It is generally accepted that betrayal is the beginning of the end of a relationship. And sometimes this is exactly what it looks like. However, I #psychologist_Yana_Borisova, like many of my colleagues, understand the fact of betrayal as a symptom of a couple’s dysfunction. Cheating is not the cause of difficult relationships, but their consequence. I have experience in therapeutic cases of maintaining and improving family relationships after an act of betrayal. Of course, this is hard work, accompanied by very painful experiences for both partners. As a rule, turning to a family psychologist occurs at the peak of a crisis, when everything has already happened, the fact of betrayal is open, and the couple is faced with making a decision about divorce. I would like to note that it is difficult to assess which partner is having a harder time. In my experience, clients experience a whole range of feelings, let’s exaggerately call it betrayal, on the one hand, and guilt, on the other, extremely difficult to bear. There is an opinion that if a person has committed treason, then this will continue. I can’t agree with this, couples definitely have a chance to maintain relationships and change in them, if they have the desire and awareness of their contribution (FOR each of the partners), as well as seeking professional help. Participation in family psychotherapy is the way to each other friend, to understanding a partner and oneself, to the ability to hear and listen, to the ability to openly express one’s desires and needs, the ability to give in, the ability to speak on “closed” topics. I have a small list of “forbidden” topics in couples who have approached me, these are money, sex, parents and roles within partnerships. One of the main difficulties in dealing with “betrayal” is to lead the couple (especially the “devoted” part) from the actual fact to the reasons and responsibilities of both parties. This certainly takes time, because without going through all five stages of accepting a catastrophe in your life, and this is exactly how it is perceived, it is impossible to go further. To build other relationships, and the participants in these relationships, it is useful to become different. And only in this case the chance remains! I know couples who have been living for quite a long time and seem to be happy (Like all families with varying degrees of success), despite, and even thanks to, this difficult fact of their life together. Because, when there was a moment of making a decision about divorce or saving the family, they decided to build a relationship like the last one, or not at all... And it seems they were not mistaken. The most enjoyable part of working with such couples is the “renewal” of the relationship. As part of this process, they tentatively try new forms of interaction with each other, with other family members, and even, in a sense, with themselves. I have to disappoint those who were waiting for a list on the topic “5 ways to renew relationships”, because everyone is so different that if I had a recipe for family happiness, I would immediately give it to all families without exception.👩🏼‍⚕️However, I’ll explain some of my ideas about useful things at the time of “reboot”. I think it’s not harmful to start talking about what bothered you long before the fact of betrayal. Usually the list of claims and expectations is quite impressive. It is useful to answer honestly the question “What was my contribution to what happened?” After this, it can be valuable to introduce traditions or rules of time together, no matter how you use this time... to talk about difficulties or to get high together (whatever that means), this relieves some of the tension, because you know what you have , let’s say once a week, your time...And the phrase “we need to talk” doesn’t drive anyone crazy😂 I had couples in therapy who introduced the tradition of family dinners with board games and watching movies with the whole family. Quite often, the idea that cheating is not about difficulties in sex is very surprising to people. However, this is really so... And everything new that is available to a couple should come from determining the cause and content of each person’s internal conflicts. Often this is about the peculiarity of contact, about the nature of these very relationships, about chronically unjustified expectations. I know couples who were able to reconnect only after cheating..