From the author: I will try to be concise in my problem... and present it as clearly as possible... I have been married for 8 years... I have a very peculiar mother-in-law... It happens that what you receive for free is more expensive than something expensive. People write me letters, and I answer - as it is, as I think - the truth, just like in a paid consultation, but a little harsher and sharper, in order to reach feelings through letters and the screen. _________________________________ Question: Good afternoon! Natalya Anatolyevna, I will try to be concise in my problem... and present it as clearly as possible... I have been married for 8 years... I have a very peculiar mother-in-law... we live far from each other.. we see each other a maximum of 3-4 times a year for a couple of days.... but she’s in the mood - she’ll come out to meet us.. and even smile.. no.. well, no.. let alone feed from the road, if not my husband and I, but at least two little grandchildren.. this is actually a holiday... I brought up in different principles and this is of course wild for me... but I just tried not to react... but on one visit it turned out that she was apparently completely in no mood... her daughter also “threw her children” to her, so to speak, to sit unscheduled... and it began... I went to put the children to bed - she said, get out of this room, I cleaned up... I defiantly put all our things in the hallway, and when my son said let’s go home tomorrow, she said: “No! You will eat today!” My husband, accustomed to such pictures, naturally told me not to pay attention. But I think you can understand how unpleasant this whole situation was for me. When I left, I didn’t quarrel with her... I didn’t scream.. I just said in a cold tone that neither I nor my children had done anything to her to make her behave like that, and that I wouldn’t come to them again. And now I haven’t been going there for six months now... my husband and the kids went a couple of times... I don’t want to turn anyone against each other... but now a situation has arisen where my husband said: “Since you don’t go, then I won’t go to yours! " Mine also live far from us... and I am very upset to hear this, because from my parents there was always only a warm and welcoming welcome... bread and salt, as they say... and for my parents, that I and my husband are all equal... and have always treated with due respect... Natalya Anatolyevna.. please... tell me what to do? ((I really don’t want to go to my in-laws, and I’m not ready... although my husband says you’re not going to them, but with me... I don’t want to involve my parents in my husband’s ultimatums either... I’ll add that after that incident she came to us I also didn’t come for my grandson’s birthday or my son’s birthday... my grandfather came alone... she either worked or looked after her daughter’s children... I don’t know how to behave... I already have a rather complicated relationship with my husband and complete misunderstandings... but also. he doesn’t want to understand me... although I absolutely don’t mind saying take the kids and go to them. That was the only time the grandson asked to stay with her for the weekend.. at least in the summer.. and she replied that you have parents with them. and be.. and he asks with tears why it’s possible for Katya’s children, but not for us... horror ((my heart was breaking then... and after all, in 5 years I have never asked her for help in terms of children... . Something like this... it’s hard for me... to let go of the situation and go as if nothing had happened - I don’t want to and I can’t... she will allow herself to behave like this again... for me it is insulting and humiliating.. but being in opposition is also pleasant. not enough... maybe there is some kind of answer... who is right.. who is to blame... As for my husband... he believes that I have no right to judge her upbringing and behavior and so that there is no conflict, I simply said, you’re not going. . I’m not going to yours... _______________________________________ Answer: Hello, Natasha. maybe there is some answer.. who is right.. who is wrong... If the question is like this, then: you are wrong in your claims. What we see in your letter - your mother-in-law treats you... how? Badly? It’s not that bad, it doesn’t cause you any harm. She just doesn’t do anything good for you, and doesn’t love you, and you thought that you had the right to count on this... That is, she doesn’t treat you the way you would like. That's all of hercrime - she did not live up to your expectations.. Should she meet your expectations? You, of course, can tell me - “I was brought up in different principles and this is of course wild for me..”, refer to examples of other families, and in general... BUT. Your mother-in-law did not choose you as a relative, did not propose to you, and did not invite you into her life (words of politeness at the wedding, if any, do not count). She doesn't like you, and she doesn't like anyone in general, but so what? If you look at this issue deeper, she is the kind of person who is much more difficult to please than most. This is a feature of her personality and she did not develop it out of nowhere. You expected that everything would happen by itself - love for you or at least for your children - friendship, sympathy, only at the call of blood. But no - the calculations turned out to be incorrect. And it was YOUR calculations that turned out to be wrong, you understand? and she has nothing to do with it at all. She has the right to live the life she likes (or the life she succeeds in). You don’t want to make any effort to make her “love” you, it’s “humiliating” for you. When I left, I didn’t quarrel with her... I didn’t scream.. I just said in a cold tone that neither I nor, especially, my children had done anything to her so that she would behave like this, and that I would not come to them again. (that is, you thought that you would punish her with your absence...) But neither you nor your children did anything to make her behave differently, become kinder, soften... You don’t like it - take steps towards, YOU you think that this is her duty to you. But she should not love you just because you would like it, because it seems to you that it should be so, and because this is what happens to many others. (Please note, dear readers: a son who grew up with a mother who focuses only on her emotional needs and chooses a girl with the same personality traits as his wife, despite the fact that they are quite traumatic) “I don’t know how to behave... with My husband already has a rather complicated relationship and complete misunderstandings... but he doesn’t want to understand me either...” Natasha, you (like your mother-in-law) have the right not to love her either. And, of course, you have the right not to go to her. You don't owe her ANYTHING either. But here we are talking about you meeting halfway not with her, but with your husband. Now you have a conflict with him. You put him before a choice - either me or his mother, choose who is dearer to you! This is the stupidest thing you can think of... everyone always loses in this game, always. Just trust my experience.. Even if this war lasts for many years, even if his relationship with his mother is terrible, even if there is a temporary period of gain... If you prove to your husband that his mother is “bad”, you will lose your relationship with him, early or later - a matter of time. In the end, imagine that many years later someone will put your child before such a choice... and that he will NOT choose you... "Natalya Anatolyevna.. please... tell me what to do? ((" Natasha, stop considering her to blame, give up your expectations about what she SHOULD be... Your husband has a mother with a difficult character, but he lived with her all his life - and grew up to be a decent person, and it is thanks to this character of his mother that he now tolerates you too... Much less is required of you - not to live with her, not to love, not to value relationships, but only to observe the norms of politeness and decency. The feeling of resentment and “injustice” really bothers you, but if you accept her right to be who she is, do not expect from her. not love, and most importantly - to descend into the heavens of your egocentrism, when everyone owes you something... then spending a couple of weekends in this house, and even in this atmosphere of alienation, will become completely acceptable. Now, if you had to go on a visit. some country... For example, on a trip to the United Arab Emirates, many of our tourists are bothered by the fact that women cannot wear any revealing clothes, walk unaccompanied by men, cannot drink alcohol, especially in public places, and cannot eat during Ramadan... And no matter how inconvenient it would be.