ​​him, finding some “flaw” in him. Since our mind is capable of interpreting any truth, any reality in its own way, just to justify its behavior, i.e. myself. And behind everything, as a rule, there is one main reason, but we will talk about it at the end. The second common reason for loneliness: UNACCEPTANCE OF YOURSELF. A woman with low self-esteem is constantly in a state of self-flagellation and self-criticism. She constantly thinks that no one will love her, constantly criticizes her appearance, age, etc. She plunges herself into a state of despondency, disappointment and even depression. For such women, not only does nothing work out in their personal lives, but they also have failures in other areas one after another. Because the worst thing for a person is lack of self-confidence. It can be difficult to work with such women because their vital energy is low. And even when a man sincerely gives them a compliment, they easily ignore it, not believing in sincerity, and thereby become even more closed in theirloneliness. The third reason for loneliness: PAST EXPERIENCE. There are two sides to this. The first is the attitude “I will never find someone better than him.” After breaking up with a loved one, some women tend to exaggerate, attributing non-existent qualities to their ex. Therefore, a man who begins to show interest in such a woman has no chance. How can you compete with the ideal? Even if a worthy man is next to her, and everyone tells her about it, she chooses to live in the past, in pleasant memories. She feels comfortable and calm in them - this is understandable; in this case, she does not need to take risks and build new relationships. The second side is the fear that the new relationship will be a continuation of the past. This often happens if the previous relationship was difficult. Especially if the husband beat, drank, walked, did not bring money into the house... And no amount of persuasion to forget the past will help here, resentment and pain are the feelings that fill the soul of such a woman. Looking back to the past, it is impossible to build new relationships. But I have a question about something else. If, say, a year has passed, and the woman still continues to live in the past, then what is this? Why is she holding on to this? What's the benefit? And, as a rule, there is a benefit, but more on that a little later. The fourth, no less common reason for loneliness: A NARROW CIRCLE OF SOCIETY. For such women, their whole life is one deep rut “home - work”. At work - work, and besides, the team is female, there are a couple of men, but at work - no, no. And at home there is a TV. Where would we be without it, it has everything: favorite TV series, interesting programs, for example, “Let’s Get Married,” and news (where would we be without them?), and concerts, and gossip about stars, and crime, in general, everything and you can't list it. I’m not even talking about household chores, and the fact that sometimes you just want to lie down and lie down with a book. So, there are many reasons for loneliness, you can continue listing them, but what will this give? Moreover, I will say that women themselves often understand perfectly well what they need to do, what to change in their behavior, understanding alone is not enough. Therefore, when they ask me why everything is like this in my life, why I am lonely, I avoid “discovering the truth,” because I know that the truth is valuable only when a person discovers it himself. For example, given the fact that we know that it is useful to do exercises in the morning, who does it? Units. So here, if I say: “Darling, you need to visit different public places more often and show feminine initiative,” then I’m sure she will nod her head, agreeing with my recommendation, but will spend the evening watching TV or reading a book. Of course, you can give her various homework tasks, and at the next consultation strictly accept the report on the work done, but this will lead to her either becoming dependent and submitting to the “wisdom” of the psychologist, or simply stopping going to consultations. Where is the way out of loneliness? Here, as they say, everything is simple and not simple. The whole point lies in the internal conflict. Conflict between want and fear. Namely, a woman consciously wants to have a close relationship with a man, she sincerely wants a man to be next to her and may even know him by sight. She is really tired of being alone, she suffers in the evenings when she is left alone with herself. But at the same time, she is afraid to take risks, she is afraid to leave the zone of tolerable discomfort. Yes, she is lonely, but she does what she wants in the evenings, and she is very sad on weekends and holidays, but she doesn’t have to report to anyone where she went. And there are a lot of yes and buts, and this creates an internal conflict. The main problem of internal conflict is that neither desire nor resistance can win, hence the impasse that lasts for years. Even if a woman is aware of all this, she most often cannot cope with it herself; the power of resistance is greater than the power of desire. Moreover, the resistance is so cunning that each time it “comes up” with an intellectual justification for loneliness (reasons). Therefore, it does not matter what the reason is