Conflict... So much in this word... Hmmm. A good, succinct word-term. Each of us has our own associations with it, and at the same time they are united by a certain common “trouble”. This is understandable: even Wikipedia says that conflict is usually accompanied by negative emotions. And this is the very reason why it would be better to avoid conflicts in the family: after all, communication with loved ones is not an area where it is appropriate to sow and reap negative emotions. And yet, our life cannot do without conflicts, which means the question is how we can utilize conflicts and even derive benefit from them for relationships (we will talk about the misinterpretation in the direction of “deriving benefit for oneself” in the next chapter). So, as a rule, when people talk about conflict, they mean some kind of external clash, more or less violent. But any external conflict begins with an internal one, namely: conflict occurs when one or another human need is not satisfied. That is, there is a need, but there is no satisfaction (here, either - of course, conditionally - an objective or a subjective reason is involved: again, we are talking about beliefs that prevent the need from being satisfied or recognizing it as satisfied). And as part of this conversation, let's remember the classic pyramid of needs according to A. Maslow. At the very bottom, at the base of the pyramid, there are physiological needs (1): food, water, sleep, sexual release, etc. Slightly higher is the need for security (2). Above it is the need for love (3). Even higher – in recognition and respect (4). Next are cognitive needs (5), aesthetic needs (6) and, at the top of the pyramid, the need for self-actualization (7). It is no coincidence that this structure is called a pyramid: it has a base and a top, and the success of moving to the top depends on the stability and reliability of all previous “steps”. The same needs inherent in an individual also exist in the family as a social system. We have already talked about this earlier and will talk in the future, but for now let's look at one very interesting technique that helps deal with many conflict situations in the family - in the most seemingly unexpected and even very pleasant ways. This is a conflict management system proposed by the American psychologist Catherine Qualls. It was developed and recommended for use in parent-child relationships, but practice shows that it is excellent for married couples and not only (in principle, it is applicable to any interpersonal conflicts).K. Qualls identifies 4 stages (levels) of conflict. You can determine the stage of a conflict with a person (and, therefore, the way to resolve it) ... by your own emotions. Those. Depending on what need is not satisfied in the person with whom we are in conflict, we experience certain feelings towards him. And knowing what this need is, we can not only suppress the development of the conflict (although suppressing the conflict in itself is very, very unlikely, given that it does not imply working with the cause, the root of everything) - we can resolve the conflict and improve our relationships . How? Of course, helping to satisfy the need, the very one that declares itself in this way. It is clear that if we are talking about parent-child relationships, then satisfying the child’s needs is a sacred duty, but with the relationship between spouses, everything is not so simple. However, this approach allows you to take on your part of the responsibility for what is happening in the family, which always exists, and if you look from this point of view, it becomes clear that the approach is very “adult”... So, a conflict of the first level. The emotion of irritation speaks about it. When you want to brush off your child or partner like an annoying fly. Well, what is it, they don’t let me do my own thing, they ask me something all the time, distract me, they all need something from me, rrrr... How does this usually end? Well, of course, I don’t want to use such metaphors, but still: “woof,” leave me alone! Onin raised tones, yes... Then - of course, as a consequence, resentment on the one hand and regret on the other: I overdid something... Why does this happen? Here it is important to understand that when a person has some need that is not satisfied , he is aware of what it is, and knows how to satisfy it; problems and conflicts, as a rule, do not arise: if he gets hungry, he goes and eats. I realized, for example, that the situation in the apartment infringes on your aesthetic needs - I put things in their places, did the cleaning... But it’s a completely different matter when this simple mechanism is broken in a person, and there is a certain “block” in the psyche that prevents you from realizing your desires (or some wish groups). And also when the so-called substitution of needs occurs. And now - the conflict of the first level. It occurs when our relationship partner senses a lack of our attention. And attention becomes important only for one simple reason: attention, as it were, replaces love. That is, we confuse these two concepts everywhere. I love it when I get attention. When they don't pay attention to me, they don't like me. Familiar “logic”, isn’t it? It is formed in childhood, when the baby gets used to receiving attention instead of tactile contact. Let’s say, a two-month-old baby is lying in a crib and crying. Mom comes up, looks him in the eyes and asks: “Well, what happened?” Why are you crying? Look how beautiful your rattles are! Then this situation repeats itself over and over again. The baby needs to be held, rocked, and breastfed. You need to feel the warmth of the mother’s body, a familiar smell, a touch in order to know in your “language” that everything is fine. But often he is instead offered a conversation “like with an adult.” Even more often, they first talk to him like this, and then take him in their arms - “if that doesn’t help.” In both cases, a connection is formed: love = attention. It’s good that it is destroyed as easily as it is created: it is enough to regularly make a person feel loved, without being distracted from his affairs. How? Very simple. If you sit down to read, and your child runs up to you for the tenth time with some business, which is why you are slowly boiling, you can simply attract him to you and hug him without stopping reading. And lo and behold! Half a minute of such communication means more and is valued higher than twenty questions, answers, and shouts. Because all these jerks and other expressions of “attention” are a substitution that does not satisfy the need. And the physical expression of warmth and intimacy is just what you need to feel loved. In a situation with an adult, it also makes sense to find out how and in what case your partner knows and feels that he is loved. After all, we don’t always know this about our loved ones. Remember that parable about a husband and wife who lived together for many, many years and only accidentally found out that it turns out that he likes the crust in bread, and she likes the crumb? In order not to repeat obvious mistakes, it makes sense to say some things from the very beginning. So, we have clarified the key points, and we have a second-level conflict on our agenda. It unfolds when the need for respect and recognition is not satisfied. It’s very simple to find out about this: in a situation of such a conflict, you want to force the person to do it your way at all costs. And he, naturally, resists. Well, then it seems like there is a clarification: who is stronger, who will win? And there are several ways to resolve the conflict. First, of course, you can give in. When you deal with small children and see how this need to “dictate the rules” manifests itself in them, you are simply surprised: how accustomed we are to “putting more pressure” where it is not at all necessary, where it would be possible to give in without any damage to the matter. And if there is no way to give in, well, for example, your baby demands that you start crossing the road at a red light, then how else can you make him feel respected and significant? It’s easy to navigate the situation here. Ask his opinion about dinner, ask for help with shopping, and also -teach him to do something that he can do better than you. Or are there no such things? When it comes to relationships between adults, we always offer a path of generative solutions. To stand on it, you need to remember one single, but very important thing: your relationship is much more important than how exactly you now resolve the controversial issue. And it’s also very sobering to simply ask yourself: do I really want to find the best solution now - or do I just want it to be my way? Reasonable people tend to look for the golden solution. And it is always there. This is a decision that takes into account the opinions of all parties involved. Do you remember what the difference is between compromise and consensus? Compromise is when everyone gives in a little, and everyone is not completely satisfied. Consensus is when everyone wins. So, a generative solution (one that needs to be generated, a new one) is a consensus. Where to go in the evening, to a cafe or a karaoke club? In the cafe! No, karaoke! No, in a cafe... What, there are only two options?.. And there is not one that would completely suit both? Well, yes, we both love movies! You just need to break the deadlock and organize teamwork instead of fighting. The most successful people on the planet say that a team is always stronger than an individual. Probably not without reason? Third level conflict. This state of affairs is indicated by a strong desire for revenge. When there is a lump in your throat, and you want to hurt the person even more than he did to you. Don’t brush it off, don’t “sell” your opinion, but take revenge, punish. In this case, it is vitally important to understand: all this happens only because the person is taking revenge on you. You somehow caused him pain, and he “returns” it to you. Perhaps what lies at the origins of the conflict seemed trivial to you, or you didn’t pay attention to it at all, said or did something without thinking. When a person experiences pain, he does not feel safe. And the unsatisfied need for security is replaced by the desire for revenge. Let's say a child armed himself with scissors and slowly cut his mother's dress. Not just any one, but my favorite! “I’ll kill you!” – in some people’s thoughts, in others out loud. And the desire to either burst into tears, or really kill. Does mom remember how last week this same child asked to be allowed to go to Vadik’s birthday party, but she didn’t let him in because Vadik had chickenpox and it is unknown whether he can now become infected or not. As in the Russian classics - what do? Well, it is clear that for a sane person, realizing his momentary desires is an option that should not be considered... First of all, therefore, you need to change your state so that, in addition to these vengeful desires, some others can crystallize. Inhale and exhale. And further. And again, only slower and deeper, twenty times. You can also walk quickly down the street. Or turn on energetic music and throw out your emotions into movement. And then, when sobriety returns, it makes sense to ask: did I offend you in some way? They may not answer you right away. But they will answer. And this answer needs to be heard. And there is also a wonderful, almost ritual phrase: “I am very sorry that I offended you.” I'll try not to do that again." Agree, if you compare two options for the development of events, one “revenge for revenge”, the other is like that, it will immediately become clear which is more suitable for relationships with loved ones. Conflict of the fourth level. If there comes a moment when you no longer want to drive away, or command, or take revenge, but simply give up and feel “empty” in your soul, this is it, the deepest conflict. This means that all the previous stages have passed, the conflict was never resolved, the needs were not satisfied, and everything together has now resulted in this situation. In this case, the first thing that can help is, of course, conversation. There is an important rule for dealing with this level of conflict: it cannot be resolved in one step. You will have to unwind the ball slowly. If you present your partner or child with a whole bunch of claims and wishes, this will only make matters worse.