A family is an open system, and in this it is similar to a cell of a living organism. There is a constant exchange of emotional energy and information, both between family members and with the environment. Like all living things, the family has its own life cycle, which we will now dwell on in more detail. We will talk about the life cycle of a nuclear family. It is also called a simple or nuclear family. A nuclear family is a spouse with or without children, or one parent with unmarried children. In addition, the parental family is distinguished - this is the family of the spouses' parents. There is also the concept of an extended family, which includes more than two generations (grandparents and grandchildren). At each stage, the family faces characteristic difficulties that are important to consider. So, the first stage of the life of a family system is the stage of the monad. The word "monad" comes from the Greek root "mono", which means "one". At this stage, the family consists of an adult, living alone and financially independent. Unfortunately, in our reality this stage is often skipped due to economic and housing problems. Although from a psychological point of view, it is very important to separate from the parental family in time. Living with parents, a person cannot develop his own individual rules and test his worldview. He continues to live the life of past generations and is late in starting the implementation of his life project. At the monad stage, a person selects a mate and gets married. The second stage of the family is the dyad stage. These are two people living together without children. This is a very important moment in the life of a family. The entire further development of the family system depends on how it goes. People often call this stage “grinding in character.” The period of falling in love paints the prospect of living together in rainbow colors, but in fact it is the first serious crisis of the family. Once people have decided to live together, they should agree in detail how they will do this. A young family needs to develop its own rules. Who takes out the trash, who washes the dishes, how finances are distributed, how leisure time is planned... Some are easy to work out, some are more difficult. In fact, when two people meet, two kinds meet. Young spouses, without thinking at all, transfer the stereotypes of their parents’ families into their family. Let's imagine a situation: his mother is a clean person, there is not a speck of dust in the house. She comes from a family where there is always “creative chaos” and no importance is given to it. Or rather, dad struggled at first, but then retreated. Accordingly, the young husband complains that the house is dirty. The young wife considers this an unimportant detail and is in no hurry to clean up. The husband understands this: “She doesn’t love me.” He gets irritated, swears, insists on his own, sometimes even is rude. Now the wife understands: “He doesn’t love me, he’s not interested in my inner world, give him a housewife.” But in fact, they love each other, but do not understand the meaning of their behavior for their partner. Because this is their experience of growing up in a parental family. A wife can hope that her husband will wave his hand like dad. But the husband is not the father, he can get a divorce. In this case, it is always useful to ask the question: “Do you want your family to have a relationship like your mom and dad?” If yes, then be brave! And if not, then maybe something should be changed? In my experience, families struggle over little things, like that song about the “open tube” of toothpaste. The next stage is the appearance of the first child, the stage of triad formation. At this stage, the family becomes a real family. This is the first structural crisis of the family; its structure is changing. On the one hand, the triad is more stable than the dyad, but on the other hand, the emotional distance between the spouses increases, and a third appears between them. Very often the husband feels abandoned, the wife devotes all her time to her pregnancy or child. They may start sleeping separately. If a man is not too mature, he will seek solace inside. The wife, in turn, complains about her husband’s fatigue and inattention. Young women with children often feel lonely and left out of life. Quarrels about “you’re not helping me!” - this is the calling card of this period. What is the role of the father during infancy? Mother and child form a symbiotic pair. This is the first emotional circle. The father cannot replace the mother in the very early period. His task is to form a second emotional circle that covers mother and child. The father must give the woman a feeling of love, security and emotional support. At a time when she communicates very closely and continuously with her baby. Dad, of course, will play with his baby, but not with as much zeal as mom would like. Fathers often play more actively with their babies, turning them over and tossing them around. Mothers are scared, but this is useful for the further development of the child’s motor functions. On the other hand, new responsibilities arise. We need to agree again on where to put the crib, who gets up to the child at night and how, finally, to raise him. A lot of conflicts arise on all these issues. Every parent automatically wants to impose the education system adopted in their family. His dad spent his entire childhood building and spoiling her. Here again it’s worth stopping and asking yourself: “Am I happy with the way I was raised? Do we need to take everything indiscriminately or can something be adjusted?” The next stage begins with the appearance of subsequent children. Again, a structural restructuring of the family takes place, with new rules and responsibilities emerging. It has long been known that birth order influences the personality and character of a child. The only child receives all the parental attention; he has not experienced the experience of being “dethroned”, as is the case with older children. If he is pampered, then in adulthood he may be poorly adapted to life's difficulties, constantly looking for support and attention. The eldest child receives all the parental love at the beginning of his life, but then he is disappointed. Often he loses part of his childhood and becomes a nanny for younger children. He gets used to caring, more than being cared for. Older children quickly learn “adult” language and prefer to communicate with adults rather than with peers. They want to earn their parents' love by acting more maturely. Sometimes this can lead to emotional problems in the future. The middle child seems to be squeezed from all sides. He is not the oldest and he does not have the “parental” functions, but he is not the youngest and he does not have the benefits of the “smallest”. On the other hand, he is both junior and senior, therefore he is more flexible, capable of both receiving care and caring about others. The youngest receives care from both parents and older children. He often does not develop the skill of caring for someone. The development of the youngest can go in two ways. No one likes to be “the weakest and smallest,” so they often develop a desire to compete and overtake their elders. Some younger ones are good at it. In other cases, his desire for activity is undermined by his upbringing, and he becomes fearful in his attitude towards the difficulties of life. Unconsciously, parents often raise their youngest child so that he “becomes a support in old age and does not fly out of the nest.” The next stage in the family life cycle is the release of children into the outside world. We can say that it begins when the child starts going to school. That is, the family here comes into contact with the outside world, with society and its demands. One of the goals of the family is to create a new full-fledged member of society. Therefore, this is a specific exam, a test of how functional and efficient the family is. At this stage, it is possible to assess how the internal rules of the family relate to the external rules of society. First grade is a crisis for both children and parents. There is another redistribution of responsibilities: who takes the child to school, who does homework with him. Often parents have to change their routine. If the family is harmonious, then adaptationGetting a child to school happens quite easily. If the family functions normally, then it can provide its child with protection and understanding in this difficult situation for him. In a healthy family, each of its members is treated kindly and respectfully. The pathology often lies in the fact that unnecessary expectations are placed on the child. With his behavior, with his brilliant successes, he must prove to the whole world that his family system functions as it should and that he himself was raised correctly. They begin to put pressure on the child with pseudo-social rules, such as “the teacher is always right”, “getting a bad mark means disgracing the family.” If a child “disgraces” the family, this is a clear sign that the family is unhealthy and is not coping with its responsibilities at this stage. In fact, the teacher is not always right, and for a family there is nothing shameful about failing in writing. But to understand these facts and how difficult it is for a first-grader in his first years, the family must be mature enough, it must have a good system of relationships and internal rules. The next crisis in the family is the stage of separation (separation) of growing children. It begins when children enter adolescence. Adolescence is the moment of a person’s psychological birth. During this period, the teenager develops abstract thinking. A new person appears who can interpret the world in his own way, without regard to authority. He wants to bring something of his own into the world. He wants to understand who he is other than his parents' son. He needs to find and try new role models other than his mother and father. In the end, he must fulfill his evolutionary task, create his family and reproduce. A healthy functional family should provide the teenager with protection, a kind of rear support, but not limit his desire for individuation. But this phase is usually very difficult. Very often, by the time he grows up, a teenager finds himself deeply involved in a not entirely normal parental relationship. For example, an older brother raises a younger brother instead of a chronically drunk father. It is clear that he will have difficulty separating from the family system. Or a single mother whose daughter is her best and only friend. What should a girl do? Will she betray her mother if she starts dating a guy? This also includes children who constantly reconcile their parents during quarrels. In such systems, parents begin to resist the child's growing up and separation. This is achieved in various ways. Usually I don't like the company or the young man. Often statements like “who would you get along with with that kind of character”, or “the world is terrible”, or even more devaluing statements. Sometimes parents' illnesses suddenly become worse or appear. Quarrels become more frequent in conflicting couples. If the separation is successful, then parents and children begin to communicate in a new way, not as a parent and a child, but as two full-fledged adults. Then the next stage begins - the “empty nest” stage. The spouses continue to live together without children and must somehow fill the empty parental functions. Sometimes this is a “creative old age”, filled with socially useful activities. In other favorable cases, older people fill their lives with things that they previously did not have time for: hobbies, travel, self-development, etc. These are the best options. In other cases, there is “old age in worries” about the household, grandchildren, and loved ones. This is a predominantly “female” type of old age. Men are more likely to experience “old age in illness”, with constant worry about health, diet, etc. When one of the spouses dies, the state of the monad reappears, i.e. lonely person. This monad belongs to a large extended family, but now on a different level. The time has come for children and grandchildren to take care of their elderly parents. This is how the life cycle of the family system proceeds. A family is born, lives and dies, like all living things. And at each stage, the family faces characteristic difficulties associated with changes in structure or relationships. It is important to understand what stage we are at now.