From the author: A woman does not have to live in violence!!! Where does world peace begin? From peace in each individual family - peace throughout the world! Good day everyone! Just recently I received a letter from a woman with a hidden profile with a question regarding domestic violence. A letter that evoked a lot of different feelings in me. The questions were general: in a quarrel, he sometimes approaches menacingly and can push... He doesn’t deal with the child, but he swears and punishes... He gives money for a shopping list... He decides who I can talk to, otherwise there will be another scandal... Even when I got very sick, I didn’t see support or at least pity. Answer The very first thing is to recognize the situation as abnormal. You are the victim of real violence, and it shouldn’t be like that! Secondly, you need to learn to love and respect yourself. It is impossible to tyrannize someone who is confident in himself and his dignity. Even pay attention to how you write: “...or at least pity.” I translate the hidden message: “They don’t beat someone who is down and sick. You see, I’m weak, help me.” You sink deeper and deeper into the role of the victim, which further provokes him into the role of the aggressor. None of this works! You are only killing yourself mentally, but you will gradually begin to get sick and more seriously if you do not start to change. If you do not have the opportunity to undergo psychological counseling, and you really do not want to continue living as an object of violence, then take this topic very seriously, do not have any illusions that an adult will change. Only you can change! A family is a system, and each family member is an element of the system. When one element changes, the whole system changes! Work on yourself, change your behavior pattern, because repeated insults, ridicule, control destroy the personality of the victim, and the emerging psyche of your child, and this cannot be tolerated. And as practice shows, aggressors, despots and rebels do not change. Only by changing yourself and gaining confidence will the intensity of violence decrease. Remember this. It’s difficult for me to judge what phase of violence you are in now, so I answer and inform you in general: the cycle of violence consists of 3 continuously and necessarily repeating phases: Phase 1 is tension. At this stage, quarrels, insults, humiliation, accusations, and threats occur. If you put up with this and justify your actions by attributing them to fatigue, then the next phase will certainly follow. Phase 2 - acute violence. Here the fact of violence is already obvious: it can throw objects, push, or hit... women feel the approach of this phase very keenly and become depressed. Phase 3 - reconciliation. A calm period, a “honeymoon,” begins. This is a trap phase, it gives a woman hope that everything will change, just think, you’ve lost it... And you are thus drawn into a repeating traumatic cycle in which you have hope every time. the cycle will repeat itself - this is the law!!! By the way, from cycle to cycle the degree of violence increases and the time between them shortens. Keep track of which stage you are at and take some action. It’s difficult to help you without seeing the full picture. I really hope that tyranny in your family has not gone far and is still only in the first phase, without repeating cycles. Then there is still hope to save the relationship. I recommend honestly, in a calm but confident tone, explain to your husband that you do not like this behavior towards you and you are not ready to put up with it: “I am very offended and worried when you scream,” etc. Talk only about your feelings and experiences. Such requests need to be repeated for a very long time, until the partner listens. Under no circumstances should you tell the aggressor that he is behaving incorrectly and needs to change. If your husband is truly interested in saving the marriage, then he will not be able to ignore emotional and persistent appeals for long. All this needs to be said with self-esteem, without crying or seeking pity... At the same time, work on.