Step 3. Value People who, from childhood, are accustomed to trying to earn attention and approval, often accept the tastes and values ​​of the adults to whom they are attached as the only possible rules. Their deepest values ​​do not coincide, but they rarely think about it. Ethical issues are covered in detail in the first part: The Critical Boss. Client case. Part 1. At the next meeting, I myself raised the topic of work conflicts: - Remember last time we talked about your mother, and before that about your boss? Do you notice the similarities in these situations? Diana frowns. I explain: - Imagine that you have the best apple orchard in the area. You brought a new harvest to the market - fresh, rosy and fragrant apples, and people come up to the counter, frown and ask: “When will there be oranges?” Your mother does something similar and so does your boss. - Yes, indeed, I really want my apples to be appreciated! - Diana joined the game, - after all, these are not just “some” apples, these are the Most Beautiful Apples! - You are right, your apples are delicious. The problem is not them, the problem is that people came for oranges. Here's a task for you: find someone who needs cool apples. Someone who will understand and appreciate your achievements. Think about who these people are and where the “market” is where they can be found. Diana began the next meeting with the words: “Imagine, I’ve already been invited to two interviews!” But I just posted my resume yesterday, and even indicated a salary that was twice as much as what I receive now! - Bravo! It looks like your apples are just great! - I thought about this for a long time after my last meeting with you and realized that I CAN. I’m a pretty good specialist: my education, experience, skills - I’ve been growing all this for years, this is what I’ve invested in and this is what I love. And now I just received confirmation. It's nice. - This is an excellent result. - I still don’t want to quit. I will try to change the situation. I admit, I did not expect such a decision, but the truth is not always what it seems - and only Diana knows what will be right for her. Now she is calm and confident, which means that she does not need my help here. Psychologist's comment: Here is the third supporting point: The need for recognition can be satisfied where your values ​​and talents are in demand. Remember the episode of Yeralash, where a boy tried to fish, and a “voice from above” informed him: “There are no fish here”? Spoiler for those who don’t know, but want to know, Issue 91 “Catch a Fish.” The boy is trying to choose a good place to drill a hole in the ice, suddenly he hears “There are no fish here,” he moves to another place, but the voice repeats. The boy then asks who is speaking to him and receives the answer: “The head of the stadium.” This is what people who have suffered from complex trauma do. Once upon a time, their way of “getting fish” was the only one possible for them. A child will always try to get attention from an adult, even if the adult does not care about him and does not want to understand him. For a child, this is a way to survive. But the problem is that by repeating the same thing over and over again, he gets used to both the method and the result. He begins to consider this state of affairs normal, and himself a fool and a loser. But the problem is not him, the problem is that there are NO FISH HERE. Trying to prove to your parents, teachers, or bosses the value of your achievements from the outside can be reminiscent of trying to fit a cube into a round hole when there is a square one nearby. It’s not easy to realize all this and come to terms with this situation, but the joy of discovering new opportunities, the happiness of finally getting a “fish” fully compensates for the pain of regret. The next part will be the final one, in which I will talk about how Diana’s story turned out and about another supporting point in therapy. The background is here: Bosses are like parents (relationships with authority figures in CPTSD) The beginning of the story is here: The critical boss. Client case. Part 1. Continued here: Critical boss. Client case. Part)