Some couples like to “play jealousy” - to have fun, flirt with each other. This article is not about them. This article is for those who have tormented themselves and their partner with jealousy, who would like to fix something, but do not know how. Jealousy is by no means harmless - by being jealous, a person reduces the quality of the relationship, taking the position of either a demanding tyrant or a capricious, offended child. Partnership with both is impossible. The complementary position for a tyrant is a slave or rebel; for a child, a caring or rejecting parent. There are no longer men and women in such relationships. The quality of sex suffers, which is increasingly used as a way of control and self-affirmation. Also, as dissatisfaction with each other grows, sex often turns from a way of expressing tenderness and love into a way to “let off steam.” The partner increasingly begins to feel used or even raped and seeks to avoid sexual intimacy. It is clear that refusing sex only intensifies jealousy, leading to an even greater increase in discontent. The situation gets worse with each turn of such a spiral. In addition, jealousy often provokes another person to cheat (so that at least there is something for it). I tried to describe in detail the reasons for jealousy, as well as offer ways to solve the problem for each case. In most cases, jealousy arises in a partner who has stopped in his development. One partner “went forward”, the other remained where he was. And he feels like he’s “losing the relationship.” Perhaps they once had a good time together, but now, in order for the relationship to develop, it is important for them to move in sync, otherwise they will drift too far apart. Interests and values ​​will be too different. Jealousy is a reaction to denying oneself change and development. Each person denies himself differently, but it is still possible to describe universal methods. I would like to warn the reader that the methods are just that, methods, not a typology. Anyone can combine some of these methods or use only one.1. I’ll start with the most striking option - distrust of a partner due to real betrayal. It does not occur so often, because after discovering the fact of infidelity, many couples break up. Those who have decided to be together are faced with an understandable difficulty - what to do now. It is important for both partners to understand that trust will not be restored instantly, much less “on its own.” In order for this to happen, reasons are needed - ideally, a joint review of the relationship that preceded the betrayal, an analysis of mistakes on both sides, and joint steps in accordance with the results of the analysis. As soon as the changes become noticeable, there will be more reasons to trust. Refusal at this level is the partners’ refusal to review or change anything. They believe that it is enough to “ask for forgiveness” and “forgive”, or simply “live and love each other.” However, since the difficulties in the relationship that led to the betrayal have not been eliminated, in most cases the betrayal will happen again, especially since it is easier to follow the “beaten path.”2. Another option for refusal is a reluctance to leave one’s own “comfort zone.” And the point here is not even that it’s scary or difficult - there’s simply no need. A person does not understand and feel his needs well, or puts off their implementation “for later.” Individual impulses and desires are not translated into actions and, accordingly, do not become persistent interests. Boredom arises, which a person tries to replace with relationships. In such a position, a person is only ready to consume, without giving anything in return, but not out of greed - there is simply nothing. Your own life is not filled with anything important. Jealousy arises because the loss of a relationship threatens to face one’s own emptiness and boredom, which is painful for many. The solution here is to get in touch with one’s own interests, even fleeting ones. My experience in jealousy counseling allows me to say that many people still have an idea of ​​what they would like to do outside of relationships. As soon as they startthis way, the grounds for jealousy disappear. If you cannot feel your needs on your own, it may make sense to contact a specialist.3. Close to the previous one is the option when a person has only one meaning in life - relationships. Often they are more likely to fulfill a “social order” than to really love, despite the fact that they vehemently prove the opposite. “Social order” is an uncritically accepted attitude of parents: “get married by a certain age.” The quality of relationships is important, but secondary, the main thing is the fact of the existence of a relationship. Such people rush headlong into “building relationships”, ignoring other areas of life, professional, creative, personal growth. They are guided by the principle “the main thing is family”, not noticing that family is not the main thing for them, but the only thing. They make excuses like “I didn’t succeed in something / didn’t succeed, but I have a relationship,” as if a healthy heart can replace a damaged one liver. Since such a person has nothing valuable other than relationships, their loss threatens psychological death. Jealousy arises. In general, Freud also said: “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanity.” Man is integral by nature, the “either-or” choice seems to me to be an imposed stereotype. Both relationships and work are important. The solution in this case is clear from the description - to begin development in something other than relationships. It doesn’t have to be a job; creativity or hobbies can be just as useful. The main thing is to have interest and the opportunity to develop in the chosen direction.4. Perhaps one of the most dramatic options is a consumerist, accumulative attitude towards people, feelings, deeds, the desire to possess. For such a person, a relationship is not a process, but a kind of “mortgage” that gives ownership rights. For them, the partner turns into a thing, akin to a chair or stool. Well, okay, your favorite chair or stool. The principle of the relationship is the same: “if I want, I sit,” if I don’t want, let him stand in the corner until I come.” This type of relationship was described in detail by Erich Fromm (“To Have or To Be”), I recommend it. Such a person can be recognized by his vocabulary. They often call feelings and processes by nouns, as if separating them from themselves. They don’t love, “they have love.” Over time, the quality of the relationship deteriorates, and then “the love has gone somewhere.” She left or was stolen - it’s unclear... At the beginning of a relationship, they often strive to “buy” love, both with actions and with money. Subsequently, they easily reproach the partner in the style of “how much did I spend on you”, “how much did I give to you”, implying that with such expenses they are simply obliged to get everything they want. Jealousy appears with any unwillingness of the partner to be a stool - a manifestation of human emotions, interests, demonstration of their own beliefs and values, different from the position of the “owner”. The basis of such jealousy is the fear of losing control over a partner, as well as the fear of “losing investments” - not recouping the investment. In any case, dealing with a living person is difficult and scary for them, since here they will no longer have to command, but negotiate somewhere limit yourself, listen to your partner, be clear to yourself. But this path is the solution. It begins with an honest answer to oneself to the question “who do I want to live with: a living person or a rubber one?” Based on their position, the difference is still small. To be honest, doing all this alone is not easy. At a minimum, it is worth enlisting the help of a partner, and possibly also the help of a specialist.5. A similar option is the “they owe me” position, a formal attitude towards relationships, without an attempt to create real intimacy. In this case, a person is characterized by relying on rules and requirements, while ignoring the sensual side of relationships. For them, love is a duty. They feel insecure in relationships because they are aware of their weaknesses somewhere and compare themselves with others. However, instead of making efforts for their own growth, they demand that their partner turn a blind eye to their real or imaginary shortcomings. It's morean easy way in which you almost don’t need to make any personal efforts - unless you count regular “brain draining” as effort. Thus, a person who doubts the attractiveness of his figure will not go in for sports - he will rather harass his partner in the style of “you don’t love me/don’t Want". The paradox is that they require sincere feelings, as if sincere passion or interest can be given out upon request. Unnoticed even to themselves, they sometimes conduct a session of directive hypnosis on their partner: “You don’t love me... You don’t love me... You’ve lost interest in me ...You don’t want me at all... Listen to me! You do not love…". The ending is a little predictable. A declaration of love at the beginning of a relationship is literally taken as a vow to love always and no matter what. What is overlooked is that when, for example, a girl confessed her love, he loved a certain man, adequate in appearance, with certain character traits, values, and beliefs. If over the years this man has turned into a boring, aggressive alcoholic, demanding love based on old confessions is nonsense. Crawling on all fours, the husband rather evokes annoyance and pity, bordering on disgust. The solution in this option is to renounce demands and come into contact with your partner’s real feelings. Yes, it can be painful, but it’s sobering! If the person and the relationship are not destroyed, the naturally occurring dissatisfaction with oneself can become a powerful incentive for change.6. Another common option is a dependent person who creates dependent relationships. The basis of addiction is the avoidance of solving life’s difficulties through methods of “quick gratification.” For such people, love is like a drug; there is even a phrase floating around the Internet: “you are my personal brand of heroin.” All thoughts are only about the partner, about what he thinks, what he feels, what is good for him. Their feelings and needs are not noticed or are easily sacrificed, even if they did not ask for it. If the relationship is under threat, the person becomes aggressive or tries to “pressure on pity.” Despite the fact that self-denial for the sake of another is declared, they really cannot give anything, since they have nothing of their own. However, they easily sing their praises and admire all the words, actions, and qualities of their partner. But how boring it is with them! The main pleasure from such relationships is to “dissolve” in the greatness of the other, to live his life without making any effort to create your own. Jealousy occurs when a partner tries to distance himself (essentially, to restore healthy boundaries in the relationship), which is experienced as “you are no longer with me (you gave a gift to someone else, not me).” Often, in addition to addiction in relationships, people also suffer from other forms of addiction – alcohol, drugs, computer. And, as with any addiction, the partner is often a codependent person - on the one hand, he expresses dissatisfaction with the relationship, on the other, he supports the game, showing signs of anxiety if the addict suddenly begins to gain freedom. Unfortunately, many people consider jealousy a sign of love, and the absence of jealousy taken for indifference. And they even try to provoke jealousy themselves (i.e., limit the normal development of a partner), being sincerely surprised when “pleasant” jealousy begins to take monstrous forms. The solution with this option is to listen to yourself, your feelings and desires, instead of constantly “ feel" for your partner. Next, it is important to follow your needs, creating sources of joy independent of your partner. The most adequate option in this case is to overcome difficulties on the way to achieving a significant goal. It is important not to confuse joy and “high”. True joy arises spontaneously, often after much work. You can get a “high” quickly and reliably by drinking alcohol or having a tasty meal. So, the “high” won’t help here. It is often difficult for an addicted person to cope on their own, since they will not only be dealing with themselves, but also with a codependent partner. In such cases, it makes sense to seek outside help.7. Last.