It often happens that the question persistently sounds in our heads: “Who is to blame for the fact that <add a problem to taste>?” This question can be caused by various reasons, but usually it means that I am dissatisfied with something in my life today, and I don’t know who or what caused this state of affairs. Or I don’t want to know, and then the question sounds rhetorical. Or I know, but for some reason the answer doesn’t suit me. But, in any case, such obsessive thoughts indicate some disharmony in my life and this is a reason to look into this question in more detail. Why do we most often use such a question? Yes, this is not a typo, it is the “use” of the question that we are talking about. It happens quite rarely that we sincerely want to know who is to blame. And even after learning, there really isn’t much chance that this knowledge will somehow change my life. I highlight the following main reasons why we need to “search for someone to blame”: An explanation for the sake of reassurance. If it is not me, but someone from the outside who is to blame, then I can afford not to change and accept it without complaint. Especially if someone very significant and powerful is to blame. So this is fate. Justification for your “bad” behavior. If I do something bad to someone who is guilty before me, then it doesn’t count and my conscience will not torment me. Self-flagellation and plunging into depression. If I myself am to blame for this, then there is no one else to ask, all that remains is to punish myself. Using guilt for manipulation. “He” is to blame for me, and therefore owes an unpaid debt, and I can use it for my own purposes. Find out the reason for what is happening, find the root cause of the problem in order to eliminate it and correct the situation that dissatisfies me. Or eventually understand that it is impossible to change the facts and then change the attitude towards them. Let’s look at the pros and cons in each case. Goal No. 1. Self-soothing. Finding out how the world and myself work is a very popular game of the mind, sometimes bringing real benefits, but most often it only brings peace of mind. And the calm is quite long-lasting. In principle, not the worst method for making life a little more comfortable. This is a plus. But it won’t bring changes to my life. There are things that I actually cannot influence (for example, the loss of a loved one), and they need to be accepted as they are, going through all five stages of accepting the inevitable (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). But there are those cases that still depend on me. For example, my inner experiences, “cockroaches” and behavioral scenarios are in my power. Although with difficulty and gradually, I can influence my inner mental reality. And if I shift all responsibility for what is happening to external factors, then I will deprive myself of the chance for change. This is a minus. Goal No. 2. Self-justification. A very popular thing. For example, “everyone knows” that our state is oh so guilty towards its citizens. So we can safely steal from him without fear of remorse. But what kind of “stealing” is there, just think... Well, I won’t pay taxes (what other taxes? I’m not some kind of oligarch), fines for violating traffic rules, I’ll ride like a hare on public transport. But I’m a good person - honest, I’ve never stolen and I wouldn’t hurt a fly. After all, the expropriation of the expropriated is generally a just thing! And in general, blaming others is a good justification for one’s bad “deeds” that bring harm to those who are guilty before me. I want me to have everything and not have to pay anything for it. And finding someone to blame will help me with this. In general, dealing with one’s own conscience, right-wrong, good-bad—these are the subtleties of each person’s worldview and there is nothing generally binding here. Generally binding are the laws of the community in which a person lives, and violation of these laws is fraught with conflict between a person and society, but this is another topic. But what is common to many is that we usually unconsciously use the guilt of others to justify ourselves. And such “unconsciousness” is fraught with implicit but strong internal conflicts. Goal No. 3. Self-accusation. Self-accusation has one undoubted advantage, often.