From the author: This article was published in “Newspaper 470” (dated April 27, 2016, Nizhny Tagil). To write the article, materials from Yulia Berdnikova’s book “Family Life for 5+” were used. Reader’s question: “Yulia Alexandrovna! Tell me whether to get a divorce or not. Everything is fine, but I don’t love my husband. What to do if there is no love? Is it worth saving the family? Me I’m 30 years old and I have two children. I’m young and I want to love and be loved here and now.” Ekaterina L. Ekaterina, it is a big misconception to believe that the feelings that arose at the beginning of a relationship can be experienced all the time. In each period, the family, as a system, solves different problems and the feelings experienced by the spouses are different each time than before. Analyze, in addition to the fact that you are a wife and mother, what interests you have. When a person’s inner world is full, he does not look for the reasons for his misfortunes in others. Often, divorce, as a solution to the source of all problems, does not make a person happy, since the reason is not in the partner. A family goes through certain life cycles in its development. Each cycle has its own tasks and difficulties. Your relationship with your partner depends on how you came to the beginning of each stage and how you live it. There are 8 cycles in total. I'll tell you about some of them: 1. Zero cycle. The period of courtship and dating. By this point, it is desirable to be emotionally separated from your parents, to be able to bear responsibility for your life without shifting it onto the shoulders of others, to be able to regulate your income and expenses, etc. If this does not happen, marriage may turn out to be an unsuccessful attempt to gain the desired independence. In this case, unconsciously, marriage is an attempt to get rid of parental guardianship. As a result, a new dependence arises, no longer on parents, but on a partner who may not be ready to take responsibility for another. What to do? - Realize that only you can be responsible for your life. The other person doesn’t owe you anything, he doesn’t have to live up to your expectations. - Learn to negotiate, express your feelings, experiences and expectations. Only in case of established agreements, you can expect a result and discuss its absence. - Do not introduce stereotypes, norms and rules of relations in parental families into the new family, but, based on the knowledge gained from parental families, build your new family, respecting the traditions of previous generations and with a feeling of gratitude to parents for life.2. First cycle. A young family (before the birth of the first child). The main thing here is the transition from a state of personal independence to a state of interdependence of spouses. The point is not that spouses should dissolve in each other. Harmonious relationships in a couple can only develop if the common “We” consists of two different “I’s”. In addition, during this period, separation (emotional) from the parental family continues, if it did not happen earlier. At this time, the important issue of distribution of responsibilities in the family is being resolved. Problems of this period: - when living together with parents. The development of the family as an independent system is hampered. The spouse becomes another child in the parental family. Private conflicts between a son-in-law and his wife’s parents, or between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law; - the involvement of old friends in the relationship between spouses, who live almost constantly, or often come to the house of a young family. This causes irritation and tension. It is necessary to build new boundaries of friendly relations, give priority to the family; - interference in the affairs of the family of the parents of one of the partners, even if the families do not live together. For example, a wife’s mother is trying to control her young husband and impose her opinion on her daughter. Or the husband’s mother complains to the young wife for her inability to cook, organize everyday life, etc. All this destabilizes the family situation, leading to resentment and quarrels. What to do? -Spouses need to jointly ensure that the boundaries of their family are not violated. -Understand that parents do everything out of love, as best they can and as they understand. For parents, we always remain children.…