From the author: Dependence is the “suit” of fear, the Achilles heel of every person. Only some people drink vodka by the liter, while others drink it by the bucketful. That makes all the difference. There is only one way out - LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR FEAR. They write a lot about what alcoholism is and say very little. There is an unspoken ban on talking about this topic. A lot of people whose relatives drink come to me for help. Over 17 years of practice I have heard many stories. And the conclusion is really the same, as Leo Tolstoy writes in the novel “Anna Karenina”: “All happy families are alike. Each unhappy woman is unhappy in her own way.” We have more unhappy families, one gets the impression. Pay attention to how Leo Tolstoy in this novel compares two destinies, two types of love: Anna Karenina’s selfish love, aimed at making up for the lack of attention, and Konstantin Levin’s love, mature, giving, happy. There is not a word about alcoholism in the novel. Even little has been written about the medications that Anna took. But for me this novel is about addiction. Who can be considered an alcoholic? Often people suffering from alcoholism say that they want to drink, but they don’t drink if they want. And this means that they are not alcoholics. They also say that they don’t lie under the fence and therefore are not alcoholics. I will disappoint those who think so. Lying under the fence is the last stage of alcoholism. But the first one is when you just thought: “Shouldn’t I have a drink?” The second step is when you do not refuse the offered drink, even if you take a sip. And this happens to everyone. Therefore, it is better not to go on a visit where they will offer you a drink if you have a predisposition to alcoholism. And it’s better not to keep alcohol in the house, so as not to tempt your partner, and not to organize such holidays where you will have to drink. And if you have already organized it, then drink mineral water or water or fresh berry compote for your health. What is alcoholism: a disease or a bad habit? Scientists argue about this and have not yet come to a common opinion because they do not want to hear each other. Some say that this is, first of all, an addiction, that is, a bad habit. Others say that this is a disease and should be treated in a hospital with medications. They are all right, in their own way. I give this definition: alcoholism is a disease that has become a bad habit of an unhealthy lifestyle; alcoholism is a problem for the whole society, for every single family and for every single person. It is strange that the media reflects so little on the problems of alcoholism. I propose the following news release: There is trouble in the family of the famous singer, poet and composer Petrov Petr Petrovich. Petr has been drinking for two years. His family, wife and children suffer from this. We are very sorry that such a talented person, who finds the strength to create such works, does not find it in order to stop drinking. And now his new song is playing. Listen. We wish the singer health and courage, we love him, we believe and hope that he will have enough strength and wisdom to spend his time on family, health and creativity. But what is a bad habit? It is addiction. And addiction is a form of fear that manifests itself in frequently repeated behavior that limits the freedom of human desires due to a person's attachment to a certain object: a person, a feeling, a physical action or a chemical substance. Thus, the cause of any addiction, including alcohol, is fear. The media report on the next environmental disaster, accidents and wars. And at this moment, global warming, catastrophe, accident and war are happening in millions of families. “Which one will he come today? What did you drink? If there is vodka, there will be a war in the house. If there is wine, then you can count on a calm evening and night,” this is what relatives of alcoholics think. Men drink more often. They are more afraid of life, because women protect them from this life from childhood and into subsequent adulthood. I know everything better myselfI'll do it. Men feel useless. Or rather, it is needed only for one thing. Women humiliate men with their all-self: I’ll run a galloping horse, I’ll walk into a burning hut, I’ll raise children, and I’ll endure everything. And then she wonders why she suddenly started drinking or got sick. The sacrificial behavior of a mother, and then a wife, makes a man an alcoholic. Mothers protect boys from the influence of their father; they think it will be better this way. They protect boys from his harsh upbringing, thereby blocking access to their father and disrupting contact with him. As a result, the boy does not receive any role model. He doesn’t know how to behave at all, experiences a lot of anxiety and finds an example that is not always the best. Mothers want what’s best, but it only turns out worse. So the family becomes unhappy in its own way, with its own secret, its own misfortune, which cannot be talked about, it is shameful. The family in which an alcoholic lives becomes unusual, or, as the children say, abnormal. As a result of this illusion, the self-esteem of the alcoholic’s relatives drops so much that the person ends up on his knees all his life and, worst of all, sets an example of sacrificial behavior for his children. Children of alcoholics are a huge army of insecure, offended, constantly feeling guilty little adults, orphans with living parents, PHILOSOPHERS INVOLVED. Children are constantly in a state of fear and confusion, uncertainty, shame, anger, and incomprehensibility of everything that is happening. The topic of alcoholism cannot be discussed in the family of an alcoholic. Nothing is explained to the children, they are deprived of a strong relationship with an alcoholic parent. Moreover, the relationship with the non-alcoholic parent is damaged due to the conspiracy of silence and the emphasized busyness of this parent. I can’t forget the boy who sat between my mom and dad during my consultation. I had the feeling that he had just been taken from the orphanage, and after consultation he would be taken there again. The children are lonely, they are so lonely that they want to scream in horror. Although outwardly the family may seem quite prosperous, like this one: mom teaches at the institute, is a philologist, dad is a manager in a large company. They have no idea how bad their son is. Every summer, the mother gives the boy to her husband’s parents at the dacha, while she works. She complained to me that his neighbors treated him to wine and taught him to swear. What is the way out of this situation?..... Correct. So don’t give it if you don’t want to be given wine. But no, she has a job. It turns out that there is no way out. You poor complainer. But there are as many exits as you like. She doesn’t work all summer, there are summer camps, and there are other relatives. And there is, in the end, the opportunity to find a job so that I can be with my son. Now she works at home as a tutor and earns more. Next difficulty. Parents think they can teach children to drink. They pour wine and vodka for the children at the table. More for yourself, less for them. So they think to teach children to drink correctly. This is not just a mistake, it is a crime. This should be punished financially, and if it doesn’t help, then put in prison. If he sits down, he will become wiser. One more question. Parents drink beer themselves and give it to their children, even small ones. This is also a crime. Beer cannot be healthy; it is also alcohol. Any alcohol is harmful, without exception. This is proven by science. And a child’s body experiences enormous stress when a child drinks alcohol. Sharon Wegscheider points out four different roles in which children of alcoholics play: “Hero” is a child who takes on an overwhelming role in the family, performing housework and organizational tasks. “ Scapegoat" - the center of family troubles and conflicts. "Lost child" - a child who has a very weak idea of ​​​​a person as an individual and finds it difficult to find his place in the family. "Minion" - a family favorite child who is usually pampered and overprotected Claudia Black also described several categories of alcoholic children. They are similar to the ones listed above. And she also gives a description of a child-pacifier. The pacifier tries to smooth out the problems that concern people, to make them?