On the 13th, it was not me who woke up, but some formless creature? dismantled into pieces and completely crushed. I got up at 5 in the morning, my mood was complete crap, I wanted to hide somewhere from the whole world, curl up in a ball.. What happened during the night? What's happened? Even on Friday, while doing business in the city, I squealed with happiness, rejoiced at life and enjoyed, enjoyed, enjoyed... With my spirits rising, I went to Oleg to share my happiness with him and thank him for his direct participation in it. The meeting went very well, calmly , without accusations, we are still not indifferent to each other, when we meet, we communicate nicely. Everyone has their own path through life and there is nothing more to share. Finally, I am slowly starting to accept the fact that we are no longer together, and little by little every day I am letting him go in small parts. The realization comes that everything that happened to us was the result of our disrespectful actions towards each other, as well as the devaluation of our intimacy and feelings. On Friday morning, the realization came that if I had true love for him, and he had true love for me, the most real, deep, devoted, when you love because you simply love, enjoy and rejoice in every moment of communication, then circumstances in life will develop in such a way that we will still be together someday. But maybe not! Perhaps he came into my life only to change it and me. The last two years have been the hardest of my life. When I remember this time, I am amazed at the inner strength that came out of nowhere, I did not break and survived them. Our meeting launched a big mechanism of change in my life, and changed me almost at the cellular level. Now I understand that this was a significant person in my life, such as mom, dad, grandmother and son. I have only met three such people in my life. Sincerely, I am grateful to him for this. Having met him on Friday, I poured out my great feeling of love and gratitude to him with verbal accompaniment. And then everything worked out according to our well-established communication scenario over the past two years. In the evening, the SMS correspondence began and his last SMS was with the words that he tells me these TWO! years: “When we lived together, everything was bad with us from the very beginning and there was no relationship between us.” For two years it’s been the same thing, the same words, the same SMS. And I continue and continue to make contact with him, strongly experiencing all the painful feelings again and again. It’s as if this didn’t happen two years ago, but happens every week. I just can’t understand, I just can’t wrap my head around all this. How can this be? There was a little happy life. Why was it bad? It is possible that only for me, our communication, common interests, trainings, Tantra classes, spontaneously sensual and passionate sex, communication with friends (his), visits to his mother, friendship with his sister, daily walks in the forest, frequent gatherings on the river bank, meditation, reading a book out loud, autumn forays to the bank of the Medveditsa River for a lunchtime nap, two wonderful and so different dogs, trips to the bathhouse, it was a little happy life. Perhaps this was just my happy life for eighteen months! And the words - “everything was bad for us” drives me into a frenzy, these words for me are like an asphalt roller, which every time passes over me, smearing me into a shapeless puddle of feelings, snot and tears.... A day later, I just couldn’t understand what is happening to me. Everything is repeated time after time, the same thing, for a long time. And I’ve worked with this so many times, driven myself crazy, cried, screamed, meditated, studied, worked with a psychotherapist. But it still repeats itself, as soon as he utters this single phrase at the end of each of our contacts, I fall out of my even and harmonious state. I know, understand, feel, live and see: “that everything external reflects our internal state.” But how to explain to yourselfthat this is his world, not mine? How can you feel this with every cell and accept it? How to come to an agreement with yourself and let go? And suddenly the understanding comes that this is an ordinary devaluation on his part, a devaluation of me and our relationship with him. Why is he doing this? Why does he need to trample me, my feelings? Why devalue our relationship? Have you left? - Go. I do not hold. I'm not asking you to go back and change anything. I don’t blame, I don’t swear, I don’t insult, I don’t make you feel guilty, I don’t devalue you and your decision. I try not to disturb you in any way with my experiences and processes. Sometimes it seems to me that I continue to love him and have compassion for him. Why does he need this? Then, two years ago, it seemed to me that he took my life with him, his act “knocked the ground out from under my feet.” I experienced a strong shock, the factor of surprise and the passing of the most dear person in my life - my mother - worked. Slowly coping with this, I am building my new life. And yet he continues to finish me off? Why? Why do I need this? Why do I need to return and return to him for a portion of devaluation and dive into my painful feelings? Feelings of anger, rage, anger bubbled up in me. This powerful wave was ready to destroy everything around. And then gradually over the course of the morning a chain of life events began to line up in which I was devalued: mom, dad, grandmother, son, ex-husband, employers, friends, acquaintances, partners, etc. All the relationships in my life were only those in which I was devalued. I suddenly realized that I was used to being constantly devalued by others and considered this the norm in all relationships. I have practically become fused with the state of my worthlessness, badness, and uncertainty. I was very demanding of myself and for every action, decision, failure and achievement I devalued myself.. All my life I could not even imagine that I was a priceless gift in this life. Why is this happening? Why do I allow people who walk with me through life to do this? Children are not born with low self-esteem. Children come into this world self-sufficient, self-confident, free, impulsive, active and cheerful. And the family system breaks this in the child. Even as a child, and perhaps for a long time as an adult, I was a hostage to manipulation. My achievements were denied, this is the result of the fact that my mother had some kind of brokenness and ambivalent psyche of her own. All my life she used various types of psychological violence against me. I waited and loved her and at the same time knew how her arrival could end. I wanted her love, and when I was waiting for her at the window, I was afraid at the same time, because in order to receive my mother’s love, I had to be very good. The same thing happened with Oleg. In order to get his love, “I went out of my way.” And this is not possible, because no matter how good I was, it was never enough to be loved. And no matter what I did, I was always “shit”, I didn’t do double “shit”. All my life there is terrible tension and strong pressure. The same thing happened at work, when I worked as a financial director and then as a general director. Few people realize that this is a specific crime against the individual. In France, parental rights are deprived for this. This is not suffocating love, this is not deprivation of independence, this is real psychological violence, which stands on the same level as emotional neglect and manipulation. All these types of emotional psychological pressure are described by many psychological schools. As for devaluation, this is also violence. This is called “evaluation” and “comparison” - when they compare me with someone better, then I automatically turned into “shit”, this is a direct insult. All this drives into a person’s self-esteem, pushing him into the abyss of self-flagellation, uncertainty, failure, humiliation and self-destruction. When faced with devaluation, a person acquires a huge number of negative feelings, and it is difficult to express themimpossible, as a result of the cunning scheme: “I can’t be angry with my mother, if I’m angry with her and think about it, then it could kill her.” Or: “It’s my fault that I was angry with her.” This all encapsulates feelings. And only as an adult can you begin to recognize this violence. And it is possible to protect myself from this violence only by building my psychological boundaries. But by building my psychological boundaries, I thus deprive myself of space. After all, for some reason I behaved this way, accordingly I did some actions in all respects. I tried to be the best and most significant for him (mom), I wanted his (mom) praise and love. By building my boundaries, I deprive myself of his (mother’s) love. I catch up and save, I drag a person into an emotionally codependent relationship, I want to be good, I declare: “I can be loved.” There is a good proverb: “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” I constantly invite everyone and interact so that I can be good. A good mother for her son, a good current and former wife, a good friend, a good employee. There is always something for me that constantly drags me into relationships in which I am devalued. My anger is understandable, but I would still like to figure out why I am doing this and at whom my anger, which I cannot express, is actually directed at. I constantly invite another person: “Come!” Today there will be a codependent circus! I took care of you, I make, buy, bring, earn, everything for you! And he replied, what kind of “shit” is this? Once again the situation is played out - I am again a victim. And this game of “leave me, leave me” continues again and again, meetings or SMS, ignoring and devaluation. How to try not to get involved in such relationships? How to track this internal need? And instead of telling myself that everything is “finish line” - we have parted ways, I am always in my “circus”. This is don’t go away, because I was good to you, and you rejected me again. And this is work with building your psychological boundaries. And for me it was a difficult stage, a huge list of formed behavior patterns that led to other people violating my boundaries. But the most important and unexpected thing is that for everything that happened in my relationships with different people, I always had a strong feeling of guilt. I blamed only myself, my actions, behavior and reactions for what was happening. I always find justification for other people’s actions, I identify with their decision, I believe that everything is right, and the blame for everything that happens lies only with me. And I eat myself with this feeling of guilt. With a feeling of guilt, I encapsulate deep within myself the feelings of anger, rage and anger. But since it is very difficult to restrain them for a long time and the slightest provocation is enough, and then this encapsulated cocktail is directed at itself. There is nothing rational in this behavior. And instead of harshly, as in a divorce court, calmly say: “I don’t want to live with you, because there are objective reasons for this, you raped me for some time, you committed actions that I didn’t like, I I want and have the right to separate space.” For me this happens unconsciously: “I’m angry with you, and I can’t tell you this because I’m afraid of losing you.” And then my aggression is passive. It seems like I’m with you, and it seems like I’m not with you. It’s quite difficult to keep yourself from getting involved in a codependent relationship. But it will have to be done. Otherwise, all these people will constantly devalue me and invite me to “engage in emotionally intoxicated behavior.” And then it becomes clear what is happening to me in relation to Oleg. Sometimes I can't do anything about the feeling that I'm drawn to him all the time. I was and am dependent on him. And that’s why until now I couldn’t cope with our separation. Why did I previously stop all contact with other people if I was severely offended or traumatized? And I find an excuse for his action and continue to contact him? It’s like Stockholm syndrome, when the victim andThe rapist cannot live without each other. The term Stockholm syndrome is popular in psychology and describes a defensive-unconscious traumatic connection, mutual or one-sided sympathy that arises between the victim and the aggressor in the process of capture, abduction and/or use (or threat of use) of violence. Household Stockholm syndrome, which occurs in family and household relationships, is the second most famous type of Stockholm syndrome. Occurs under the influence of severe shock. It's a constant interaction that gives me the opportunity to constantly put my feelings into the relationship, acting them out and acting them out. This can be called constant retraumatization. The traumas that I received as a child, which were inflicted by my mother, father, grandmother and brother, are not yet completely open to me and all this moves with me from relationship to relationship. And in the relationship with Oleg, all this was played out. I had all this with my mother from childhood until the last day of her life. How bad and good I was for my mother, how many times a day it changed, it is not known, but there are suspicions that once an hour, which, in principle, happened and with Oleg. And I was constantly in a situation where I was forced to swallow my anger, I was used to doing this my entire life, I did not learn to adequately express it. I can’t even vomit it out of myself because my gag reflex is suppressed. And it breaks out when “the bottle is full” and I don’t have enough strength to hold this tension inside. And at the slightest provocation, I explode and pour it out on myself. Continuing to destroy yourself with your anger, aggression and anger. I'm like an alcoholic who destroys himself with alcohol. They also lack a gag reflex in relations with vodka. Alcoholics depend on vodka. And I depend on relationships in which I experience anger, aggression, anger, but I deny them. And the interaction with Oleg looks like this: “I “have vodka”, a person who evokes feelings, rapes me emotionally and psychologically - devaluing me, I feel anger and choke on it. Becoming emotionally inebriated." Just like any alcoholic, I have sober periods. But after some time, abstinence sets in again and I again need to repeat retraumatization, “drink the devaluation drink again.” And just as an alcoholic knows he can't drink anymore, I also know what I shouldn't do. And then I understand that it’s time to establish or restore my psychological boundaries. If it is not possible to completely leave contact, then interact with rigidly constructed boundaries. I quote an excerpt from the book “Children and Their Personal Boundaries”: “A border is a line delineating the limits of someone’s property. Psychological boundaries of personality show where the personal space of one person ends and the personal space of another begins. If a person knows where his borders are, then it is clear to him what is in his possession - himself. And then we can demand from a person that he bear responsibility for his feelings, thoughts, values ​​and actions. It is natural for us to look for someone to blame for our troubles. Often in a family, neither spouse wants to take responsibility for what is happening. When building a relationship with a person, we must clearly define what we want from each other. It's the same with children. The child needs to know who he is, what his responsibilities are, and what he is not. If a child knows that the world requires him to be responsible for himself and his actions, he will learn to live in accordance with these requirements, he will respect his boundaries and the boundaries of other people without pushing through them. With healthy boundaries, the child develops: a clear sense of who he is; an idea of ​​what he is responsible for (and not responsible for); the ability to make independent choices; understanding that if the right choice is made, then everything will turn out well, and if the wrong choice is made, then you will have to suffer; awareness that true love is based on freedom. The essence of boundaries is independence, responsibility, mastery of oneself and one’s life, freedom and.